Chapter Fifteen

Katzenjammer

Uploaded on 3/13/07

Katzenjammer
1. A loud, discordant noise.
2. A hangover.
3. A state of depression or bewilderment.

---

Throughout the entire flight Sin had tried to either fall asleep or adopt a meditative state but both ventures had proven unsuccessful. Boyd's presence both distracted and annoyed him. Sin couldn't get the memories of the previous night out his mind while the cause of his first and only alcoholic binge sat in such close proximity.

It would have been unfair to blame Boyd entirely however, it was his own ridiculous weakness that had caused him to drink. He'd sat through Thierry's condescending comments silently, trying not to ruin the mission with his usual inability to control his temper. He'd been successful on that end but it was when Thierry's constant flirtation and flattery towards Boyd had started that his tenuous grip on control had begun to slip. He'd tried to deny it at first but after the first hour, it was painfully obvious that he felt jealousy. It was an alien emotion to him, something that he'd never had reason to feel before, but as Thierry's hands had begun to brush Boyd's face and hair, as his flirtation switched entirely to French, Sin's vision began to grow red around the edges and his craving for violence had been strong. At that point he wasn't entirely sure what he'd felt for Boyd but it'd been painfully obvious that something was definitely there.

The worst part, however, had been that Boyd had allowed the treatment. He'd leaned into Thierry's touches, flirting with him sweetly, driving Sin's anger up notch after notch with every word he murmured in French. It'd been the phone call that had pushed him over the edge though; Boyd's willingness to whore himself for the Agency and its ridiculous cause, a cause Sin doubted he fully supported or even understood. His jealousy had mingled with disgust, disappointment, anger. He'd berated himself for being so weak as to form an attachment to someone he barely knew, to form an attachment to anyone at all after living twenty eight years without needing one. He'd told himself that Boyd was another disappointment, another agent who followed Carhart and Connors blindly.

The idea had been reinforced when he'd found the remote.

It was a slap in the face and it was what caused him to pick up the bottle in the first place. Boyd had allowed that ridiculous, flamboyant idiot Thierry to touch him and who knew what else just because it was what the Agency wanted but when Sin had stalked and killed the man who'd murdered his best friend, he'd cringed away from Sin's touch. He'd been bitterly reminded that he was only a killer to Boyd and was not supposed to expect much beyond that. The replacement remote for his collar had confirmed the thought and the incident later had cemented it.

The violence hadn't surprised him, it was the drunken, jealous ranting and sudden frenzied kisses that had. Sin knew he would have never done either if he'd been sober; he would have sat in his room angry and silent, planning to cut off all emotional ties without a word about it. It would have been better that way. Now all he could think about was the way he'd touched and kissed his partner, the way Boyd had responded, and bitterly, humiliatingly, the way Boyd had ultimately rejected him with so much fear and disgust in his eyes.

Sin's face burned with shame as he strode towards the conference room for the debriefing. He was disappointed in Boyd and disgusted with himself. The complete lack of discipline he showed as of late was pathetic. It was times like these that he wished his father were still alive, still there to beat the feelings and the weakness out of him. He resolved to retrain himself mentally, to do whatever it took to get the image of Boyd's smile and the taste of his wet kisses out of his mind. He planned to do whatever it took, including going back to the box if it came down to it.

Sin and Boyd walked from the plane to the debriefing together, but neither said anything or even looked at the other. When they arrived at the conference room, they silently took their seats. Boyd slid into his normal seat with a perfectly neutral expression, and though he glanced at Ryan in greeting his gaze did not linger. Sin sat down at his usual spot at the table and looked around at the others moodily before staring at his hands with a blank, cold stare. He could feel Ryan's questioning gaze on him but he ignored it.

"Welcome back, gentlemen," Carhart began smoothly once they were both settled. "We've had some developments in the few days that you've been gone, but we'll get to that later. Your appearances are somewhat alarming at the moment. Hopefully it isn't a sign that things went poorly."

"Yeah uh you kinda look hungover, Sin," Ryan murmured with wide eyes.

Carthart sent Ryan an irritated look and jumped straight to the point. "Was Thierry cooperative?"

Boyd inclined his heat slightly, his expression emotionless. "Yes." He pulled the disc from his pocket and slid it across the table to Carhart. "He said this disc contains all the information we need, but that it is heavily coded."

Carhart examined the disc for a moment before loading it onto the computer. "Thierry and his games," He muttered a little sourly and typed some commands. There was a brief pause and then a folder containing a few files appeared on the projector.

Carhart stared at it blankly for a long moment before turning to Jeffrey.

Jeffrey narrowed his eyes and leaned across the table. "Excuse me, General, I just need to..." Carhart brought his hands away from the keyboard without seeming to care and Jeffrey loaded and closed the files so quickly it was difficult to even follow what he was doing. He ended up with a document on the screen containing blocks of capitalized letters that looked completely random. His lips thinned and he looked displeased. "Of course," he said rather sourly, "They would pull out OTP..."

Ryan looked over at Jeff in startled confusion. "Whoa, really? OTP?" Peering at the screen, he tilted his head as if trying to read the letters. "Who with who?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jeff demanded, giving Ryan a look as if he thought him insane.

"You said OTP," Ryan said doubtfully and Jeffrey just rolled his eyes.

"One-time pad, not whatever ungodly nerdy thing you thought of." Shaking his head to himself, Jeff sat back in his chair and muttered in disbelief to himself, "Who with who..."

Carhart stared at the screen dubiously then turned to Jeffrey. "So. What does it say?"

"Nothing at the moment," Jeffrey said with a shrug. "They're being cute with us. There are essentially two files I'll need to decrypt; what looks like a public-key cryptosystem and a one-time pad. The public-key will take a bit but I can probably crack it with my computer and, of course, my extreme intelligence..." No one seemed impressed by his proclamation so he moved on quickly. "But the OTP will be a hassle. If they did that right, it's unbreakable. But I'll find a way. I enjoy challenges. Of course, knowing them, I will probably have to decipher both files and integrate the information together to fully understand what is being transmitted." He leaned back in his chair with a slight sigh. "Thierry was not lying that it is heavily encrypted."

Carhart turned to the projector again, seeming displeased. "I see. Well. How long will it take you to decode?"

"I don't know," Jeffrey said, turning to Carhart while he absently patted some papers into a better pile in front of him. "It could be anywhere from weeks to months depending on how difficult or random the algorithms are, and the OTP will definitely take awhile. As far as I can tell from that first glance, it may take me awhile to even know where to start."

Carhart rubbed his chin for a moment and nodded absently. He stared at the projector for a moment before shutting it off and handing the disc to Jeff. "What are the chances that this is completely useless information and Thierry is once again toying with us?"

Jeff shrugged but did not say anything at first as the question seemed posed to the room at large.

Boyd slid his gaze down to the table but otherwise did not move despite the way his stomach crawled at the thought. 'Once again?' But Carhart was so insistent that Thierry gave incredibly valuable information, that it was imperative he remain pleased at all costs. It would have been nice if he'd known there was a precedent for that before they'd gone over there. It could have changed the way Boyd had interacted.

'Trust me,' the note had said, but what reason did he really have to trust Thierry except Carhart's word that he was an important informant? Boyd stared at his fingers silently, his expression completely blank.

The snicker escaped Sin's mouth before he could stop it. Ryan and Carhart both shot strange looks at him, but he refused to say more and continued to look down at his hands. The idea of Boyd having whored himself for no reason left him both disgusted and darkly amused at the pure irony of the situation.

"Well, it's not like Thierry does that all the time," Ryan commented mildly, peering at Boyd out of the corner of his eye. "Just when Sin was involved, breaking his nose and what not. Anything is possible though... I wish we just knew where he stood."

Boyd did not look at Sin on purpose; he didn't want to see what expression he may have. He didn't even appear to notice Ryan's glance his way; instead, he remained silent and stared at the table.

Carhart spread his hands open. "I suppose we'll just have to wait and see." He glanced at Boyd. "How did negotiations go with him?"

The twist in Boyd's stomach did not make it to his expression. "Well enough," he said after a moment, his voice completely devoid of emotion.

Carhart scowled at him. "Care to be more specific?"

It took a moment for Boyd to respond and even when he spoke again he did not look up. "Sin behaved himself very well and did not upset Thierry. It helped that I know French. He must have been impressed by Sin's restraint and my heritage."

Sin's eyes narrowed and he flexed his hands idly. Behaved himself. What was he? Some child?

"Did he talk about anything relevant? Any information about Janus? What did he say when he gave you the disc?" Carhart pressed. "It would be helpful if we had something else to go on so we can begin preparations to make a move."

"I'm kind of curious as to when he gave it to you myself, Boyd," Sin commented calmly. He told himself to shut up. He told himself to follow his original plan and just keep his mouth shut but he couldn't.

Boyd looked at Sin sidelong through his hair, his eyes narrowed just slightly. "He left it with a note," he said with the slightest hint of an edge to his voice. The edge left when he addressed Carhart. "And he never spoke about Janus. I believe all the information he would have talked about is on the disc."

Ryan blinked. "So what the heck did he talk about?" He asked obliviously.

