Afterimage Chapter Twenty-Two

Uploaded on 2/28/2009

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The small room was quieter than it had been in weeks. Despite the fact that Toby and Boyd were both in it, neither of them spoke and it almost seemed like the good-natured acquaintanceship that had developed between them had never existed at all.

Toby sat on his bed, hunched over a book as he turned the pages stiffly, quickly, obviously not even reading the words. His posture was tense, defensive and he seemed to be trying to shield himself from Boyd as he sat partially turned away. It was possible that he was trying to hide his appearance; the evidence of how rough his resistance to interrogation training had been.

Toby was paler than usual, a sickly pasty white color that made the bruises on his face and arms seem lurid. He seemed to have had more physical torture than Boyd but then Doug had likely realized that physical abuse was more likely to work with Toby, who had consistently shown a low pain tolerance during combat training.

Whatever had happened during R2I, it was obvious that it'd had a profound effect on Toby. His hands had taken on a slight tremble and his eyes kept darting to the door as if he was waiting for the guards to come haul him off to the interrogation rooms again.

The silence wasn't awkward but it was uncomfortable and somehow just seemed to underscore and continue to remind Boyd of all that had happened in the previous week. They'd only been released from the R2I training the night before and Boyd had no delusions of putting the entire ordeal out of his mind any time soon, but sitting in the room with a living, breathing reminder of how traumatizing the training had been for all of them was only going to make Boyd think about it more.

Every time a noise emanated from the hallway, Toby would jump and skitter backwards on the bed. And every time Toby jumped, Boyd automatically jumped too, thinking someone was coming after him. That let to automatic, short flashes of memories of himself trying to evade the interrogator's touch, the suffocating hood, the constant flow of water drowning him...

It was a cycle that went on for the entire morning of their fourth break but both agents continued to sit on their respective sides of the room and stared at code books and notes about explosives and pretended like they could actually focus enough to study for the final training exams. Solo missions would be starting the next day but Boyd wanted to get a head start on studying for everything that would come after. Even if he wasn't retaining anything at the moment, it was all he had to distract himself with.

After what seemed like an eternity of silence broken only by the rustle of pages turning, Toby spoke. His voice was cracked and hoarse and Boyd could only imagine that it was from a week filled with screaming.

"I don't know if I can do this."

Toby didn't look at Boyd when he said it but his hands tightened around his book.

Boyd watched Toby a moment then quietly looked down at his book, trying to ignore the way his own hands wanted to tremble now and then. He knew Toby meant 'this' to equate to everything, from finishing the Level 10 training to actually being able to handle being a Level 10 if promoted; from getting over the R2I training to just being a functional human being for the moment. And even though Boyd wanted to ignore it, he had to admit that a scared, uncertain part of him felt exactly the same way.

He hadn't been able to sleep at all the night before; each time he'd started to pass out he'd suddenly jerked awake-- Because the sheets had wrapped around his feet, because a blanket was just a little too close to his face, because he forgot he wasn't in the interrogation room anymore and he was terrified they were coming to drag him to the board again...

He'd managed to keep any noise out of his voice each time, he thought, but even though his outward appearance had returned to the default blank expression out of protection for himself, he truthfully felt as skittish and unbalanced as Toby looked. Like he was barely holding himself together, like the books and notes and the plan he'd created for himself to study was all he had to keep himself going and even if he felt shaky and afraid, he couldn't afford to lose it these last two weeks.

So he wished Toby hadn't said it aloud, even though in the depths of his mind he'd been whispering the same thing in fear. Because as soon as the words were out in the open, it was that much more difficult to pretend that these books and studying were enough to hold off the inner demons from that room, from everything that had been happening in the last few months.

"You can," Boyd said after a moment, his own voice scratchy from the last few days spent screaming and crying and he wasn't going to think about it because as soon as he did it would suck him in. "It's hard now but give it time..."

Toby shook his head and closed his eyes briefly, expression pained and more vulnerable than Boyd had ever seen. "I don't know if I could handle that if I was--" He broke off to swallow heavily. "I sound weak but I can't help but fear... what if I really was captured and I break that easily and give up everyone?"

Boyd shook his head, wanting to end this conversation as soon as possible. Part of him felt the same way as Toby; he was ashamed by how weak he'd been and he knew... Honestly, he knew if he was really captured by an enemy, if they threatened to waterboard him again... He didn't think he'd be able to stop himself from giving them everything they wanted to know.

"You're..." Boyd began, then stopped and had to start over. "I don't know how many people could... go through all that without giving information..." Sin could, a dark voice whispered inside him; Sin was nearly killed in Monterrey without giving them anything and you couldn't even make it through a test.

Boyd grit his teeth and tightened his fingers on the book, shame burning sharp and strong within him. He forced himself to continue as if nothing had occurred to him. "We just... If we make it, we'll get more training..." I don't know if I can handle more training, I don't know if I can do it, the same voice whispered frantically and Boyd viciously ignored it. "We'll learn what to do..."

