Chapter Twenty-Three

Interpretation

New 3/17/07

The month passed relatively quickly. Jeffrey sent regular updates to Carhart regarding the status of the deciphering, but it seemed that it would still be several weeks before he knew everything. Either he refused to divulge more than that or Boyd was not allowed to know because that was the extent of his knowledge of the subject for several weeks.

Although Sin and Boyd saw each other a few times, Sin spent most of his time reading the new books Boyd bought him and not much was said between them. Boyd didn't quite know what to make of what had happened since he freed Sin from fourth. It was clear something was changing within him when it came to his partner but he didn't know exactly what it was. He didn't know if he was embarrassed or not that he'd told Sin that he cared about him. It was the truth, but he wasn't accustomed to telling people what he felt. It generally took him so long to even realize he had a particular emotion at all that the idea of sharing it with anyone was a little strange. Then, to make matters worse, Boyd realized he was starting to notice Sin more and it'd all started when he'd sat at Sin's side as he'd recovered, watching him sleep and stroking his hair. The fact that he'd admitted to caring for Sin wasn't that surprising; despite their difficulties they'd come very close to becoming something resembling friends in the past several months, but this new physical attraction was something that was startling to Boyd.

The image of Sin's features slack and almost peaceful as he slept burned into Boyd's mind along with the memory of touching Sin's face, of being pressed against his muscular chest and of seeing those long, dexterous fingers slide in and out from between his lips. All of these things seemed to build up over the days until they'd nearly come to a head the day he'd gone book shopping for Sin. He didn't want to think about Sin sexually because it just became far too confusing when he did; he couldn't forget about the fact that whenever they'd briefly come together in the past, it'd only led to more confusion. Although no incident had ended as disastrously as the time in France, almost every time they came together one of them had pushed the other away. Despite that, it was really France which disturbed him the most. The memory of Sin so out of control, violent and refusing to stop almost disturbed him more than the memory of what nearly happened with Harry because he actually wanted Sin to listen and care when he said no.

At the same time, he didn't really feel like Sin would do that again. Sin had been drunk that night so it was entirely possible that he'd just gotten out of control and as Ryan had said, gotten lost in the moment. It wouldn't necessarily matter except it confused Boyd as to what Sin thought about him; mostly because he was never exactly sure whether or not Sin meant for his actions to be taken the way they usually were. Had he actually wanted those things during those moments or had he just been playing some strange game? Did he even like men? Did he like anybody? Was he asexual and bored or just sexually frustrated and taking it out on the closest person in his vicinity? Boyd didn't know and he didn't know if he ever would.

As much as Boyd wanted to reach out, he felt the situation was a little too convoluted to even consider introducing sex into the equation. Boyd wouldn't have been thinking about it near this much if it were just casual sex with a stranger; he would have just tried to determine if Sin was attracted and then he would have gone for him. But it was Sin, and Boyd had spent months getting to know him, becoming accustomed to him, earning his trust. He saw how easy it was to lose that trust just by sleeping with Thierry for information and he didn't particularly care to push his luck when he truly did just enjoy being around Sin, and did actually care about him as a person.

So Boyd hesitated and he was glad he did. When he'd brought the books over, he found himself pushing Sin just to see how far he could go. He wanted to see his reactions, see what he would do, what he would say. Boyd would be the first to admit that when he was in a good mood and knew someone very well, he could actually be fairly mischievous. He used to tease Lou relentlessly just to see what he'd do.

But he'd almost let it get too far. While Boyd had been telling the truth that the books had half been serious and half jokes, he still hadn't been expecting Sin to react the way he did. The Baby Animals book became endearing when Sin looked so interested in the images and the gay erotica book, which was meant to be teasing more than anything, almost became instigation for... more.

On the kitchen floor, Boyd had almost found it too hard to pull away from Sin and there was one moment when he'd truly almost kissed him. But then Sin looked uncomfortable and Boyd realized that if he did something stupid like that, who knew what would happen? They were only just now becoming comfortable again and if their whole 'friendship' had nearly ended over Boyd 'whoring himself', coming onto Sin was probably one of the stupidest things he could do.  It was especially confusing because he wasn't even sure exactly how far he wanted any of this to go and he was still confused about what Sin wanted and most of all, what made him become violent and lose control.