"Nothing," Boyd said, starting to get a little annoyed that everyone was so interested. "He babbled for most of the trip and took us sightseeing. It was very nonsensical." He paused, then looked over at Carhart. "Is that all? I'd like to get some sleep."

"Yeah," Sin added blandly. "He certainly didn't get any the last couple of nights."

"Sin," Boyd said with that same edge returning, pointedly not looking at him, "Shut up."

Sin shrugged and studied his fingers.

Carhart stared at them. "What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing," Boyd said again, looking at Carhart with some of the cool impatience his mother often affected. "Miscommunication. Are we done?"

Carhart narrowed his eyes for a moment and regarded Boyd silently, before looking at the others at the table. "Whether or not this disc has anything useful on it, you did a job well done of getting Thierry to give up any information at all. Your French background must have really impressed him."

"Actually I think it was his skills in bed that impressed him." It was out of his mouth before Sin could rein the words in and he regretted it instantly, although it did not show on his face.

There was a long, surprised silence.

Boyd finally looked at Sin fully, his expression hard and eyes narrowed. His head was angled enough away from all of them, that only Sin would be able to see the betrayal coldly bright in his eyes.

"What..?" Jeffrey said, unable to pass this up. He looked at Boyd with a cruel little grin playing at his lips. "Seriously? You fucked Thierry and he may have even given us bad info? Man, you must be terrible in bed."

"Enough," Carhart said, a cold edge to his voice. "I've had enough bullshit gossip and rumors. I don't need it spreading to this conference room." He looked at Boyd and inclined his head. "Good job, Boyd. ...Sin." He waved his hand and stood up. "We'll reconvene soon, to discuss the disc and the information about the factions in Asian." He was out of the conference room so fast it seemed as though he wanted very badly to not be a part of the conversation that would inevitably follow.

Sin glanced at Boyd and actually felt guilty, but then he remembered the remote and the guilt melted away.

Ryan glared at Jeff and then at Sin, but remained silent, not knowing what to say.

"I can't believe you took him that seriously," Jeff said, bursting into laughter as soon as Carhart left. He seemed truly amused by the situation. "What else did you take literally? The tongue in ass part? Or maybe that was part of the agreement-- I heard analingus is quite popular among gays now."

Boyd finally looked over at Jeffrey, his expression dead blank except for the anger in his slightly-narrowed eyes. He said nothing and just let Jeffrey think whatever he wanted.

"Impressed by your French heritage," Jeffrey repeated Boyd's earlier words, tears of mirth forming in his eyes as he continued to laugh, his voice mocking. "If you consider bartering with your body to be part of your heritage, it's no wonder I've never liked the French." He held up a hand before anyone could speak, shaking his head as he continued with laughter in his tone. "I'm kind of curious though-- How exactly did this transaction occur? Were there specifications, specific sex acts for certain information? Were you paid before or after--- Wait, wait, don't tell me. He left the disc, with a note and some crumpled up bills on the nightstand the next morning." He stopped talking because it was getting too hard to breathe between laughing and speaking.

Sin narrowed his eyes at Jeffrey, shook his head and got up, heading out of the conference room with a disgusted look on his face. Although, he didn't know who he was more disgusted with, Boyd or himself. His lack of self control was getting to be ridiculous.

"Just shut the hell up, Jeffrey! Mind your own business," Ryan snapped as Sin strode out of the room, real anger on his face.

Jeffrey shook his head at Ryan but didn't bother to stop laughing.

Boyd looked at Ryan quickly, then stood and was out the door following Sin faster than either of them could respond. Sin was moving so fast that he had to run briefly to catch up, but Boyd was pretty fast himself. Using his momentum, Boyd barely slowed at Sin's side before he shoved him once on the arm with all his strength. "What the hell is wrong with you?" he hissed, his eyes narrowed angrily.

Sin reacted automatically, grabbing Boyd's arm and twisting it before shoving him against the wall unceremoniously. "Is there a problem?" He asked coolly.

Boyd didn't bother struggling; he knew how it would end and he didn't care anyway. Instead, he just glared at Sin. "What the fuck do you think? Why did you say that?"

Sin let go of Boyd. He put his hands in his pockets and stared at Boyd with an expression that was completely frozen over. "I don't know."

A soft, completely humorless laugh escaped Boyd's mouth briefly, barely more than a bitter puff of breath. His eyes were ice beneath his anger, as was his voice. "Great. Well, next time you 'don't know,' do us both a favor and just don't talk."

A thin smirk graced Sin's features. "Why are you so embarrassed, Boyd?" He asked softly. "You were just doing your job, remember?"

Boyd stared at him for a long moment, then shook his head wordlessly and looked away, his voice the exact same remotely cold tone as his mother. "I'm not embarrassed, I'm disappointed."

"Disappointed?" Sin raised an eyebrow. "Why? Because you may have whored yourself out for no reason?"

"I think it's clear that you're more preoccupied with that than I am." Boyd looked at Sin with a cold smirk and eyes like ice, and his voice twisted into a taunt. "Why is that, Sin? Are you protecting my chastity, or are you just mad that you aren't as dedicated? Maybe you wanted to watch it yourself, get some pointers for your own little trysts? Next time, just ask. For a price, I might consider it."

Sin shook his head and kept his hands in his pockets, seemingly completely casual. "Do you really think I'll be offended by anything that comes out of your mouth? I don't often put much value on what people like you say. But let me ask you this, Boyd." He tilted his head to the side, adopting a curious expression. "Do you even know why you're here?"

"People 'like me'," Boyd repeated Sin's words with a humorless twist to his words. He looked away briefly then turned back. "And now you want to know why 'people like me' are here. So you'll listen to that but put no value on what I say. I'm good enough for one thing but not another?"

"No. I want to know why you think you're here." He smiled, it was pleasant and obviously fake. "I am willing to bet that you don't even know. I am willing to bet that you don't even know why we do what we do. But yet you're willing to go through such lengths to do what these people say." Sin shook his head, smile melting and features growing hard. "I have nothing else to say to you. Are we done?"

The coldness in Boyd's expression hardened. "I see," he said finally. "And yet you know this amazing secret? So tell me why we do this, if I'm so incapable of understanding on my own."

"Of course I know," Sin said, staring at him as if he thought him to be the biggest idiot in the world. "And you just made it clear that you do not so you have proven my point and I do not see the need to continue this conversation."

Boyd stared at him for a long moment, his expression closing off until he was nearly as remote as when they first met. "Fine," he said with an edge. "We're done." He turned and walked away without even bothering to wait for a response.

Ryan had been lingering near the conference room and watching the pair without really meaning to spy. He had a concerned look on his face as he watched Boyd walk away and took note of the blank expression. Ryan scowled and hurried up to him. "Hey, I'm sorry about that in there..."

Looking over, Boyd barely blinked at Ryan's appearance. "For what?" he asked without emotion. "You didn't do anything but defend me."

Ryan shook his head angrily. "They're so stupid," He complained, his voice changing to anger as he spoke. "If Owen had been there he'd have told them they were stupid too. We've dealt with Thierry several times in the past and the only time he jerked us around was when he dealt solely with Sin, because Sin would always offend him or injure him. Jeffrey is such a dumbass. He just has to find any reason to be an ass because he's so miserable with his own empty life. And Sin..."

Ryan hesitated and looked at Boyd, the glimmer of guilt appearing in his face once again. "I thought you guys were... I mean everyone's saying... What's wrong with him? Why's he acting like that again?"

Boyd was silent for a long time then barely shrugged one shoulder. He did not look over at Ryan and his voice remained emotionless. "I can't say why he is like that, but at the very least I believe it is safe to say he thinks I am worthless."

"But why?" Ryan asked angrily. "I thought you and he were... you know?"

Boyd stopped walking and turned to Ryan with his arms loosely crossed. He watched him for a few moments, as if debating something, then glanced around the hallway. "Can we not talk about this here?"

Ryan's face dropped and he shrugged. "Of course... I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone if I'm bothering you. I'm just worried..."

"No," Boyd said, shaking his head once. "I meant, can we at least go to your office? I'm certain Jeffrey will already be telling everyone, but in case he is not, I'd like to keep the rumors quiet as long as possible."

"Oh!" Ryan's face brightened. "Of course. Do you want to go to my apartment? I could make lunch," He offered with a friendly grin.

Boyd nodded and waited for Ryan to lead the way, his hands slipped into his pockets.

Ryan's apartment was located in the building that was directly across the courtyard from Sin's. It was a ten minute walk from the main building, even shorter since they walked quickly, having no desire to linger in the biting cold. Ryan walked with his hands shoved in the pockets of his big, down coat; it wasn't immediately obvious if it was over sized or if he was just under weight.

They entered the building with no problems from the guards, all of whom appeared to be on very friendly terms with Ryan and made passing comments about his supposed "Christmas cookies" that were "awesome". Ryan grinned cheerfully at them all and promised them Valentine's Day cookies if they behaved, before leading Boyd up to his messy apartment. It wasn't that it was dirty, it was just that there were stacks of paper and magazines everywhere; the same piles that had been there when Sin visited some months before with new additions to his collection.

"Sorry for the mess," Ryan said with an embarrassed grin.

"It's fine," Boyd said, looking around. "You seem well-liked." It was an idle observation, but true nonetheless.