"I don't know if I want to learn how to deal with that!" Toby burst out and threw his book across the room. It hit the wall and slid down, some of the pages ripping in the process. Toby swore and pressed a hand over his face. "I should have just gone back to school. I'll never get through this. I'll never make my grandfather proud. I'm a fucking failure and I hate it."

Stop talking, stop talking, Boyd thought urgently. "You're not a failure, Toby-- you made it this far. We're almost done..."

Toby just shrugged and looked miserable.

There was another long stretch of silence but this time Toby seemed to calm down some and he shook his head back and forth as though he was trying to get a hold of himself. It was only after he managed to mask most of the unhappy hopelessness from his expression that he gave Boyd a wilted smile.

"Well," he started in a forced joking way. "If anything, maybe the fact that we know people on the inside will make up for how R2I went. And I heard Sin is going to be at the final exam for combat, so..." Toby let the implication hang in the air even though it was obvious he wasn't being entirely serious.

Boyd was already annoyed enough at the implication that his connections would have anything to do with his scores when the rest of Toby's sentence translated in his mind. He looked over at Toby sharply; in everything that had happened, he'd completely forgotten about the fact that Kassian had mentioned Sin's presence in the tests.

"What?" he asked with a little more edge than he'd intended. "Are you sure? How do you know he'll actually show?"

Toby got up and grabbed the fallen book. "I was going to go down and talk to Doug awhile ago..." He trailed off for a moment and cleared his throat, shooting Boyd a look. "Anyway I changed my mind and left but I overheard him talking to someone on the phone about it."

"And he said-- You actually heard him confirm that Sin's coming?" Boyd pressed.

"Yeah, definitely."

Boyd leaned over his book and felt a spike of tension, frustration, something nearly like fear-- an almost claustrophobic feel that he was trapped into this, that he was going to be forced to see Sin before he wanted to, before he was anywhere near ready for it.

He wanted nothing to do with Sin during the training; he'd been trying so hard to get the man out of his mind and already he'd fucked up twice. He could have gotten himself kicked out of training or worse for the Annadale Beach fiasco alone, he'd already realized how much he'd changed and how frustrated and pathetic he felt after Thierry. And then the interrogation-- Sin's name repeatedly whispered around him as they made him relive memories about the relationship; his own strangled, desperate screams as he'd told them everything and all the while they'd tied him down, they'd kept returning with more and more water--

No, no, even at two weeks away, it was too soon. And what if he fucked up that last day? What if he'd made it through everything and they even weren't going to fail him for how much he'd given away in the interrogation and then, because he had to see Sin, because he had to fight him and they'd end up having to touch and-- Fuck, fuck, he couldn't do this--

Toby glanced at Boyd again, unaware of what was going through Boyd's mind. "Maybe he'll let you win so he can get back in your good graces."

For some reason, the comment made Boyd's tenuous hold snap. "That's not fucking funny, Toby!" he suddenly shouted, grabbing his book and throwing it across the room just as Toby had earlier. He curled forward, his hands over his temples and eyes squeezed shut.

"Fuck," Boyd hissed and he was trembling but he didn't know if it was due to anger, frustration, stress, fear... Everything was a jumble within him, everything was jagged and in shards and falling apart.

And now there was this, the idea that after everything, after all he'd gone through just to try to prove himself as his own person, that he could fail because of his issues with Sin or even if he didn't, it could be because Sin let him win...

Toby stared at him, looking a mix between surprised, guilty, and pleased that he wasn't the only one so shaken by R2I. Even so, he didn't say anything.

Boyd stayed hunched in on himself for a long moment before he realized that even just sitting in that room was too much for him. There was no way in hell he'd be able to study and he couldn't think; he couldn't handle this. He didn't even want Toby's eyes burning into him from the side because it felt like Toby knew too much, like Boyd was too transparent and Toby would be able to see too far into his mind--

With a sudden movement, Boyd stood and looked around the room briefly, distractedly, avoiding eye contact.

"I-- I can't--" Boyd cut himself off when he realized he didn't know how to finish the sentence. Shaking his head to himself, he was out the door before Toby had a chance to react.

Thankfully, he didn't run into anyone as he strode out of the training grounds. Walking across the compound, he went well out of his way so he wouldn't be anywhere near a place he could imagine running into Sin or Thierry.

He would never be able to tell anyone how long he walked or how he managed to navigate the streets in a coherent fashion. Not when he felt like he was completely falling apart and he had nowhere to go, no one he could see who felt safe. No one who he could trust and who would understand.

His fingers clenched within his pockets, his face tilted toward the sidewalk as it passed beneath him. Cold wind blew past him but he barely noticed; he unconsciously hunched forward, eyes sliding shut briefly as he tried to still the occasional trembling that had nothing to do with the temperature. But he was off-balance and unstable and when he stepped onto the street without looking and someone abruptly slammed on their horn, swerving to avoid hitting him, he felt a sudden jolt of fear that tore into the very depths of him.