They were just too dysfunctional; when he'd abruptly pulled back that day in the kitchen, he'd told himself that Sin didn't want him in that way and that he'd probably just been confused or bored. Once Boyd was able to tell himself that, he did notice that Sin seemed a little quiet when he was around but it didn't bother him as much as he would have expected. Boyd was fascinated by the idea that he could touch Sin and how soft his hair was and the shape of his lips when he smirked or smiled, that it was difficult to not notice these details when Sin was close but with them returning to their typical interaction, he was just pleased to have Sin to talk to and hang around with that it didn't bother him very much that he couldn't do more.

Besides, he had been fine for years without sex. Just because he'd slept with Thierry didn't mean he had to have it again with anyone else; at least that's what he told himself. Most of the time he didn't care or think about it but once in awhile Sin did something that haunted him in the late hours of the night and caused him to take a cold shower or occasionally even masturbate. It was almost embarrassing that he'd gotten to this point; he felt like an awkward teenager that was too shy to tell the person of his affections that he was interested, so he had to take care of everything on his own.

After some time he'd received a solo mission which had helped to relieve some of the tension. He met with Andrews, who still refused to be around Sin, and got some good news. Sector 53 had finally managed to get in contact with Janus and they were planning to send them orders sometime soon. Janus seemed completely unaware that 53 was working with the Agency and it was hopeful that they would get some good contacts through the connection.

When Boyd returned from the mission, he barely saw Sin for the next week but as he roamed around the compound he realized that he had something to thank his partner for. After Sin stood up to the guard for Boyd, a lot of the teasing and negative attention fell away. They were probably too afraid that Sin would go after them if they bothered Boyd. It didn't mean he didn't get any sidelong looks or snarky comments, but it was a vast improvement from the way things had been before. It was mostly for that reason that Boyd felt comfortable enough resuming Ryan's training. Ryan was improving slowly, though he still got tired very quickly. He brought his inhaler every time after Ann's visit, though it was unclear whether it was lingering affection for his half-sister or the fact that Boyd gave him a pointed look any time he did not see it.

That day they had started early. Almost no one was in the training room and the few who were seemed to be almost entirely ignoring them. After several hours of training, even Boyd wanted a break. He stepped back and was glad he'd pulled his hair into a ponytail because otherwise it would have been too hot on his neck. He'd spent the day explaining what Ryan was doing better at and what he still needed improvement on, so by the time he wanted to stop he really had nothing to say except, "Great work. Are you ready for a rest?"

Ryan wiped sweat from his forehead and tucked damp strands of hair behind his ears. "Yeah," He said a little breathlessly. "I'm starting to feel worn out, but at least I lasted longer this time, right?" He grinned and looked up at Boyd with a hopeful expression on his pale face.

"Yes, you did," Boyd said approvingly with a slight smile. "Enough that I want to stop for a bit too. We could end for the day here."

Ryan nodded and picked up a bottle of water that sat beside the mat that they stood on. "Cool." He was silent for a moment as he drank but his eyes continued to study Boyd the entire time. He seemed to be thinking deeply about something and when he finally finished his water, he hesitated and fidgeted for a moment before speaking. "So what are you going to do for the rest of the night?"

Boyd looked over as he turned and headed for his coat. His long-sleeved shirt was soaked in sweat in some places but as usual he had not rolled the sleeves up even a bit. "I'm not certain," he said casually. "Nothing in particular, I suppose." He tried to wave some cool air to the back of his neck. "Why?"

"Oh, um." Ryan trailed behind Boyd and reached for his own coat, shrugging it on quietly without continuing what he'd been about to say. Although it was nearing the end of March and spring had officially begun, the temperature refused to rise above 40ºF so Ryan bundled himself up, protecting his weak immune system from the cold. His coat looked larger than usual and it seemed that Ryan had lost a considerable amount of weight in the past two months. Although Boyd noticed it, he didn't say anything as it very well could be that Ryan was exercising more and just hadn't gotten in the habit to eat enough yet to balance it.  "Oh, I don't know, I was just wondering..." He stopped again, wrapping a scarf around his throat, looking more pensive than usual. "So you and Hsin aren't going to hang out?"

Boyd tilted his head and started walking out of the room once he had his coat on. He slipped his hands in his pockets and left his hair in the ponytail. "No," he said, giving Ryan a slightly curious look. "Do you want to do something?"