"I don't see why. I think if I were other people, I'd find me annoying," Ryan said with a shrug. "I think most people just think it's weird that I work here and find it funny or whatever. Do you want food?"

"I'm fine, thank you," Boyd said and tilted his head as he watched Ryan seriously. Over time he had come to enjoy Ryan's presence, and even if he thought something had happened between Sin and him he couldn't really be upset with Ryan for it. Sin was his idol so it was no wonder something occurred. Beyond that, Ryan had been kind to him since the first time they met; he'd made an effort to get on good terms with Boyd, something almost no one had ever bothered to do. He didn't want Ryan thinking little of himself so he said honestly, "There are fewer people in the world than I have fingers on one hand who I find interesting enough to speak to for any period of time. You cannot possibly be very annoying if someone who is so exclusive chooses to visit you."

Ryan paused in clearing papers off the couch and stared at Boyd, reddening slightly. "Wow," He blushed. "Thanks, Boyd." He began straightening up again, seeming somewhat flustered by the comment. "Here, you can sit down now." He shrugged off his coat and tossed it on a table.

Boyd pulled his trench coat off and laid it next to Ryan's on the table, then sat down on the couch. He glanced at Ryan in acknowledgment then looked around the room more, noting the piles and messiness and how homey it felt. "Your apartment is very lived-in," he said, thinking how different it was from his home.

"It's messy," Ryan said with a sheepish smile, scratching his head. "I get pretty embarrassed when people come over, but not many people do so I don't usually worry too much about it."

"It shows you're alive," Boyd said with a slight shrug and leaned back in the couch.

Ryan sat down next to Boyd and stared at him for a long moment before he began to fidget with the torn hem of his sweater. "I'm sorry that I was looking at the surveillance when whatever happened with you and Sin. I didn't mean to be nosy, I swear," He blurted out suddenly. "It was an accident."

Boyd blinked at the sudden topic change and looked over at Ryan blankly. He shrugged with one shoulder. "I thought about the cameras. It's not your fault you were watching." He paused, then added a little softer, "It shouldn't have happened anyway."

"What... exactly happened?" Ryan asked slowly. "If you don't mind my asking."

Thinking about that night set a slight furrow into Boyd's eyebrows and he was silent for a long moment. It became apparent to him that here, he had the choice of whether he confided to Ryan or not. He could stay silent, but what was the point? Ryan seemed to honestly care, and if he continued being cold to him, he may lose the only friend he had. If Ryan would consider himself his friend and not just an acquaintance. Boyd didn't feel like getting lost in a semantics war in his mind, though, so he just sighed softly and looked at Ryan with a slightly less cold, slightly more open expression.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "I can't tell what happened there. He was the one who seemed to... come on to me, but then he backed off and seemed to act as though I were the one who had initiated it. He made me come all the way to his apartment to give him candy, but then he threw it to the side uncaringly." Boyd shook his head slightly. "I don't understand his motivation with anything, though I've come to the conclusion that he's playing with me. With all of us, I suppose."

Ryan shook his head, mouth turning down slightly. "I don't know... Why do you think he's playing with you?"

Boyd considered Ryan calmly, his head tilted slightly so his hair swayed to the side. "What happened when Sin came over?" he asked softly instead of answering.

The guilty look came over Ryan's face again. "I'm not sure. He came twice-- the first time he demanded use of my keycard and I couldn't really say no to him," He admitted sheepishly. "The second time he looked all... I don't know how to explain it. He was all quiet and deadly and asked me to look up some guys for him."

Ryan peeked at Boyd from over his glasses. "This Jared Strickland guy..."

Boyd's eyes widened despite himself and his hand unconsciously went to the ring on the necklace that now rested below his shirt. He stared at Ryan for a moment, thinking, while his heart rate automatically increased at the mention of Jared. So that was how Sin knew... So, when Ryan mentioned Sin coming to his apartment, he didn't mean that anything happened between them. He just meant...

"Jared... He... So you helped him," Boyd said finally, bewildered and off-balance. "Nothing... else happened? He just-- How did he know Jared's name?"

"I don't know, he wouldn't give me any information. He took my keycard and just came back with a picture and told me to find him." Ryan shrugged helplessly, still looking guilty. "I was so curious I stayed up all night trying to find a link between Jared and Sin but instead I found this little nothing article linking Jared to you..." He trailed off for a moment. "I didn't mean to pry, I swear."

"To me?" Boyd asked quietly, shaking his head and staring at Ryan as if he could not figure out what was happening. "What article... What picture? How could he have.... Wait, what did the article say? You must know who he is, then."

Ryan began to fidget again. "Yeah... I do now. I just felt so bad because I didn't know you were involved and I didn't want to end up prying into your history and I'm sorry," He said helplessly. He was silent again for a moment as if trying to choose his words carefully, sensitively. "It was this tiny article from a few years ago stating that you and your friend were attacked and that Jared was the main suspect, but there was no evidence linking him so they couldn't keep him."

"'Attacked,'" Boyd said bitterly with a humorless smile, shaking his head with his fingers tightening over the ring. He looked away and barely seemed to realize he was speaking aloud. "Jared Strickland murdered my best friend in front of my eyes. He kicked out his teeth, stabbed his throat so he couldn't talk, stabbed him in the stomach, in the heart... He could do all that and yet he never spent even a single day in jail."

His voice fell a little quieter and haunted, his fingers tightening on his necklace as he looked down at his lap. "All because Lou beat him in a fight. Is that justice? Destroying someone because they punched you once more than you them? Making their last moments alive be filled with terror, and the knowledge that the only person they cared about was watching them die? How... How can it be that someone like that is left free, to do it again and again, with no consequences?"

Ryan stared at Boyd, a horrified look on his face. "Oh God..." His voice had a tremor in it and he seemed to really, genuinely be upset over this. "I had no idea... I'm so sorry for bringing this up." He shook his head and raked his hands through his hair in an almost nervous gesture. "It's so wrong. It's just so fucked up. It looked like the cops around that time kind of had ties with The Outlaws so maybe that's why they couldn't find 'evidence'," Ryan offered softly. "But... I'm assuming, I mean, I don't know for sure, but Sin, the way he looked that night... I should think he avenged your friend and you."

Boyd stared at his lap for a long moment of silence before he nodded. He slowly pulled the necklace from beneath his shirt, then dropped his hands into his lap and looked back up at Ryan, a little shaken. "I came home from a mission," he said softly, "and Sin was in my house. ...I don't know how he knew where I lived, how he even got out of the compound. He was covered in blood, and..." He trailed off briefly, his voice haunted again. "He was very upset. I had no idea what was happening until the end, when he threw me something only Jared would have. Something he took from Lou and that he kept for some reason, maybe because he couldn't find somewhere to pawn it."

His fingers touched the necklace briefly. "It was around there you asked... what happened between us. I was... upset. I had not thought about Lou in a long time and I suppose I was pathetic for awhile. Even now, I am. But," and he looked up at Ryan, looking slightly confused behind his troubled disquiet, "I am calmer than I would have expected right now. Maybe it's because I'm not alone." The last was said mostly to himself.

Ryan hesitated for a moment before placing his hand gently on Boyd's shoulder. "I'm really sorry that happened to you, Boyd. No one should have to see someone they love be killed..." His voice trailed off once again and he looked away, eyes depressed and pained. "I'm happy that Sin did that. I'm happy that he killed that fucker." He shook his head. "I don't understand though." He looked at Boyd again. "Why was he such an ass today then if he'd do that for you? If he'd come on to you? Is he jealous?"

Boyd shook his head, though he did not lean away or tense at Ryan's touch. "I have no idea." He paused then sighed. "No, I do. I just don't know what any of it means." Another pause as he gathered his thoughts and then he watched Ryan as he spoke. He was a little calmer now that he was not thinking about Lou, but he still seemed somber, confused, disquiet. "On the mission, it became apparent that Thierry responded best to flattery and flirtation. General Carhart was quite clear that we were not to alienate him, that this was incredibly important, so I... I suppose I played along. Sin was... quiet and withdrawn for most of it. He seemed angry sometimes, but... Well, honestly, Thierry took so much of my energy and attention that I didn't pay Sin much heed except to think he was doing well."

Falling quiet for another few seconds, Boyd considered how to continue. "The second night... Sin seemed as though he would be rebellious, so I went alone. Thierry invited me to his home, and of course I would not say no. So..." He shook his head slightly. "Sin pushed me against the wall the second I returned to the room. He was drunk."

His eyes narrowed at the memory and he looked away, blindly searching the piles of paper and miscellany for something safe to rest on. His voice was quieter, but fairly neutral, as if what he was talking about was a step removed from him. "At the time, I didn't know what to think. He wouldn't let me go, just kept asking if I had fun. Eventually..." Another pause, and then Boyd drew a breath. "He told me he hated me; that he wanted to hurt me. I think I did something to him, somewhere in his mind, and... I don't know what it was. And..." Another short pause and he looked down at his lap, his hair half-covering his expressionless face. "I'm sure I confused him. When... he kissed me, I kissed back. When he... Well. It was fine, but then I tried to slow him down and he wouldn't listen. And..." A hand unconsciously came to rest over his stomach, his shoulder slumping forward in a protective gesture. "It's pathetic, truly. The entire situation."