He jerked his head up and looked around frantically, for some stupid reason thinking that he was back in that room, that the sound was the music starting again and maybe he'd never actually made it out, maybe this was all just a dream, maybe any second now his knees would hit the floor and they'd drag him--

Boyd moved faster, striding so quickly it was as if he thought he could literally run from the thoughts in his mind. He barely saw where he was going, barely understood anything except to react on a basic level to the environment around him; stop when cars flew by, run when they weren't there.

The city stretched and skewed in his peripheral vision, like grinning, toothless skyscrapers that arched and crowded around him. He felt at once highly sensitive to what was happening in his vicinity and incapable of properly interpreting anything.

He found himself automatically walking toward his home but that was the last place he wanted to be. He knew he wasn't in the right state of mind to be capable of dealing with an empty house with too many charged memories of Lou and Sin.

He started to feel the frustrated hysteria build-- The utter loss that hit him when he realized he didn't know where to go, didn't know what to do; he felt completely alone and he was afraid of what would happen when he lost even the little bit of control he had left.

The feeling crackled and surged within him, a wildfire that threatened to overtake his logic and made his eyes ache with the pressure of holding everything in, of trying to keep going even when he felt like he'd used up all his strength long ago and he was about to crash and burn from the momentum. Just as it almost became too much, just as the intensity made his hands hurt from his clenched fingers, Kassian's voice suddenly flashed through his mind, inviting him over again sometime.

Boyd seized onto those words almost desperately, like grasping a rope that suddenly appeared just as he was falling over a cliff. He couldn't even think about what he would do if Kassian wasn't there or if the man didn't want to see him. He simply headed toward the only person he felt like he could see.

It was fortunate that Kassian lived so near Boyd, close enough that even in that chaotic state of mind he could remember where to go even if he accidentally turned down the wrong street at first. When he stopped in front of Kassian's house, Boyd stood on the sidewalk for a moment, struggling to pull himself together enough to make sure he would not seem like a crazed lunatic on Kassian's doorstep.

He felt weak and pathetic for feeling so upset yet at the same time he was at a loss as to how to stop it now that it had started.

As soon as he felt like he had as much control as he was likely to gather in this situation, even if it felt like next to nothing, he walked up to Kassian's door with a thundering heart. He saw Kassian's truck in the driveway but he didn't let himself feel hope; Kassian could have gone somewhere on foot.

With a hand Boyd tried hard to stop from trembling, he hesitated then knocked loudly.

Now that he was close to the door he could hear booming rock music coming from somewhere inside the house. After a brief moment the music lowered and the door swung open.

Kassian gave Boyd a slightly disturbed look and appeared a mix between utterly bewildered by Boyd's frazzled appearance and caught off guard when he'd obviously not been expecting company. Kassian was barefoot, clad only in a pair of loose cotton pants and he looked damp, as though he'd recently gotten out of the shower.

He barely hesitated before stepping aside and gesturing for Boyd to come in. "What's wrong?"

Boyd automatically started to walk into the house, gaze darting around as if he couldn't figure out what to focus his attention on. "Kassian, hi, I-- I'm sorry, were you busy?" he rambled, feeling off-balanced and uncertain of himself. "I didn't-- I don't know where else to go."

"I'm not busy at all." Kassian frowned slightly and stopped just inside the living room. He stared at Boyd but when he didn't sit down, Kassian pointed at the sofa. "Just chill for a minute, you look like you're about to have some kind of breakdown."

Boyd let out a short half-laugh that didn't sound entirely sane. "I think I might be," he said distantly.

Boyd walked over to the sofa and, after a second of staring at it, he sat down, leaning forward with his head in his hands and his elbows resting on his knees. He felt shaky and out of sync with everything around him but at least knowing he was around someone else, in someone's home, made him feel just a little bit better.

Kassian sat down at the other end of the couch and studied Boyd silently. Kassian's fluffy cat Peaches jumped up between them and curled up against Boyd's side. She rubbed her head against his thigh for a moment before blinking up at him curiously.

Boyd slid his fingers apart just enough to look down at her, at her brilliant green eyes as she watched him without judgment or reproach. Her fluffy white and grey fur made her look larger than she was and her tail twitched curiously behind her.

After a moment, he reached down and ran slightly trembling fingers along her soft fur. She was warm and small and leaned into his touch with a pleased, muffled purr, and his heart clenched painfully at the knowledge that there was a creature out there that wasn't judging him, expecting anything from him; that just existed and wanted his love.

Suddenly he felt like it was all just too much; tears welled in his eyes and he couldn't stop them anymore, he couldn't hold everything in. He leaned forward, his fingers curling against her fur and she arched her back insistently, trying to get him to pet her. A strangled breath escaped him and he started crying.