Ryan's eyes brightened and he beamed at Boyd. "Sure!" He looked almost relieved for some reason. "But um--" He paused again, smile flicking almost self consciously. "But um did you want to just hang around here? Because. Well... I wanted to know if, you wanted to go out. Like outside the compound. To eat..." His face reddened slightly and he looked down, studying his sneakers as they left the training area.

Heading toward the front door, Boyd looked over with slightly raised eyebrows and a mildly amused expression. "I'm fine with eating. I can drive. Is there any particular place you'd like to go?"

Ryan looked mildly embarrassed, toying with the sleeve of his coat. "I don't know any places," He admitted and looked around when they got outside. "But actually, I want to go home and get showered and stuff first." He glanced at Boyd nervously. "Is that okay?"

"That's fine," Boyd said easily. "I suppose I should do the same. I can return in an hour or two if you'd like."

The relieved look returned to Ryan's face and for a moment it was obvious that he'd been afraid that Boyd would change his mind about going out. It wasn't the typical way that he acted before hanging out with Boyd; he was being stranger than usual. "Okay, great! Um, I'll just be a little while then." He turned in the direction of his building.

It was probably best that Ryan was thinking ahead; Boyd's coat was uncomfortable against the sweat coating his shirt and he wouldn't mind changing. By the time he went home, showered, changed and returned to the Agency it was over an hour. His hair was still damp but he didn't particularly care; he just held it back in another ponytail to keep it from his face and meandered his way to Ryan's apartment. He didn't know if he'd given him enough time to get ready, but he had no problems waiting around. Ryan was acting strangely but Boyd had not had a chance to hang around with him much outside of training so he figured that he may just be feeling lonely.

When Ryan answered the door he was dressed in a thick, black sweater and slightly oversized khaki pants. It was a change from his usual t-shirts and jeans but it actually made him look older, more mature. He smiled at Boyd and shrugged on his coat again. "So where do you want to go?"

Noting the clothing change, Boyd said nothing. He knew that Ryan almost never made it out of the compound and it was also a cool day; wearing a sweater made sense. "There are a few places we can go that are still open. There is a mall that has multiple restaurants if you'd like choice. Otherwise I suppose we could go to my house, but that would not be a particularly thrilling destination for one of your few outings from the compound."

Ryan's eyes widened slightly and he dropped his gaze, studying his shoes intently as he followed Boyd out of the building and towards his car. "Could we do both, do you think?" His tone was more than a little hopeful.

"Of course," Boyd said with a slightly amused smile. "We have many an option, and in fact can combine them as well. So, the opportunities are endless. I think truthfully we should go where you want; I have lived my life out here and you have seen very little. So if there is anywhere in particular you want me to take you, just tell me."

Ryan seemed to think carefully as they approached the car. There was something apprehensive about his manner, a slightly nervous look in his eyes as he slid into the passenger side and fiddled with his seatbelt. "I don't care, I'll go wherever you think is best," He said finally, smiling at Boyd once again.

"Well, then I suppose it will have to be a surprise," Boyd said mildly. He drove them to a nearby mall, though it was not really a mall in the sense of the word prior to the bombs. It was a motley collection of single-owner stores with a few small family-run restaurants in between. The stores were scattered throughout one of the few buildings that remained fully in tact with functional plumbing and electricity.

Ryan stared out the window and there was a distinct, excited sparkle in his wide eyes. He looked like a little kid going to an amusement park for the first time and although it was mildly endearing, it was also sad in a way. How long had it been since Ryan had been off the compound? More importantly, why had he waited so long to go?

Ryan glanced at Boyd again, once again apprehensive. "Do you think..." He trailed off and cleared his throat. "Do you think Hsin will mind?"

Boyd blinked at him after they parked. "I doubt it. Why would he?"

Ryan fiddled with his sleeve again, looking away and gnawing on his lower lip. "I mean, because... we're out together?"

He didn't quite know what to say to that; Boyd could not be certain what exactly Ryan meant by that. He could assume any number of things, ranging from Ryan being especially nervous due to being out of the compound to him thinking of this as a date. However, given that Ryan had been so kind to him for so long and that he'd never quite forgotten Ryan's hand brushing his cheek or saying he wished he'd killed Harry instead...