Boyd's fingers curled into his shirt, his voice a little shaky. "But he wouldn't stop and he was starting to hurt me, and... I never take my shirt off and I pleaded with him to stop but he ripped it anyway, and... I pushed him away, and, pathetically again, I was upset, so..." He shifted, crossed his arms over his stomach and would not look up.

He barely even paused, just took a moment to regain his breath and bring his voice back to a neutral, removed tone. "He was angry. He told me that Thierry could have me to himself. We barely spoke, then he said that at the meeting. In the hall, he suggested I 'whored myself for no good reason' and basically told me that I don't know why I do my job, that I just..." Another humorless breath of laugher. "What does he think? I just... I just fuck anyone who I can't negotiate with? He thinks..."

Shaking his head, Boyd drew a deep breath and looked up at Ryan with an expression that had shut down into neutral blankness. "I have concluded," he said calmly, "that he thinks nothing of me. He said he had nothing more to say to me and that I whore myself out for General Carhart and my mother without... being intelligent enough to know why. So, I think he wanted to see how I would respond to his advances that night. I think he thought I was just being a whore, because I'd just come from Thierry's. Maybe he wanted to test me and I failed because... I was stupid enough to respond. Or maybe I just didn't respond right. He said he could not be offended by anything that came out of the mouth of 'people like me.' So I am labeled now, somehow. I think... maybe he was playing with me, and now he's bored. Perhaps... I am simply a boring person, or easily forgotten."

Ryan seemed to absorb all of the information and surprisingly, or maybe not as surprising as it would have been two months ago, he didn't automatically jump at the chance to ask sexual questions about Sin, relating to his crush. Now he just seemed confused and mostly angry on Boyd's behalf. "Wow." He crossed his arms over his chest and gnawed at his lip for a moment. "First of all, the main thing that stands out to me is the fact that you said he was drunk. I noticed he looked sick or hungover but I never in a million years imagined that he would actually drink." He paused and looked at Boyd. "I wish I could help, but honestly all I know about Sin is what other people have documented. I know nothing about what really goes on in his crazy head..."

Ryan frowned again, thinking. "But two things there seem off based on what I know about him. First, he drank and second, I thought for some reason that sex freaked him out."

"I don't know anything," Boyd said softly, bringing one hand up to rub his temples. "He started everything. In the apartment, in that room. He comes at me, then jumps away and then I feel like it's my fault. Drinking... I don't know." He stopped. "Oh," he said, rather startled, then looked up at Ryan guiltily. "No, it was my fault. I destroyed the remote to his collar a couple of months ago. That was stupid too. He attacked me but I didn't want to hurt him so I destroyed it instead of defending myself. But... General Carhart gave me a replacement before the mission. Sin found it and threw it at me when I got back. Maybe he was drinking due to that."

Boyd paused, thinking. "I said cruel things to him. And he was drunk. I smelled like sex, I'm sure." He shook his head, his arms tightening a little on his stomach. "It was my fault. I didn't handle anything on the mission correctly and I should have known to push him away when he was acting strangely. I'm sure he was just drunk and I wasn't responsible enough to deal with him. It must not bother him if he keeps coming at me; or maybe sex does scare him, so he was upset I brought it to his attention?" He thought about that, eyes narrowing. "He said he hated me for doing something to him. Maybe it was that."

"It's possible," Ryan began slowly. "That he had built up trust in you, which is why he'd changed so much in the past few months, because he'd never trusted anyone before and then when he saw the new remote... maybe that trust disappeared? Maybe he felt foolish for trusting you in the first place. I'm sorry to say that, I'm just hypothesizing," He said apologetically.

Ryan sat back on the couch and pulled off his heavy sweater, revealing a bright red Gundam Wing t-shirt beneath. "It's always so hot in here," He complained mildly. "They horde all the heat for me and give none to Sin." He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. "Maybe he meant he hated you for making him believe he can trust you in the first place? Maybe his feelings, I don't know it seems odd saying this because for a long time it seemed like Sin had no feelings, but maybe they were hurt and he didn't know how to react to it and that's why he began to drink? I'm sure alcohol just exacerbated whatever mental condition he has. There must have been a reason why he never drank and why it was always suggested that he stay away from chemically intoxicating substances."

He looked at Boyd again, once again resting one hand on Boyd's shoulder, squeezing it this time. "I don't know Boyd, this is out of my range. I mean, he seems so detached, so cold. For a long time he really did just seem like a killer who felt nothing else. Maybe he'd always only thought about himself that way and it had changed because you showed him you were different from the others and now he thinks you're just like them? As in, you just see him as a way to get assignments done and kill people and when he's not he should be controlled, because that's the most important thing for you; the mission. The sex thing... that is way out of my range, though. I mean, I know he'd been sexually abused when he was small, I don't know what happened with his dad, but in the past there have been quite a few instances where he completely flipped out on someone for kissing or touching him. But although... in those times now that I think about it, he wasn't in his right mind I don't think."

Boyd was quiet a moment, thinking, his expression perfectly blank. So it was a matter of trust, which Boyd betrayed. In Sin's mind, maybe in Ryan's as well, it was all Boyd's fault for the mistakes he made. That was fair enough reasoning. Maybe Sin had been purposefully trying to hurt him, he didn't know, but it was certain that other than the alcohol Sin had been in his right mind when he'd pushed Boyd to the floor.

Shaking his head slightly, Boyd stood. "I should go," he said calmly, then tilted his head in acknowledgment to Ryan. "Thank you for having me here and for your insight. Good luck with the cookies."

"Aww, don't go!" Ryan grabbed his arm, trying to prevent him from getting away. "I know you're upset and I'm sorry if I made it worse, but just stay for awhile. I'll make dinner and everything!"

Boyd blinked, looking down at Ryan in slight bewilderment. He assumed Ryan would want to be rid of him; it seemed to him that Ryan felt the recent issues were Boyd's fault and as he really liked Sin, he may have inwardly wanted Boyd to leave. "I don't know..."

"Please!" Ryan did his best puppy dog face and stuck his lower lip out. "I'm sorry if I made you mad. I wasn't trying to make it seem like it's your fault or anything. I was just trying to figure out what he could be thinking! He was a total ass today, I don't even care what his reasoning was to be honest." Ryan stood up and pawed at Boyd's arm. "We can make cookies and everything. And play video games!"

Boyd stared at Ryan for a long moment. Truthfully, he didn't want to stay. He didn't want to be around anyone, he just wanted to go curl up on his bed and pretend to sleep. But the more he thought about it, the more he knew that his house would just seem oppressive and his mind would jump to so many images he didn't want if he tried to close his eyes. Ryan's apartment was warm and filled with so many stacks of paper that they were surrounded. He should have felt caged since he was used to wide, empty areas at his house but instead he felt protected. After a bit he finally inclined his head. "Alright," he said. "But I don't know how to make cookies."

"It's really easy," Ryan said enthusiastically as he began tugging at Boyd's shirt sleeve. "And fun since you get to eat the batter as you make them. It will be great." He stopped tugging at Boyd's shirt and headed towards the kitchen area, turning on lights along the way. "Do you want to drop the Sin and Thierry subject or can I ask questions? Totally understandable if you don't want to talk about it anymore."

Shaking his head once, Boyd obediently followed Ryan, stopping on the other side of the counter. Despite saying more in the last few minutes than he had in a long time, especially about things that were personal and upsetting, he was already feeling the effects of his self-control. Getting the thoughts into the air and receiving Ryan's feedback gave him something to focus on other than the emotional aspect. It let him think a little more logically, but he knew it would come back to him later, when he was alone. He would probably obsess about what Ryan said, what Sin's opinion may be, what others may think about him, even what his own feelings were.

But for now, in the warmth and light, with Ryan there as a constant distraction, he was involved enough with the environment that he would not focus so extremely inward. So, when he spoke again it was with little inflection, but he also sounded as calm as he was starting to feel. "I don't care."

"Well..." Ryan busied himself getting out ingredients for a moment, for what looked like preparations for huge sandwiches. "Wait--Do you like turkey, ham and cheese? I don't have real food here actually to cook, I forgot I haven't sent out my supply card yet."

"It's fine." Boyd watched him for a moment. "Do you want help?"

"Nooo, I want to make you food! You just sit there and be pretty," Ryan joked with a big grin. He held up a can of spicy brown mustard and mayonnaise for Boyd to choose from. "So what was Thierry like? I've seen pictures and he's smoking hot."

Boyd pointed idly to the mustard and if he weren't so calm and slightly removed, he would have been amused by Ryan's comment about him being pretty. He found himself relaxing around Ryan, as seemed to be the case since he'd gotten to know him better. Something about Ryan was non-threatening and enthusiastic, and Boyd found it to be refreshing. He leaned against the counter and felt a tiny bit of the coldness of his demeanor slip away. "He's attractive enough," Boyd allowed, "but he does nothing but flirt and flatter. He is incredibly preoccupied with the concept of romance."

"Well he is French," Ryan said mildly as he slathered mustard on the bread. "No offense," He added with a laugh. "France seems like such a dreamy, romantic place. I always wanted to go." His voice was a little wistful as he said it. "And come on, the flirting and flattering must have been a little nice. I can't remember the last time anyone flirted with or flattered me. Especially by someone like that."