"Kassian," he whispered abruptly with a hoarse voice, "I-- I don't know what to do."

Boyd was utterly incapable of hiding just how lost and overwhelmed he felt, of how close he felt to breaking apart completely and never quite managing to mend himself back together again. He leaned forward again, his free arm automatically sliding down in an old protective gesture across his stomach.

"I feel like I'm falling apart." Boyd's voice twisted with distant fear and desperation and he could feel the tears falling harder. He knew he must look pathetic as he sat there crying, curled forward on the couch, but he felt too chaotic to be able to do anything about it. "I can't-- I can't think, I can't sleep, I'm so-- Everything's too much and I don't know if I can do it anymore, I don't know if I can handle this, and I-- I'm so fucking scared..."

Kassian shifted on the couch but he hesitated before actually moving any closer. He didn't really seem to know what to do but surprise was clear on his face before something seemed to occur to him. His blue eyes narrowed slightly in understanding and he leaned forward to put a hand on Boyd's shoulder. "Did you have torture training this past week?"

Boyd's breath hitched as he tried to inhale a little deeper and he covered his face with the hand he'd had resting on Peaches. He just nodded silently, unable to come up with words.

Kassian squeezed Boyd's shoulder sympathetically before removing his hand and sitting back again. "Yeah, that was the worst fucking part of training for me. I'm pretty sure I was begging for them to kill me by the end."

Boyd let out a helpless, mirthless half-laugh that was partially muffled by his gasps for breath. "You too?" he asked, voice thick with emotion as he struggled to regain any sense of stability.

"Heh. I was a mess." Kassian picked up an empty beer bottle from the end table and stared at it before setting it back down. His lips pressed together slightly before he looked at Boyd again. "They have a way of getting things out of you, don't they? Of getting all of your secrets, every possible thing they can use against you in the future if you don't follow their orders."

Kassian snorted softly and added almost bitterly, "They call it training for interrogation but really it's just an excuse for them to suck you dry before they promote you. So they can find out every little detail about what makes you tick."

Boyd shook his head. "It was-- it's fucking horrible."

It took some time but he slowly started to quiet down as he began to almost feel too tired even for tears. There were several moments of silence as Boyd struggled to regain some sense of control; although he hadn't cried for long, it had been enough to give him the release of emotions he'd needed. But if he let it go for too long, he didn't know if he'd be able to stop.

Kassian was quiet, giving him a chance to recover.

Boyd finally managed to get his breathing back to normal for the most part. He almost didn't want to ask the question that came to mind, the thing he'd been wondering about since he'd mentioned it to Toby, but he felt compelled. "They don't... If I get promoted, do they... Does it happen again?"

"Unfortunately it does," Kassian admitted apologetically. His clear blue eyes stayed trained on Boyd, taking in every movement as Boyd slowly got himself back together. "But the more in-depth training is actually training, not straight torture. So it's not as disturbing."

Boyd slid his eyes closed and nodded, his face tilted toward his lap. Honestly, he'd been almost positive that they would train them more; after all, everything in the Level 10 training was basically a precursor for more intensive training later. But some small part of him had hoped that maybe they wouldn't, maybe this would be enough. At the same time...

"Good," Boyd said quietly. "I mean, if it happens, at least..."

At least it would serve some purpose next time. He wondered if they'd make him go through waterboarding again, if they'd try to teach him how to resist it, and if he'd ever be able to last more than a few seconds before he was begging for release. The thought made him shudder deeply and he brought a hand up to his temple again, desperately wishing that he could get this shaky, weak feeling to leave him completely.

Kassian reached out to pet Peaches but she jumped off the couch and darted off across the room. He made a face at the cat before turning his attention to Boyd again. "Everyone goes through this but really, even if they do have their motives, it's good to experience it first here and not elsewhere. You know?"

It was true; even if it had been horrible, even if he'd rather never have had to go through it at all, at least Boyd knew they wouldn't do anything permanent to him. At least they wouldn't have actually killed him. Probably. At least it was allies getting this information and not enemies who could use it against those around him. At least the majority of the information he gave away was going to mostly just affect himself. Unless the information on Sin somehow got back to affect him too...

Boyd nodded slightly before he dropped his hand lifelessly onto his lap and stared blankly at his curled fingers. His arm remained against his stomach but at least he wasn't holding it in closely, protectively, anymore.

"It's all..." Boyd started to say quietly, not entirely aware at first of the fact that he was speaking aloud. "All of it was bad enough, but I just... It's... Everything with Sin, and-- and all the shit they got out of me about him and then..."

He fell silent briefly before he finally looked over at Kassian. His honey brown eyes were red-rimmed from the tears and he still looked somewhat lost, somewhat afraid, but now it was tempered with weariness that made him seem paler, features heavier. "And then Toby said he's coming to training and I just... I guess I freaked out."