But Boyd was still not entirely certain because Ryan also just seemed like a kind, affectionate person, who was shy when it involved new things he was unaccustomed to but wanted. For instance, going out of the compound with a friend. Boyd could not imagine Ryan had many chances to do that before and Ryan also had a preoccupation with Sin... So it was also possible that he was just really happy to be outside, especially with Boyd as his friend, and his hero worship of Sin would not allow him to do anything that may go against his wishes.

Not wanting to say the wrong thing, Boyd only shrugged lightly. "I'm sure it's okay," he said calmly.

Ryan still seemed unsure but he nodded anyway, seeming to take Boyd's word for it. "I just wouldn't want to piss him off. He's all protective of you lately and so, I don't know." He laughed at himself and scratched the back of his head. "Nevermind, I make no sense." Shaking his head, he opened the door and stepped out of the car as he looked around the area. "I haven't been off the compound in so freaking long, man. It's like... weird being out here."

Boyd smiled to himself slightly as he shut the car door behind him and leaned against the car. "Did you ever read Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series by chance?"

Ryan glanced over at Boyd in surprise, eyebrows rising slightly. "I don't think so? Typically my major forms of reading material are comic books, manga or game manuals."

"Ah." Boyd did not seem particularly surprised by the answer; he expected he would have to explain as the series was decades old, just like most of the books he read. "Well, there is a character that spent his life in the catacombs of this huge palace. He is a genius with prophecies but he almost never actually leaves the building. There is a scene where the main character brings him to the roof, and he looks around with wide eyes and says he never realized the sky was so big. He finds it a little frightening to be out of the comforts of the confines of darkness, yet at the same time he is fascinated." Boyd tilted his head slightly. "You reminded me a little of him just now."

Ryan gazed at Boyd for a long moment, a tender look in his blue eyes.  The smile that crossed his face wasn't as wide and exuberant as it usually was but it was incredibly genuine and there was something almost private about it. When he looked away from Boyd, he glanced up at the sky and his face turned solemn again. It was a strange thing but something about Ryan seemed incredibly weary just then and for the first time since Boyd had met him, he didn't give the impression of an overzealous kid. Ryan suddenly seemed his age and his eyes seemed far older than that.

"I'm glad you came with me, Boyd," He said softly. "I know you don't think so, but you're one of the best people I know. You always say the right things, always make me feel better about things that I feel stupid about." He looked away from the sky and raised his eyebrows. "I'd secretly been hoping the ever-present cloudiness was just an omen about the Agency but it seems like it's everywhere. Doesn't the sun ever shine anywhere anymore?"

Caught by Ryan's sincerity, Boyd watched him for a moment. He had not expected that reaction, and for a moment he didn't know what to say. He felt like more was happening here than he was entirely aware of and it was a little off-balancing. Boyd truly cared about Ryan and did not want to hurt him, and in that moment with the weariness showing through solemnity, Boyd just wanted to make him feel better, just like Ryan had done for him when he felt terrible.

Something in him twisted a little and he felt very sad for some reason, enough that he looked away so Ryan would not see it in his eyes. Studying the city's shattered skyline against the clouds in another direction, he inclined his head. "It's like this everywhere," he said softly. "Within the cities and out. I've grown used to it but I do miss the sunrises."

The disappointment was obvious but Ryan shrugged, trying to brush it off. "I guess it's to be expected. It's just... sad that people destroy the world for their own ridiculous disputes for power. I remember when I was little, my parents and I used to always go to parks and we'd feed the birds. It was so nice..." He trailed off for a moment but then shook his head and smiled again. "So, where are we headed? I leave things completely in your hands."

Boyd considered that. "I suppose first we will find something to eat. Do you have any preferences?"

Ryan put his hands in his pockets and looked around. "I don't really know. Umm. I used to like Italian food a lot, but I don't remember why. I'm fine with anything, really. I just wanted to spend time with you more than anything."

"Well," Boyd said lightly, "I am hardly worth following outside the compound unless you also get to experience life out here. There is a small place I know that we will go to; they have a little of everything, including Italian." Pushing away from the car, he headed toward the mall area, his hands still slipped in his pockets. It was strange having the wind blow and not take his hair with it; he so infrequently pulled his hair back and he knew it would dry faster if left straight but he didn't want to deal with a damp face and slightly wet shoulders from where his hair would rest.