"Paris is beautiful in some places and a mess in others," Boyd said with a shrug, not trying to ruin Ryan's imagination, just being honest. "As for flattery, I don't like it. Many times it is nothing but manipulation. I would prefer the truth, even if it were cruel, to something flowery and insubstantial." He paused. "Despite that, I suppose Thierry was charming enough and he was not a cruel person. He was self-absorbed, but I believe there was some sincerity to him. He is also intelligent and when he falls out of his whimsical state he has the occasional interesting point to make. So I can't say I dislike him; I'm just not certain I particularly like him, either."

"Well obviously he likes you," Ryan replied as he slapped generous amounts of lunch meat on the bread. "And maybe it wasn't insincere, you know? I mean you are pretty gorgeous. Maybe he just really liked you because you're so smart and cute."

Boyd blinked and looked at Ryan a little oddly. "I am none of those things," he said, bemused.

"Bah, whatever. You have like, a fan club dude. All of these rookie girls are in love with you."

Looking a little confused, Boyd shook his head. "I don't remember any rookie girls. Why would they notice me even if they existed? You must be confusing me with someone else."

Ryan laughed and pushed a plate towards Boyd, chomping into his own sandwich. "Are you kidding me? Dude, everyone knows who you are. Why do you think everyone is all up in your business all the time? Think about it--" He got up from his stool and went over to the fridge, getting out a jar of pickles and a couple of sodas. "I wish they still made good potato chips. All of the good companies went out of business during the war."

He set the jar and sodas on the counter. "Anyway, think about it. Your mom is Vivienne Beaulieu, pretty much one of the top dogs here with Connors and Carhart. Everyone is afraid of her because, well, she's intimidating and scarily beautiful. So that makes you stand out right there and in addition to that, you're partnered with Hsin who is not only a famous 'serial killer' on the outside world, but is also a famous scary, bad ass assassin who everyone thinks will one day murder us all on the inside." He took another large bite of his sandwich and fished a pickle out of the jar. "So you have the fangirls/boys who think you're a hottie and dream about you and then you have your faghags who want to see you and Hsin together one day. I'm still trying to figure out which group I fit into," Ryan finished with a wink.

Boyd stared at him. "Ah," he said, lost for words. "Well..." He shook his head, pulling the plate toward him as something to do. "I hadn't ever thought about it... But even with my mother and Sin, it only means I stand out due to them. On my own, I am wholly unremarkable. That is all I am arguing." He paused, finding himself strangely curious what Ryan would even dream about him were he serious.

"If that were the case people would have lost interest in you months ago but no, they still accost me in the mess hall and in the lounge and ask me questions about you. It kind of reminds me of how I can be with you about Hsin," Ryan said dryly. "But yea, it's definitely you. You have that whole brooding, silently beautiful thing going on and the girls and gays love it. Seriously." He chewed thoughtfully for a moment, nodding to himself. "I kind of get jealous sometimes because no one ever sees me as anything other than the Agency Brat or whatever, but I don't mind since I'm equally in love with both you and Hsin." He said it so casually that it was hard to tell if he was using the term loosely or if he really meant it.

Staring at Ryan again, Boyd was caught off-guard. His heart sped up a little and he looked back down at the sandwich. He felt flustered and almost sad, though he didn't know why at first. "Ryan, you..." he said after a moment, softly and at a loss for words. "You're so kind. Even if I feel terrible, you know what to say and I've never felt like you were using me. Why..."

He looked up, an unreadable emotion making his eyes seem strangely more sincere. "I'm nothing interesting. If what you say is true, it would only be because society's reaction to the unknown is to covet or fear it. I am gone much of the time, and when I appear I do not like to speak to anyone, so I could see if that happened. You, however, are truly nice to me, and I don't know why you continue to stay around someone like me, but thank you anyway. If anyone were to approach you to talk only about me, they would be fools."

Ryan smiled at Boyd and reached over to squeeze his arm. "I don't think you give yourself enough credit, Boyd. All of these people are interested in you for one reason or another, they can't be all insane or something you know? And besides, I don't like you because you're mysterious and stuff. I like you because you're smart and cool and neat. I just want you to be happy. I want you and Hsin to be happy." He ate another pickle quietly for a moment. "I don't know, people are just not interested in me in that way. I'm just boring, I guess. I'm not a cool field agent who goes undercover even though I tried to be. I can't fight, bah. I'm just the nerdy computer kid with a breathing condition."

"You're not boring," Boyd said firmly. "My attention is not easily caught, so you could not be unremarkable. And I like you, which is another feat that is not easily accomplished." He paused and tilted his head quizzically. "Somehow I didn't realize you tried to be an agent, or that you have a condition."

"It's old news," Ryan said blandly, looking a little embarrassed. "I tried to get a field position three times before giving up. The first time they said no flat out because of my condition, the second time they actually began training but I kept sucking so they gave up and the third time, I collapsed during training and had to be hospitalized. I'm a big, crappy, lousy fighter."

Boyd's eyebrows furrowed down in thought. "I doubt it has anything to do with your skill as a fighter and everything to do with your condition. What is it, exactly? What triggers it? Did they account for it in your training, or did they just try to train you like everyone else?"

"They trained me like everyone else since, I guess, when I'm in the field no one will care about my medical issues." Ryan shrugged, reddening a bit. "It's embarrassing... I don't even really know what it is. No one really knows what it is. It's some funky side effect from radiation from the bombs; it's actually what killed my parents. It's pretty much..." He paused, thinking for a moment. "Well I guess it just eventually leads to a long, lingering, miserable death like it did for them but mine isn't as bad yet. The symptoms are weird, like, I guess it seems like a really bad case of asthma maybe? Or lung cancer? I don't know, no one knows and they can't treat it. I get winded really badly, sometimes I can barely breathe and I began to choke and turn blue, um, I can have these crazy fits sometimes where I'm really weak and bedridden although that hasn't happened in awhile. I have a really low body weight, which is another reason why they wouldn't take me, my BMI was too low. I don't know how to explain, really. It seems like it's gotten better though."

"Hmm." Boyd considered this, his eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "An inherent illness is nothing to be ashamed of. But they were idiots to train you the same way as everyone else. If you take what would be your weakness and make it your strength, then it would not matter. For myself, I am not particularly advanced at anything and never mastered even a single weapon. Due to that, I just improvise constantly and rely on my ability to think in chaotic situations. If I tried to be like Sin I would be killed instantly, yet they train as if they wish all their agents to become someone like him. They want us deadly and strong, completely impervious. That's ridiculous, though." He shook his head and finally picked up his sandwich. "Sometime, please allow me to spar with you. Perhaps I could train you instead. I don't suggest the life of a field agent as anything particularly glamorous, but at least you could learn to work with your body rather than against it." He took a bite of the sandwich.

A huge smile spread across Ryan's face and he bounced up and down excitedly. "Really? You'd do that? For me?"

Boyd swallowed his bite of sandwich and could not help smiling back at Ryan. "Of course I would. There are many things I would do for you. This sandwich is very good by the way, thank you."

Ryan's eyes grew round and he blushed furiously. "Why? I'm lame and annoying. Everyone thinks so!"

"Well," Boyd said dryly, "that can hardly be the case, as I would like to think I constitute part of 'everyone' and I definitely do not find you lame or annoying."

"It's true though, I think people are just nice to me because they think they'll get in trouble with Connors or something if they aren't."

Boyd took a moment to eat more of his sandwich before he replied. "What does Connors have to do with anything?"

Ryan shrugged, picking at his bread. "Oh, it's stupid really. And boring. I wish I had some exciting history but I don't." He pulled a pepper out of his sandwich and ate it. "My parents worked here, my dad was a scientist and my mom was an analyst. So you see where you get my nerdiness from," He snorted. "Anyway, they got really sick after the bombings and eventually died when I was only eight. For some reason Connors kept me around as his ward and let me live on the compound with his daughters, so I pretty much grew up here. I mean, he isn't particularly great to me or anything. He isn't like some father figure. He just let me stick around, but everyone makes these stupid jokes all the time like I'm his adopted son or something."

"There's nothing boring or stupid in that," Boyd said, shaking his head. "How many people grew up with parents in such a position, or in such a facility? You must know the system and agency quite well. Although I understand what you mean about harassment regarding Connors. Truthfully, many of the people here know my mother better than I, yet I still am linked to her irrevocably in their minds."

"It kind of sucks, doesn't it? It's so annoying when people make these stupid assumptions, especially when it catches and everyone starts doing it." Ryan shook his head and finished the first half of his sandwich quietly. "You know, I used to see your mom around but I've never actually... spoken to her. She didn't seem to like children very much," He said almost apologetically. "I used to be around a lot of people before they were actually important. Lots of the original heads of the agency died during the war due to fighting or radiation poisoning and then everyone else kind of took over. Like, I remember when Carhart was a field agent and I got to call him Zachary. And I remember Hsin's dad always being a weirdo."

"You met Sin's father?" Boyd asked, leaning forward. "That's interesting. What was it like at that time? What was he like? As far as I understand it, he sounds quite opposite of Sin, aside from the brash stupidity."