Kassian ran a hand along the stubble that covered his jaw, eyebrows drawn together slightly. After a moment he stood up without questioning Boyd further on the topic. "You want something to drink? I have beer and water. And two day old coffee but I think it's still technically good. There may be some tea hanging out in a cabinet somewhere too."

Boyd barely even considered the choices; although it was against his typical tastes, he felt so off-kilter that even tea didn't sound good to him. Instead, the idea of something that would just get his mind off everything and make him relax suddenly sounded very appealing. "You know, I-- Can I have a beer?"

"Of course."

Kassian turned around and headed towards the kitchen. Boyd looked up just in time to catch a glimpse of Kassian's retreating back and he noticed a large tattoo of a crucifix between Kassian's shoulder blades and what appeared to be an image of a serpent or snake looped twice around his midsection.

There was another tattoo on his lower back that appeared to be a few lines written in Russian but Boyd couldn't make out the words, not that he would have been able to translate or read them even if he could. Boyd looked after Kassian blankly and belatedly realized that Kassian's front had also been covered in several tattoos but Boyd had been so distracted he'd barely noticed.

Within a minute, Kassian re-entered the living room with a beer in each hand and wearing a faded band t-shirt. He sat down next to Boyd and handed him a tall black bottle of Guinness, the cap already having been removed.

"Thanks," Boyd said automatically, staring at the beer in his hands briefly before he took a long drink and leaned back. He kept himself from making a face and dropped his head against the back of the couch, sliding his eyes shut. Although he'd never much liked the taste of beer and doubted he ever would, it was still better than nothing and somehow fit his mood.

Kassian drank from his bottle, eyes once again trained on Boyd intently. After a moment, Boyd slid his eyes open and they just looked at each other; Boyd couldn't help but notice that the silence wasn't tense at all. Despite the fact that he'd burst in on Kassian without warning, there was no tension, no awkwardness and it felt almost natural.

Boyd's gaze was caught by the way Kassian's intensely clear blue eyes studied him closely without reproach or expectation, and at that moment it made Boyd feel somehow better or safer; as if he could trust Kassian to look out for him even if he fell apart again.

The mood was a welcome, far cry from the first time he'd been invited to Kassian's and Boyd found that he truly appreciated it. He didn't know what he would have done had it been strange and awkward like before.

The silence stretched only awhile longer and finally Kassian cleared his throat and spoke again. "It's almost over, kid. I know it's not easy but you can't let that part of the training get you down. Whatever happened, whatever you told them, none of it matters anymore and it's probably something that would have been found out sooner or later anyway."

Kassian tilted the neck of his beer bottle at Boyd. "The easiest part of dealing with torture is the physical part. When it's over, it's over. The mental part, the memories, that's what sucks and you have to figure out a way to push it all to the back of your mind."

Boyd sighed heavily and nodded, rubbing his eyes with his free hand before he leaned over his beer and stared at it. "I know," he said wearily. "I just-- I hate how it makes me feel. I wish I could just flip a switch but I can't. And as soon as tomorrow hits I have to be on top of everything again for the solo and then after that the testing. I can't afford to fuck up but it feels like, how will I not?"

"Because that's what they want you to do," Kassian said bluntly, taking another gulp of his own beer. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Why do you think they put R2I right before the final tests? To see how badly it affects your head, how much you let it get to you. I know it's not easy, Boyd, I'm not trying to say it is, but you have to find a way to take it and use it to your advantage."

Boyd nodded distractedly, staring at the nearly black color of the beer. "You're right," he said a little distantly, thinking about what Kassian had said.

It was true; the R2I really had been placed at the worst time. But when he thought of it that way, of them using his reactions against him even more than they had already, of this just being another test as they toyed with him, he felt a distant spark of resolve that he'd feared had been lost to him forever.

Boyd clung to the feeling of determination and let it grow inside him.

He could do this. He could.

He'd made it through difficult times before and he'd lived. If they wanted to rip him apart slowly from the inside out, fine. They'd done that quite well during R2I. But that had been their week, that had been on their terms. He wasn't in that room anymore; he had some sense of freedom again, he had some sense of power.

If he let them break him down, let him lose everything at this critical point, then he was letting them win. He was falling back on the weakness he often resorted to.

How long was he going to let others break him apart? How long was he going to let it be an excuse for his own weakness, his own inability to keep moving when he still had the strength, still had the freedom and opportunity? Hadn't all this been about growing stronger, becoming more independent? And, what, he was going to let the first sign of trouble completely derail him? Let something inconsequential like his phobias overcome everything he'd been working so hard toward?

He'd be damned if he was going to give Doug more to mock him about, he'd be damned if he'd let the following two weeks be something he looked back on with regret. It was just fourteen more days. He could do that easily, one step at a time. A plan for each day, a goal to move toward. What happened after training didn't matter right now. He'd make it through this; after all, he'd survived worse than their games.