Ryan followed and looked around as they walk, taking in everyone and everything in their vicinity. There were children running around in another part of the parking lot and he smiled as he watched them. "It seems weird that people seem to be living normal lives again. It's like the world moved on already. Makes me feel kind of dumb for hiding in the compound for so long."

"You're not," Boyd said, watching the children as well though his voice was almost solemn. "It depends on the area you are in and what time it is. There are still places in the city where scavengers rip everything apart and would be willing to kill for items like coats or food. Some people still have no place to live and sometimes steal homes from others."

He watched as one of the kids fell and a woman walked over, picking him up and rocking him back and forth soothingly. "But there is no doubt that enough time has passed that many lives have been reborn and reworked into this new situation," he said softly. "The shops and restaurants are a good example of an economy that is slowly rising again. For awhile, only trading was allowed and money meant nothing. Now, money is becoming a commodity again, and children who were born after the bombs don't know to miss what the world was like before."

Boyd paused, and his expression and tone turned a little wry. "I suppose in a way I am one of those children. I was born within a month of the first wave of bombs, but they were not at this city yet. I know at least what the sky used to look like, and I can remember vaguely the scent of fresh air. It's been so many years that sometimes I forget, though."

Ryan nodded and focused on Boyd once again. "A lot of..." He paused and lowered his voice slightly. "A lot of the people who join or create these factions that we come across are mostly people who lost everything during the war. They lost their businesses, homes, families and now they decide to fight against what they think is cause for all of that to give their lives a little bit more meaning again." They got closer to the stores and restaurants and Ryan smiled again. "I wish they could just move on and be like these people here-- just be thankful that they still have their lives and their health, stop throwing it away for a lost cause."

Personally, Boyd could not blame the people for wanting to strike out against the perceived cause of their loss. Although he worked for the Agency, that was merely circumstance. If his mother had not been affiliated with the government and if he had cared enough after Lou's death to do anything, it was possible he could have been one of the people in the factions. But that was not the case and Ryan had spent his life associated with the Agency, so he did not want to offend him. He just inclined his head and led the way to the restaurant. "There are certainly some nice shops that have been built due to people moving on."

Ryan looked around, eyes momentarily focusing on a candy and ice cream shop. "Do you ever take Hsin out with you?" The question was sudden and a little random.

"Ah," Boyd said, a little bit startled. "I suppose there was one time that we went anywhere. Generally we go to missions and return."

Ryan nodded, looking mildly curious. "What did you do when you went out?"

Watching a few shops as they passed, Boyd replied a little absently. "I bought him food and clothing because he did not have either." He paused briefly and amended, "Well, he has clothing, but much of it is worn through."

"I think those are the clothes he arrived at the Agency with," Ryan replied with a hint of amusement in his tone. "Is there a reason for that? Like.. some weird superstitious thing?"

"No," Boyd said with a hint of exasperation toward Sin. "He is just incorrigible."

Ryan glanced at Boyd and stared for a long moment before letting his gaze slide away. "You know, people talk about you two a lot still. But it's not as vindictive as it was before."

Boyd looked over. He couldn't quite interpret Ryan's expression so he said only, "Oh?"

Ryan shrugged and ran a hand through his messy black hair, causing his bangs to fall in front of his glasses. "It's just kind of like-- I don't know. People are fascinated by the two of you."

Shrugging with one shoulder, Boyd looked ahead again and led them down a crumbling hallway. "I don't see why," he said in casual unconcern. "They are probably saying the exact same things as earlier, but now they use a different tone. Likely they just want something to entertain themselves with."

"Well yeah, some people of course-- the dumbasses. But also, like... people say stuff to me a lot because they know I'm around the two of you and it's like... people are just so in awe that he let you in. Like, into his world, you know?"

Boyd looked over but remained silent; partially because he didn't know what to say to that, and partially because something told him Ryan wasn't done talking.

They approached a small restaurant called Evan's and Ryan smiled happily at the sounds of laughter and talking that spilled out of the door. "For a long time people couldn't even comprehend the idea of Hsin being close to anyone or acting remotely human. I've always been his biggest defender but even so, he was really scary before. He still is. But now it's like... you see that there's more to it than that. And it makes people wonder."