"Ohhhh he was such a character," Ryan said with an amused chortle. "He was like... He was like the Mexican James Bond, man. He looked just like Hsin, I'm talking carbon copy except less cold and hateful looking, and he had this personality that just sucked people in. I mean, he was obviously this bad ass killer guy but he was just so... funny and charming. And he drove Connors craaazy. He was so vulgar and disrespectful-- always going off on rants in Spanish for no reason at all. I remember, when I was... gosh, I don't know. I must have been seven when I first met him, I think. Yeah, because my parents died a year after the first wave of bombs and that was in 2001..." he trailed off, getting hung up on the specifics.

"Well anyway, when I first met him one of the twins had smuggled him into the penthouse. It was hysterical. They used to fight like animals over him, like right in front of him and he'd just watch and laugh. He had this awesome laugh too-- it was totally infectious. Eventually though, he'd start ignoring them and play video games with me. Sometimes he seemed like a big kid in that regard but if he got pissed... well that was a different story. I guess in that way Hsin takes after him although Emilio never lost complete control of himself the way Hsin does. In fact, although Emilio seemed undisciplined to some, even at that young age I could tell that everything he did, said and every expression he showed on his face was not a fluke or an accident. He was so fucking intelligent and I think in a way, very manipulative when it came to people. He got what he wanted when he wanted it and very few people ever told him no. I remember being very impressed by him--thinking he was, I don't know, some modern day superhero or something. This completely impervious... just awesome guy. It's weird, he never ever mentioned once that he had a son of his own..." Ryan trailed off with a frown. "I liked him back then but when I first saw Hsin, I don't know, I kind of lost respect for him."

Boyd was fascinated by the idea of Emilio, perhaps of what Sin could have become. There was something tragic there; between the idea of such a charismatic man being lost and the fact that Sin said the insanity got worse after that. For some reason, Boyd suddenly wondered if Sin had ever told anyone else about that. If anyone else bothered to sit there gently cleaning the blood from his hands, or ever thought to protect him from something like the collar. Was his father like that before he died? But Carhart and Ryan both seemed to have their reservations about Emilio, both seemed to think something darker happened. "Why did you lose respect? What do you think Emilio did?"

"I don't know..." Ryan thought for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts. "The first time I ever saw Hsin, was when he first came into the agency. For some reason Connors at first saw him as someone who could behave like a normal child and enjoy the company of those around his age. I was eleven at the time, I think." Ryan shook his head. "It was so obvious that he was nothing like a normal child. He just sat there and stared at us blankly. He looked... I don't know. He looked frightening. I was scared of him; scared that he would hurt me. He did not like being there with us and he quickly left, as if he couldn't stand to be around real children and teenagers; Connor's daughters were nineteen at the time I think. That was the first time I met him and I never actually spoke to him before he came to that first briefing."

He took a bite of the other half of his sandwich, shaking his head. "Connor's daughter Lydia was also very frightened of Hsin. Apparently she'd met him very briefly one day when she'd sought out Emilio in one of his hide outs during that year when he was on constant assignment. She said that she'd kissed Hsin as a joke and that he'd viciously attacked her. When he wouldn't stop, his father viciously attacked him but Hsin didn't seem phased at all. I mean-- I'm not saying I know for sure what happened, but... I'm pretty sure Hsin wasn't born that way. He says his father trained him, but imagine the kind of training that could turn a fourteen year old into a cold blooded killer, who is that fluid at it and who can be viciously beaten without showing any sign of feeling pain."

Boyd looked away, his gaze distant. He remembered the time Sin sat there in the car next to him, calm and pale with only the clamminess of his skin hinting that he had been shot. "I don't think I want to," he said after a long moment. He glanced back down at his sandwich, then up at Ryan as he brought himself out of his reverie. "Sin attacked her after she kissed him? That must be one reason you said he doesn't appreciate sexual advances."

"Yeah, that's the only thing I could think of. She said that she was teasing him because he was so quiet and serious and she kissed him and he just went nuts and pinned her to the floor and told her not to touch him. Then he broke her nose, although she said she thought that was more to spite his father. And that was when he was twelve or thirteen I think..." Ryan chewed for a moment, finishing his sandwich. "You know, I'm not supposed to tell you this... They tried to cover it up after it happened, that's why they tried to bury the surveillance video." He paused and looked around, seemingly almost paranoid, as though there were possibly cameras in his apartment as well. "Lydia Connors was the psychiatrist that Hsin mutilated."

Boyd blinked and stared at Ryan. The story of what happened to Lydia was a little too parallel for Boyd to feel totally comfortable. Although the two times they were that close Boyd was not the one who had initiated the contact, Sin had also reacted by pinning Boyd to the floor, or acting as though it was Boyd's fault. Sin didn't break Boyd's nose, but how could he be certain that some part of him would not have lashed out if anything continued?

He felt a little cold at the idea. Did he narrowly escape something like Lydia went through, or was it different when Sin started it? Even though in the apartment he pulled away and looked at Boyd as if it were his fault. Did Sin forget what he was doing in those times and would he attack whoever he was around when he came back to himself, just the way Sin had attacked Boyd before without seeming to realize who he was? How did he know that there was not a point when Sin just snapped due to anything intimate at all, whether he initiated it or not? Boyd had already been the recipient of some of the insanity that turned Sin ruthless and unthinking, but it was possible there was another level to it he had never experienced.

"What exactly did he do to her?" Boyd asked finally, completely forgetting the rest of his sandwich on his plate. He wasn't sure how hungry he was anymore. "I have only heard vague references..."

"Well, I'm not supposed to know this. I only do because I dug up the surveillance video after hours of trying to find it. I am friends with Lydia and grew up with her and her twin, but at the same time I didn't want to believe Hsin would cold bloodedly do that to someone." Ryan brushed the crumbs off of his hands quietly. "Ever since that day when Connors first introduced him to us... I always gave him the benefit of the doubt."

"Anyway, Lydia and her sister Ann were both totally in love with Emilio, but Lydia was practically obsessed with him. She'd track him down a lot, which is how she found him that one time. But anyway, as Hsin grew older he began to look exactly like his father, but even more attractive and eventually despite the fact that Hsin was nothing like him, she began to grow obsessed with him too. She'd studied psychology and was at first a doctor for the regular field agents, but she convinced her father to let her work with Hsin after he got out of the fourth."

Ryan shook his head, a frown playing on his lips. "I always knew Lydia was a whore, I mean she screwed practically every agent here, but I was surprised at the crap she pulled with Hsin. She'd talk to him and he would never respond seriously, so she took to giving him drugs that fucked him up and got him all high and stupid. She got him to talk about his parents a lot, but it was strange... he started talking in Chinese and Spanish and it was really confusing, but you could see obviously that he was really freaking out from whatever she'd given him. He was twitching and shaking and wide eyed, almost scared looking even though I don't know what he was talking about. Anyway, I don't know what made her do it but I guess she tried to 'calm him down' so she went over there and began kissing him and touching him and just being downright disgraceful, considering the state he was in at the time."

Ryan glanced at Boyd. "He completely lost it. He just mauled her. It didn't even seem like he was Hsin anymore, he was just some... beast. His eyes were crazy, like how they looked in those other videos and he was just... vicious. He bit part of her lip off, bashed her face in and cut her up pretty bad, mutilating her body completely. It all happened surprisingly fast so it was already too late when the guards burst in the room and dragged him away. She's been in a semi catatonic state ever since."

Boyd knew he should probably feel bad for Lydia but he didn't really. Instead, he vaguely thought that she deserved it if she was trying to take advantage of him. It was just one more instance of someone thinking they could do whatever they wanted to Sin because they saw him as inhuman. It was no wonder he knew nothing but to overpower others and try to hurt them, even if Boyd was still not alright with the fact that Sin held him down and would not stop. He almost wanted to go see Lydia, just to see firsthand a perfect example of how cruelty to others could bring cruelty to oneself.

That made Boyd stop and think, though. Didn't Sin say Connors contacted him for assassinations and that he was angry when Sin was late? And Lydia was his daughter, yet he still dealt with Sin... Maybe that was what Carhart meant when he said he convinced Connors to let Sin out of the box, as long as there was the collar. Maybe Connors would only allow it if he could see something directly symbolic that labeled Sin as an animal, a pet, a dog. Or maybe he just thought he had to be easily controlled and the collar just happened to be the format. He tilted his head, and decided just to ask. "How does Connors work with Sin after all that?"

Ryan shrugged. "I wonder that myself. Connors is a cold man, he never cared much for Lydia or Ann, really as much more than ridiculous females who could not represent his family well. I think he blamed Lydia for being so stupid as to put herself in that situation, honestly. I thought he was going to leave Hsin in the box forever though, but eventually I guess he found further use for him. And since this agency is the most important thing to Connors, even more important than his family, he let him out and sometimes he even works closely with him. He's a strange, cruel man but... yeah. I mean, he demanded the collar be used and the box, and he finds his own ways to torture Hsin... But if someone had done that to my child, I wouldn't be able to face them ever again and sometimes it seems as though he doesn't even care that it happened!"

Ryan looked upset at the idea, and as if to busy himself he began collecting the plates and putting away the items he'd used to make the sandwiches. "One way he did get back at Hsin though, right after it happened... he had him restrained and ordered him to be 'punished,' although he didn't watch. The guy who did it fucked Hsin up really bad, he would have castrated him too if Carhart hadn't run up there and stopped him when he realized what was going on."