Boyd's eyes narrowed in stubborn determination and he repeated, more firmly, "You're right."

A small grin turned up the corners of Kassian's mouth and he almost looked proud of Boyd; of the transformation that had taken place in Boyd's expression and posture in the brief span of time. The younger agent no longer looked broken and beaten down. "There you go."

They sat in silence again and Kassian gulped down the rest of his beer. He set the empty bottle down next to the other on the end table and finally asked, "So what's Sin got to do with all of this? I know you said you broke it off with him but is shit really that bad?"

Instead of answering immediately, Boyd took a deep drink of the beer, the taste unpleasant and tingling on his tongue but keeping him even further in the moment. He rested the bottle in his lap and shook his head, although it was more out of frustration with himself than anything. With the imminent feeling of overwhelming fear now somewhat subdued by his determination, there was nothing to stop the frustration from surging regarding Sin.

"I'm just such a fucking idiot when it comes to him," Boyd said in annoyance. "I just-- I know everyone told me not to, I know it was probably a bad idea from the start, but I just kept going for him, like a moth to the flame. I kept believing in him, I kept..."

His eyes narrowed and he took another drink and then stared at the bottle. "And you know, I actually fucking loved him," he continued in a burst of irritation. "I felt-- I've never felt anything that strongly before and I fucking told him I loved him. Jesus Christ, I don't know what the hell else I was supposed to give him; I would've died for him, I would've done anything. And then the first chance he gets, he's fucking someone else and can't even bother to give me a reason other than he felt like he needed to at the time. I mean-- What the fuck is that?"

Kassian looked taken aback by the sudden outburst and scratched the back of his head. "Wow. I... honestly don't know what to say about that."

"Well, I don't either," Boyd said with a bit of an edge, half caught up in his rant. "I don't fucking understand him. He kept saying he didn't get why him sleeping with someone else had anything to do with us. Apparently all along I could've fucked whoever I wanted and it wouldn't have been a problem for him. He tried to say we had to talk some other time even though he refused to say why. And he wouldn't get why I couldn't trust him anymore or why I was upset; he just said I was jealous and fucking unreasonable. I don't know who's stupider between us-- him for thinking I wouldn't care about this, or me for fucking caring in the first place."

"Oh." Kassian paused briefly and seemed at a loss. "I'm not the best person to comment on this. I've never had a successful monogamous relationship."

"Yeah, well, apparently I don't know how to have one either," Boyd grumbled in frustration.

Kassian went back to rubbing his blond stubble, studying Boyd carefully and obviously picking up on the fact that this was a sensitive topic. "Why do you think he wanted to talk later?"

"I don't know," Boyd said in frustration. "He said he didn't feel comfortable talking about it then and I was misinterpreting everything. But if I was, why the hell couldn't he talk to me? Or at least give me more of a reason than he just felt like it?"

"Huh." Kassian shrugged his broad shoulders, his handsome face genuinely baffled. "That sounds pretty strange. Are you going to actually talk to him about it all or just say screw it?"

"I'm sure I'll talk to him at some point, it's just..." Boyd trailed off, trying to put in words how he felt about it all.

"I don't even know if anything he has to say matters at this point," Boyd said honestly after a moment. "I already told him we were over. I just... I thought I was important to him but now I can't help feeling used. We used to actually talk, I used to feel like there was a connection. But then again even right after we started sleeping together, he had no problems kissing a woman in front of me. I should've said something or thought more of it but at that time I didn't realize how I felt about him. And he kept saying he needed me but for what? Ever since I told him I loved him, he was less likely to talk; suddenly all he wanted from me was sex and he even got more impatient with that, like I was mostly there to make him come. And then even sex wasn't just between us."

Boyd was quiet briefly. It didn't even occur to him that maybe Kassian didn't want to hear details about his sex life with Sin; he just needed to talk to someone about this and Kassian was the only person he had to turn to.

Kassian's eyebrows rose slightly. "Why didn't you say something about the other chick he fooled around with?"

Boyd didn't immediately answer; he stared at the beer for a long moment before he finally sighed and looked up at Kassian. "I don't know, maybe I felt... guilty. He's just wanted to be normal for so long and there I was, introducing him to gay sex simply because I was hot for him and... I mean, I'm gay, I can't be any other way. But in Monterrey he had a real chance. People saw him as just another person for the first time in his life. He really could've been normal, he really could've experienced life the way a person's supposed to."

Boyd shook his head to himself and asked Kassian almost somberly, "How could I take that away from him? If he was attracted to her, was it because he wasn't actually gay, was it because he was bi, or was it because he'd never been attracted to men in the first place and I'd just wormed my way in? He told me he'd almost had sex with her but had stopped and that night was the first time I was positive he was attracted to me. So at first I thought maybe he really did want me, maybe I was special, but then later he was kissing her in front of me... I didn't know I loved him, I just knew I wanted him to be happy regardless of how I felt. I didn't think I had the right to stop him. But I just didn't realize how much that mindset hurt me until later."