Boyd shook his head slightly to himself. He didn't say anything at first so he could get them to a table in back near the windows. Most people did not sit there because the view was mostly that of broken remnants of the city and the sky was always so clouded that the light through the stained and dirty glass seemed especially dismal. Yet Boyd's favorite Crater Lake was just visible in the edges of view, and even if everything was jagged and falling apart, the city was still his home and sometimes he still thought it was beautiful. Besides, it was easier to talk and hear each other out of the bustle of the main room.

"Someone will be by with menus," he explained as he took a seat and gestured for Ryan to do the same across the small two-person table. "They still operate this like an old restaurant, unlike many other places." He glanced for the waiter then turned back to Ryan with a slightly mystified shake of his head.

"Honestly, I think it is just that I happen to be near him and have never viewed him as anything but human. I don't see what is so spectacular about that, or awe-inspiring. Any other person could do the same and I'm sure Sin would accept it. For some reason, I just ended up being the first that he could not get away from simply due to the fact that we have to be together on missions. There is nothing amazing in that. It is simple common sense. It seems that those from the Agency were simply so accustomed to viewing him as something frightening that they did not realize that he becomes what he is treated as. Just as anyone else would be. If I am treated as dirt, I will likely consider myself to be dirt, and will react accordingly. I could become easily abused, or perhaps I would treat others the way I am treated. But if someone just gave me the benefit of the doubt and believed in me, then maybe I would do the same." He shrugged one shoulder. "That is all it is."

Ryan nodded and focused on Boyd completely again. His lips were slightly pursed and his face seemed pensive as he considered his words. "I agree with you there, really. I mean, how else could he react when he'd only been treated like a subhuman.. violent... thing all of his life? But at the same time, he didn't really give anyone the chance. Like, I mean people who tried to reach out. The few of us. When he was fourteen and I told you Jacob introduced us to him thinking for some reason all of us kids could be friends but he just... I don't know. He didn't want it. And Zachary..." Ryan trailed off for a moment as the waiter came and gave them menus, talking about the specials and taking their orders for drinks. He waited to continue until the waiter left.

"Zachary treated him like his long lost son for the longest time and Hsin just reacted with such violence and coldness. I mean I don't blame him, I don't think it's his fault, but there's really just something almost special about how he connects with you and a lot of people have noticed it."

Boyd frowned slightly, looking almost pensive. Every reason he could think of that would explain why Sin would have opened up to him in any way related back to his argument: Boyd simply thought of him as human. There was nothing special about Boyd, nothing that warranted extra attention. There was absolutely no reason for Sin to have accepted him instead of others, unless it was simply circumstances.

"I don't know," Boyd said with a hint of frustration. "It must have been timing. Perhaps he would have been a little more accepting of anyone he would have met at the time I appeared, but I just happened to be the one there." He leaned against the table and watched Ryan. "It is possible with Connors and Carhart he was annoyed that they acted as parental figures, and with you and the other children he just did not want to be told what to do." He wanted to deny that Sin accepted him, but for that he would have to ignore that he smiled around him, or the fact that Boyd was able to touch him without reprisal, or even the expression Sin had as he stared at the books. All these little things that added up and showed that Sin at least did not mind his presence.

"Why..." Ryan frowned slightly, eyebrows drawing together. "Do you not want it to be true?" He picked at a chunk of bread from the basket that the waiter had placed on their table and studied his menu intently. "I'm not trying to be an asshole or argue or anything, but it seems like you just... are in denial?" It came out apologetic sounding.

Looking down at the table, Boyd was silent for a long moment. He slouched back in the chair and sighed softly. "I don't know," he said honestly, a little bewildered, a little frustrated. "I just find it nearly impossible to believe that there is anything in particular about me that is so unique. Everyone, Sin included, seems to question my stance and wonder why I treat him as I do. There is no reason for it but what I have said. I am completely perplexed as to why this makes me different, or why another with my same perspective would not be absolutely replaceable with me."

Ryan shrugged and smiled at the waiter when he briefly stopped by with their drinks. "Maybe it's the same reason why I like hanging out with you so much?" He suggested mildly.

"Boredom?" Boyd suggested with slight humor.

Ryan made a face. "No, not boredom. I like spending time with you because you're smart and funny and you just have this incredible perspective on everything and just... you're not like anyone else I've ever met. And you're gorgeous too." He smiled shyly but didn't look up. "And I know you like to say that you're easily replaceable but you're not. Not for me and not for Hsin. I know everyone in the Agency and people like... try to be my friend, try to take me out with them and hang out but this is the first time I've left the compound in years and I decided to go with you."