The scar Boyd saw when Sin was walking around naked, the vicious one that arced down his pelvis. That must have been what it was from. "Connors sounds like my mother," he said, shaking his head a little. "Who did that to Sin? The man who was ordered to punish him?"

Ryan wrinkled his nose. "That sicko? I love how they label Hsin a monster and all, but they have someone like that employed whose purpose is to torture people. His name is Shane, I don't know his last name. I've only met him once although I know he lives on the compound somewhere. He's the one who... handles unruly prisoners and captives who won't talk, or so I hear."

Boyd's eyes narrowed slightly at the thought. "It is all a matter of degree and usability. Sin is only a monster to them because they don't feel they can fully control him, or perhaps because his eyes seem crazed when he is violent. A person who enjoys his job or is in it by choice, regardless of the depths of his evil, would then naturally not be a monster because he falls into a category people can understand. They know why he does it, for money or enjoyment, whereas Sin is too unpredictable and they must force him into everything. It is understandable that fear should exist for when Sin is like that, but perhaps more should that fear be aimed at someone fully in his right mind when he commits as atrocious of acts."

Ryan nodded and was quiet for a moment as he cleaned up the kitchen. "Have you ever... been afraid of Hsin?"

Looking down at the counter, Boyd was silent at first. "Twice," he said softly, after a moment. "Though not when I should have. It was never when he was trying to kill me, but rather once when he was gentle, and then on the mission when he... held me to the floor and would not stop when I wanted him to." He shook his head to himself. "He doesn't frighten me when he goes insane, though. I must be defective. Even when he was choking me to death, I was more concerned with showing him I would not hurt him than was I afraid of the insanity in his eyes."

Ryan froze and stared at him for a moment. "Choking you? Excuse me, what?"

Boyd blinked and spoke casually. "Did I not tell you about that? During one mission, Sin appeared to be having a nightmare. He was speaking in Chinese and Spanish, I would assume, and seemed very upset. I tried to wake him verbally, but when it did not work I was foolish enough to touch him." Boyd shrugged one shoulder unconcernedly.

"He threw me around the room and was about to snap my neck when I called his name and held the remote up. Even then, he only stood back and stared at me as though he was not fully aware or in control. I tried to break the remote to show him I would not hurt him, since words were not getting through, but that resulted in him choking me. Perhaps he thought I was trying to use the remote on him; again, I suppose it was foolish of me to do that when he was so unstable." Boyd paused, thinking about it. "I was only just able to tell him I broke the remote. Truthfully, if even another half minute passed, I think he would have killed me. Instead, he disappeared soon after releasing me when he realized what I did. It was following that mission when he first appeared at the debriefings."

Ryan stared at him in surprise. "Wow. That is..." He shook his head. "Was that the same mission where he helped for the first time?"

Nodding, Boyd pushed away from the counter and slid his hands into his pockets casually. "Yes. Although, then, I'm not certain what exactly happened. I was about to be killed and suddenly the gun was gone from my eye." He looked a little distant as he tried to remember specifics. "I blacked out repeatedly, so I only remember flashes; once or twice I thought I saw Sin but then he was gone and it seemed I must have imagined him. Later, I awoke in the cabin with Andrews tied up and Sin staring at me silently."

Ryan nodded, arms crossed over his thin chest as he leaned against the counter. "You must have made a really big impression on him when you broke that remote, which is probably why he reacted so fucked up when he thought you had requested a new one."

Looking down at the counter, Boyd tried to think more clearly about the events that night. He was silent a moment, then spoke somberly. "It was the remote. I... was angry with him, so I said cruel things. I told him he should just kill me and go back to his box if it was so hard to be around me, that we both knew he could do it. He threw the remote at me, and when I saw it, I felt terrible. I never intend to use that on him, ever. I took it because Carhart gave it to me, because he did not order I bring it with but he may as well have."

Boyd was quiet a moment then shook his head. "Truthfully, the first time I saw it, I would have used it on Sin. When we were training, I would have because I did not care about anything. But after I saw how he was treated, I did not want to be the same as everyone else. I know what it is like to feel beneath someone else's respect and I do not wish that on another." He was quiet a moment. "Now that I think of it, that was when he told me he hated me for 'doing this' to him." He looked back up at Ryan. "I think you're right. He lost trust in me there; that must have been the point. Except..." His eyebrows furrowed down, and he looked away, a little confused. "It was after that point when he kissed me."

Ryan studied Boyd, seeming as though he were trying to choose his words carefully. "What was... that like?"

Returning his gaze to Ryan, he seemed very vaguely amused. "What, Sin kissing me?" He thought about it a moment then leaned against the counter, his voice a little softer. "It's not as though I have a lot of experience dealing with people on an intimate level; I have only Lou and Thierry to compare Sin to. Lou was always very... enthusiastic, and Thierry was... gentle, like he thought I would break. Sin was... sloppy, almost desperate." His eyes went a little out of focus. "But he's intense, and it was as if all the energy he spends on sarcasm and cruelty to others shifted and refocused on me. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean it as if... At that moment, I was the only thing in his world. He was not perfectly controlled, perfectly in his mind, but it was not insanity that made it so."

He shook his head, tilted his face toward the counter so his hair mostly covered the small, humorless smirk that pulled at one side of his lips. "It's stupid, but it almost made me feel special. Beneath my own..." He sighed and rubbed at his forehead, his tone twisting as if he felt a little imbecilic. "Beneath my own ridiculous infatuation with him, the fact that... I will admit... I would have willingly slept with him.... Aside from that, I felt somehow... unique. As stupid as that is."

A look of sheer surprise came over Ryan's face as he gazed at Boyd in wonder. "Before you seemed so-- like you thought it odd that I found him so attractive. What changed? Are you really-- do you really have feelings for him?" His tone was curious, but also seemed somewhat excited, like he was talking about the idea of two divorced parents getting back together in some dysfunctional way.

Boyd tilted his head and looked at Ryan with an unreadable expression, though the slight humorless smile remained. "I don't know anything for certain; I can't even say when it changed. I had never thought of him like that before we spoke that time, but by the last mission, I realized there was something there." He studied Ryan almost sadly, though the emotion seemed to be on Ryan's behalf rather than his own.

"It does not matter what I think, though. Sin has made it abundantly clear that he has no respect for me, that he is in fact utterly disgusted with me. And for all that I may have felt for him, he still betrayed my own trust by trying to force himself on me when I told him to stop. I can't trust him not to hurt me, I can't even trust him not to kill me. Maybe he hates me for bringing the remote with me, I can't say. He would have the right if that were so. But if every time he touches me I end up nearly killed, attacked, thrown around, or I get caught up in some intimate situation that results in his pushing me away again or being incapable of stopping..." He shook his head and looked to the counter, his voice becoming quieter. "It doesn't work. I don't know why I thought any of this mattered, but it doesn't. I was safer when I stayed at my house and felt nothing. He is, likewise, better without having to feel betrayed by me. He is betrayed by enough people already without needing me to add to the list."

"But, there's something there though, for both of you. You can't just ignore it!" Ryan exclaimed, leaning forward. "I mean, it would be safer if neither of you had met, you think, but can you honestly say it was healthier for either of you before to be so closed off from the world? I'm still in awe that he actually brought himself to trust anyone, let alone have his feelings hurt by a misunderstanding. I mean, both of you changed a lot and it was good for awhile." He shook his head, clasping one of Boyd's hands between his. "Honestly, I don't know why he does what he does or what he feels, he's probably the most complicated person in the world as far as that. I don't know why he kissed you or why he wouldn't stop when you got scared, I don't know anything but... you don't think it's at all possible that he just wanted you and he got caught up in the frustration and confusion of actually feeling things for a change and it just all bubbled over and made him lose control?"

Boyd watched Ryan for a long moment, honestly considering what he said and weighing it against everything he knew about Sin. He thought about all the times they interacted, the way Sin smiled, his voice on the phone asking him for candy, asking him what he was doing, the wild confusion in his eyes when Boyd lay on the ground struggling to breathe after Sin nearly killed him in the cabin. He thought of Sin's innocent expression when they were shopping and he dropped the clothes on the floor, the vulnerability when he sat covered in blood in his kitchen, and his eyes shining brightly and red-rimmed in the darkness. The image of his back, appearing protectively in front of him as Boyd started to black out, the comfortable silence as they sat in the car with for hours. The tattoo, Milton, Shakespeare. Paradise Lost. And now, the coldness that had returned when he looked at Boyd, like an insect beneath his feet. The utter disdain with which he regarded him.

It was difficult to reconcile everything he knew of Sin. It was possible Sin had been messing with him for a long time -- the ability to put on an act that Boyd recognized immediately when they met and Sin stopped, could actually have just morphed into another act that Boyd was fooled by. At which point, the disdain Sin was showing now could be what he truly felt. Or, it was possible that Milton and all that was sincere, and the disdain was an act. Or maybe there was no act at all; maybe it was all sincere. That was what Boyd thought was probably the case, but it didn't make him feel much better. That would mean there was a point when Sin did think he was worth something but had since completely changed his mind. It wasn't exactly a comforting thought.