Kassian rubbed a hand over his short hair and made a sound in the back of his throat that sounded like a cross between a scoff and an uncomfortable chuckle. "I got to say, Boyd, it's really weird hearing shit like this about Vega. I mean... I guess I understand why you got mixed up with him but who are these other people? Where the hell did they come from?"

"He worked with them for his cover in Monterrey. There was a woman, his boss, who wanted him from the start. And..." Boyd trailed off briefly. "They gave him a going away party when he left and it was like they really were his friends. He didn't want to leave so I guess... that's why I felt like I shouldn't pull him away more than I already had."

"I guess that makes sense? I can't really picture him making friends with his attitude but okay." Kassian looked doubtful. "But what about this woman you saw him with recently?"

Boyd grimaced. "That was someone else-- Ann Connors. I guess he was fucking her while I was in training."

"What!" Kassian sat up straight and shook his head in denial, expression incredulous. "No way. Her? What the hell?"

"Hell if I know," Boyd said somewhat bitterly. "They don't even like each other, I'm gone for a fucking month, and they're in each others' pants. Hence why an explanation would've been fucking nice. But all he'd say was he didn't give a damn about her and him fucking her shouldn't have anything to do with me."

"Wow. That's just really... bizarre. Maybe that's why he was at her office that day," Kassian suggested thoughtfully. "I don't know, kid. I don't even know what to say about any of this. It's just odd."

"Her office?" Boyd echoed, confused. "Was he visiting my mother?"

"What? Oh, Ann doesn't work for Vivienne anymore. She went back to the psychiatric department awhile ago. I'm not sure when but when I got back from Russia she was assigned as my doctor so before then I guess."

Boyd raised an eyebrow. How ironic that Sin decided to start sleeping with Ann as soon as she was back into psychiatry; apparently there was a Vega gene that kicked in with the Connors girls as soon as they worked as a shrink. Although that explained why Sin had been on the Ninth floor on Boyd's first break and, to some extent, why Ann and Sin were even on speaking terms in the first place. Boyd just shook his head, not even knowing what to say about that.

"I wonder if she and Philip are splitting up or something," Kassian continued, standing up and picking up the empty bottles.

"Who's Philip?"

"Captain Scott," Kassian replied as he dumped the bottles in the garbage. "He's... Well he's kind of an unimportant douche so it's no wonder you don't know him. He's Ann's husband as far as I know. No one really expected them to last after her father kicked the bucket and I guess this is evidence enough that everyone was right."

Boyd raised his eyebrows briefly then finished off his beer. He hadn't known Ann was married; nice to know that he wasn't the only one who this affected. "What did Connors have to do with it?"

"I dunno. It seemed like some kind of marriage of convenience for Philip. Like she's his meal ticket. I don't know the whole deal though so I don't have much to say on the subject other than what it looked like on the outside." Kassian sat down again and extended his long legs, digging his toes into the carpet.

"Hmm." Boyd leaned forward to set the empty bottle on the table then settled back into the couch as he slowly felt some of the effects of the alcohol.

It didn't really matter to him what kind of marriage it was and he didn't care that much about Ann. However, the question did briefly pass through his mind of why she would have married in the first place if it was only for Philip's convenience. It didn't sound like she loved Philip, but then, who knew anymore? Sin said he cared about Boyd more than anyone else but look what happened with that.

"So anyway," Kassian said after awhile. "Why did you come here of all places? I didn't think you'd ever actually come over, to be honest."

Boyd smiled mirthlessly to himself and looked over. "I thought I was about to lose my mind," he said frankly, "and you were the only one I could think to turn to. The only other people I normally would've even considered are indisposed or not anyone I want to see right now. I needed to be around someone; I already tried forgetting about things more physically and that was an abysmal failure so..."

Boyd shrugged. "I guess it came down to the same reason you invited me over in the first place."

Kassian had once told him that he felt comfortable around Boyd because Boyd had no expectations of him, so it wouldn't matter if Boyd saw the side of Kassian that he normally couldn't let himself show anyone. That same mentality was exactly what Boyd had needed now.

Kassian arched an eyebrow at Boyd and gave him a curious look. "More physically?"

Boyd grimaced briefly and wondered why he'd even brought that up; it was possible that part of him just wanted to get everything out there to someone. What he'd realized that night still bothered him and after already giving Kassian way too much information about his sex life, it wasn't like it mattered if Kassian knew he'd slept with Thierry again.

"Yeah, I... visited Thierry last break," Boyd said simply.

Kassian just gave him a blank stare that slowly morphed into an unimpressed frown. "What's with you and banging these feminine-looking dudes?"

"What?" Boyd asked, taken aback. He hadn't been expecting that response at all and it took him a second to think of an answer. "I don't, really. I mean-- okay, Thierry, but Sin has a really masculine body." He thought about that briefly and it occurred to him that when Sin was wearing clothing people probably couldn't tell how built he was because he was otherwise so slender. "When you see it."

"I guess. He's still a scrawny bastard though. He could afford to gain a pound or thirty." Kassian frowned disapprovingly at the idea of how underweight his rival was. The expression on his face was actually almost comical. "So is that your type or something? Skinny dudes who look all exotic-like and semi-feminine?"

Boyd couldn't help a rather bemused expression as he actually considered that. Admittedly, two of the three people he'd slept with did fit that criteria perfectly, and Lou had been thin and 'semi-feminine' as well, he supposed, especially with that shock of curly hair. But he also found Patrick and Kassian to be attractive and neither of them were feminine at all.

"I never really thought about it, I guess," Boyd replied after a moment, thinking aloud. "But-- No, I don't think I'd really say that. I guess I go more by personality than looks. Obviously I find those criteria you listed attractive but by now I've come to like muscles too so I don't know where that puts me."

"Able to appreciate all shapes and sizes?" Kassian suggested with a laugh. "It doesn't really matter, I was just joking around. Trying to get your mind off the serious stuff."

Boyd let out a short, amused sound. "It helps. Now I know I'm an equal opportunity gay lover," he said lightly. "The sky's the limit from now on."

Kassian shook his head with a grin. "If only that were actually the case. For us, the Agency's ceiling is the limit."

The senior agent pointed at Boyd, changing the subject before Boyd could reply to that statement. "So do you actually have something else to do today?"

Boyd blinked. "Me? No. Well," he amended, "I have to study for the finals..."

"No. I say studying today is a bad idea."

Boyd quirked an eyebrow. "Really," he said, making it an intrigued statement. "Why? I may not have time this week."

"Do you really think you're going to be able to magically cram all of this knowledge into your head in one day?" Kassian scoffed. "Doubtful. Slim chance. Very unlikely. Especially not when you're already stressed out and upset. I say you spend the day, or at least most of it, taking it easy."

Boyd had to admit that Kassian had a point. Although he was feeling a lot more stable now than he had back at the compound, he didn't relish the idea of returning to that room with Toby probably still in a dismal mood. He was too tired for working out and when he really thought about it, if he did try to study hard right then he'd probably end up stressing himself out all over again and lose the calmness he'd managed to gain.

Even so, he didn't really know what else to do.

"True. I guess I could go read at my house," Boyd said slowly, thinking aloud.

"You could," Kassian agreed with a shrug. "Where do you live, anyway? I know you said it's right around here."

"Oh, that's right, I never told you." Boyd raised an eyebrow and said wryly, "Guess it's only fair so you have the opportunity to suddenly show up freaking out on my doorstep too. I'm over at 508 Magnolia Lane. Off 5th."

"We'll see," the blond man said with a neutral smile. "But for now, why don't you just stay here and hang out for awhile? I have nothing to do other than spend the day playing first person shooters that I've already beaten fifty some odd times. There used to be a way to play on the Internet a long time ago back when the Internet was a commodity but now that option is nonexistent so it gets pretty repetitive after awhile."

Boyd hesitated only briefly; he hadn't expected for Kassian to actually invite him to stay. When he'd first come over, he hadn't had a plan in mind, he'd just needed to get away. But since he did just sideline Kassian's day for an hour, he'd thought the man would want to get back to what he'd been doing.

Then again, Kassian had already invited him at the training compound and the idea of sitting around playing video games and not having to think was very appealing.

"Alright," Boyd said, tilting his head and smirking slightly. "As long as you don't get mad when I beat you."

"Ha!" Kassian stood up and walked over to the entertainment center, squatting down in front of it as he fiddled with one of the systems. "You wish, kid. I've heard about the way you shoot."

"Hey," Boyd said in mock indignation, "I've had more training. And besides, maybe I'm a stellar shot on games, you don't know." His smirk became teasing. "I used to beat my friend a lot. If you win it's just because you've had no life the past few days so you're at an unfair advantage."

"I just have inherent skill," Kassian replied confidently. He turned on the television and the game logo blinked on the screen.

"It's too bad about the online function," Kassian added in a mournful tone, pointing out the 'Live' option on the select screen. "If you're any good we could have played teams online with other people and kicked ass. I remember when I was a kid, I used to play online with all of these military dudes and they thought they were really incredible. They'd get their asses handed to them now."

Kassian handed Boyd a wireless controller. "If you haven't noticed, I'm really competitive about... everything."

"You?" Boyd asked with raised eyebrows, looking amused. "Competitive? Nah." He settled more comfortably on the couch and added, "I believe you're good but I'll believe you're that good when I see it."

Kassian sprawled in an armchair and lifted one side of his mouth in a grin. "Allow me to enlighten you, kiddo."

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Continue to Afterimage Chapter Twenty-Three...