Finally, Boyd reached over and gently pried Ryan's fingers from his hand. "I have lived in the past long enough," he said, some of the emotions starting to fall away again. He looked at him almost somberly, but there was no doubt he was serious. "Whatever may have been there is gone now; look in Sin's eyes even once when he is looking at me, and you will see it. It's better that way. I will die on the missions, probably slaughtered without care and tossed to the ground like garbage. There's no point in encouraging any connections when they have already proven to be easily broken, or when it could endanger others more. I don't know what he truly thinks, but wouldn't it be worse if he did care? If the simple act of sleeping with someone for a mission is enough to result in this, can you imagine what would happen in other scenarios? And when I die, what then?"

He shook his head and took a step back. "I appreciate that you've taken the time to talk to me, and that you are kind to me, that you honestly seem to care. But... You have to understand. When I am killed, it is fine. I want my existence to be utterly meaningless, and for everyone to move on with their lives. I want to be forgotten so completely that it is as if I never lived. It's bad enough I'm encouraging any connection with you, but I can't deny that it's good to have someone to talk to. But if I tried to resurrect... whatever was happening with Sin, if it ever even existed, I would just be acting childish and cruel toward him. Human lives are transient; you can't rely on anyone to be around forever. It's a terrible thing to lose someone close to you, so... maybe it's just better not to have anyone like that in the first place. It's stupid to try to even be friends with my partner, anyway. It just adds confusion and... we're going to die someday. Given my tendency to be injured each time, I'll probably be the first one to die on a mission. At that point it's better if he doesn't care and just runs past, and the same goes for me running past him."

The response was surprising; suddenly Ryan's eyes were wide, disturbed and his skinny arms were wrapping around Boyd's torso in a tight hug. "Please don't say that," He pleaded, voice heavy with sadness. "Please don't be like that, please don't go back to being empty and dead inside."

Boyd tensed; no one had hugged him in years, not since Lou was alive. It was alien and a little unnerving in its kindness. He brought his arms up slowly, and ran one comforting hand down Ryan's back, tilting his head down again to look at the floor. Ryan was small and skinny, but there was strength in his arms that Boyd would not have expected. "It doesn't matter," he said after a moment of letting Ryan hold him. His hand stopped at Ryan's shoulder and he gently pushed him back, looking at him with an expression that was almost gentle even if it was remote. "I want to teach you how to spar; I hope you'll let me do that still. But I just don't think you should worry about me. I'm not worth it."

Ryan nodded although his face was still drawn. "Don't make me stop being your friend. Okay?"

Boyd made a soft sound, almost a bit of amusement, and he pushed Ryan fully away. "How old are you, Ryan?" he asked, though it was almost teasing. "You have to be older than me but you're acting like a kid. We will still be friends, I just... can't be responsible for hurting you."

"I am twenty-five," Ryan replied with an embarrassed shrug. "Although I act like I'm about twelve. Don't blame me, I haven't been off the compound in years. I don't do anything but get sick and look up info on computers." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "So... are you really going to help me train?"

"Of course I am." Boyd stepped back and slid his hands into his pockets as well, tilting his head. "When would you like to start? It could even be tomorrow if you prefer."

Ryan smiled shyly. "That'd be great... just be warned though. I kind of suck."

"If that were true, it would only be from inexperience," Boyd said with a shrug. Ryan smiled and the next few hours passed with Boyd watching Ryan make cookies. He tried to help once but he could not seem to get the rolling pin to work properly and all he succeeded in doing was getting flour all over his dark clothes. Ryan looked a little sad at first in reaction to their conversation, but he made an effort to be in a good mood to cheer Boyd up, even though all he managed to get from him was a slight smile now and then. By the time Boyd left, he had a bag of cookies Ryan insisted he bring and his clothing looked as though he had run through a forest layered in flour; it was streaked across his shirt and powdered inconsistently onto his pants.

Once he got home, the night passed far too slowly considering how exhausted he was. His mind was on overdrive, going over everything that had happened recently.

Why did Sin care so much about the goal of the Agency? For Boyd, he could not care less. He was not there for the Agency; it was simply a medium. If Sin had listened to Boyd's true reason, what would he have said?

Boyd would not hesitate to do anything for the Agency, regardless of whether he knew everything about it. He would throw himself into a fight he knew he would not win, sleep with Thierry for a heavily-encrypted disc, and even kill people while looking in their eyes. He would do anything for the Agency, because it represented the people that were the only thing that reminded him he was alive. It wasn't that he did these things for the Agency, but that if he did not, they could have grounds to release him. If he was told to leave, if he was removed from everything the Agency was and included, then he would lose Sin, Ryan, his mother, even Carhart, David, and everyone else he'd come to know or care about.

Without them, he was lost to the house. The shadows would consume him until his mind was as empty as his heart again; the feeling of being a dead-eyed doll caught in a body that refused to stop ticking. He could not return to that, he could not lose them. He would sacrifice everything of himself for them, he would do whatever it took.

It was probably that the only people he cared about were all connected to the Agency, but he felt that by serving the Agency he was serving all of them at once by contributing to a cause that continued their existence. He was supporting them by supporting something they were connected to. A few moments of discomfort, an embarrassing memory later, even the split second of fear before death - these were all not only excusable, they were also his payment for the right to interact with the people he cared about. The only way he knew how to thank and support them was to offer the only thing he had to give: himself. If he died supporting the Agency, and if with that support Sin, Ryan or even his mother were pleased, then it was alright. He would do it for them with no regrets. He would do it again, and again, regardless of whether it ripped him apart, because they were all he had, and without them he was and had nothing.

Since Lou's death, Boyd had felt that he was just a consciousness caged in meat; even the existence of his own soul was questionable. To him, age was just a measure of rot, and the only reason he still lived was that his body had yet to do him the favor of properly shutting down. He had nothing to connect him to the world of the living except the world of the dead; the memories he denied because he could not handle his own weakness, and the whisper of the past that followed in the wake of every step he took in his house, echoes like rippling water.

What happened to or with his body hardly mattered to him. It was just a thing that was there, just a body that was not wholly his. It existed only because he was too incompetent to destroy it before, only because nothing in the world cared enough about his existence to come end it for him. He was caught in that house like a ghost that could not stray from its murder scene; up and down the hallways stifled by silence, passing moments that remained burned into the walls.

Even if he did not realize at the time how much the silence and emptiness wore on him, it was there in the grinding down of his body, in the slowing pumping of his heart. His mind was gone, it seemed, for years. He could not properly say what happened; he barely remembered any points, and lost months at a time to the memories of a past that abandoned him to the present he could not handle. When he realized he was starting to care again, when he rose through that cottony fog and found there was light and breath above, he did not want to give it up. Even if his emotions rose and fell like the tide he still knew there was something there that could help him breathe again. Even if it was painful, even if it was frightening, even if sometimes it was all he could do to continue forward, he wanted to protect that small flame that flickered within the shadowed confines of his mind. He wanted to support it, encourage it.

The Agency represented that for him, because the Agency was Sin, it was Ryan, it was even his mother. By not betraying the Agency, in effect, it was as if he was not betraying any of them. He could not handle the idea of disappointing anyone, so if he did not disappoint the Agency, then he would not disappoint Sin, Ryan, or his mother. He threw himself into the missions single-mindedly, with every ounce of loyalty he would have shown to the people he cared about if he only properly knew how.

When Sin seemed so disgusted by Boyd's choices with Thierry, and especially when he seemed to be blaming Boyd for everything, saying Boyd didn't know anything about the Agency, when he basically said he whored himself out for nothing....

It hurt.

It wasn't the Agency Boyd did those things for, it wasn't the Agency Boyd would sacrifice his existence for if he could. It was those he cared about there. By trying not to disappoint the idea of the mission, he disappointed Sin instead. By trying to support Sin through the Agency, he only disgusted him. The disconnect was jolting, Sin's disgusted disapproval hurting him far more than anything Jeffrey could possibly think to say. It threw Boyd off and now he didn't know what was happening. Maybe he was too afraid to focus his attention, love, loyalty and trust for the future into a person again. Maybe he was afraid they would be lost, like his father and Lou, so he transferred those thoughts to the organization that connected the people he cared about. An organization would not be murdered in front of him, but it could still support the people he cared for, and through that support he could be supporting them.

But that was not the case.

Now Sin was completely disgusted with him, and Boyd was caught between remembering the feel of Sin's tongue in his mouth and hands on his body, and the sudden shock of cold air on his chest and the heart-thundering knowledge that he could not move. He felt the remote's edge hit his stomach, and saw Sin's eyes shining brightly in the moonlight. He knew he disappointed Sin, but he didn't want that to have happened. He hated disappointing anyone and never wanted to do it again. It would be easier to achieve that goal by avoiding everyone.

Boyd was angry, and afraid, he was uncertain and lost. He was alone in the house, what felt like a mansion of darkness. He was lost to the rooms again, but this time it was willingly; here he was, in that slip in time, the glitch in the fabric of the universe, where the past haunted the present haunted the past became the future, and his emotions were slowly leeched one by one into the atmosphere until they lulled him to sleep.

Continue to Ch 16 ~ Gossip