Boyd stared at him, and the same sadness reappeared but this time it was laced with something almost... grateful. Was he really the things Ryan thought he was? He didn't consider himself to be amusing, and though he knew that he was intelligent in school that did not mean much in reality. It just meant he knew how to read and take tests. He also would never categorize his perspective as anything particularly noteworthy, and he thought he looked more blasé and mildly feminine than attractive. Especially since Boyd knew what he had been like after Lou's death, an ugly reminder of a pathetic time when he was anything but desirable or worthwhile.

He couldn't see in himself what apparently Ryan, or Boyd's alleged fan club, or even Sin possibly saw in him. He was just Boyd. Boring, normal Boyd, and it was not that he had low self-esteem so much as it was he knew that he was just another human in a world of billions more. And even they as a species were just one of many on the planet, which was one of many in the solar system, which was one of an innumerable amount in the universe. There could be nothing unique or special in such an existence. His body was just a collection of materials, and his sense of self was just another self-deluded construct his brain created. In that context, he simply could not comprehend what they could possibly see in him that was any different. Even with words like 'smart,' 'funny,' or 'gorgeous,' Boyd still felt that it was not reason enough to be fascinated by him.

But there was no doubt Ryan was sincere in what he said, and it was still nice to know that someone cared so much. He didn't know why he felt sad except that Ryan was so kind, and he didn't feel like he could ever be kind enough back. Inherently in Boyd's personality there was something that he felt was not right. The fact that he thought of Sin more than Ryan was on its own a disservice to the person who had been on his side and supporting him the entire time. Boyd wished he could be all that Ryan needed at that moment just so he could return all the favors Ryan had done for him, but he didn't think he could. He didn't know what Ryan needed, or even particularly what he felt about anything, but he did know that as much as he cared about Ryan, as much as he thought he was a great person who deserved a lot more than he was getting... Boyd also knew that he could never repay Ryan completely because Boyd was just not capable of it.

He realized he had been silent for several seconds, so he smiled slightly and looked at the table. "Thank you," he said with a little bit of solemnity. "You're always so nice."

Ryan shrugged and finally looked up shyly. "You don't have to thank me. If anything I should thank you for making me want to come out here again instead of hiding in the compound."

"Then I suppose we shall just have to agree to be thankful to each other," Boyd said lightly. He pulled the food closer that the waiter dropped off and started eating. "We've talked enough about work issues. There must be a more interesting dinner topic."

Ryan shrugged and twirled spaghetti around his fork, a thoughtful look on his face. "I don't know, I'm not that interesting. Ummm. Everything I think to talk about revolves around either work or video games. Or comic books." He chewed slowly and rolled his eyes in exaggerated pleasure. "Oh my God this is fucking awesome."

Boyd inclined his head in satisfaction. "I'm glad you enjoy it. Evan is actually the cook here; he started the business from his home and eventually made a large enough profit and built enough of a customer base that he was able to renovate this room. My friend knew him from before he came here. Evan allegedly gave him free food for awhile but I was never privy to the same perk so I can't say if it is true."

Stopping, he realized how much he was talking about something completely inconsequential. For someone who was generally so silent around others, he often found himself rambling to Ryan in particular and secondarily to Sin. "Ah. I apologize. That was boring." He thought quickly of something else. "You seem to be well-loved at the Agency; why do you find yourself not spending time with coworkers?"

Ryan grinned at him. "It wasn't boring. I think it's cool how this place got started. It's awesome and the food is great," He said as he spooned generous amounts of pasta onto a piece of bread. "And, I dunno. I mean even though I guess I'm friendly, I'm pretty withdrawn sometimes. I guess I'm shy and I don't know what to say to people sometimes. Or... I dunno. I'm not sure really."

Boyd lifted one shoulder in a languid shrug. "In my experience, trying too hard in social situations is often what makes them most difficult. If you don't concentrate on saying what you think others need to hear then it may be easier to talk. And there is certainly nothing wrong with staying silent. I happen to enjoy your company and I do not spend time with many people, and you always know what to say to me. It's possible you just worry about yourself too much."

"I always think I'll say the wrong thing," Ryan admitted. "I'm really self conscious around people. Like, I don't know, even when people ask me to do things I'll agree but then I'll scare myself into thinking I'll make a fool of myself and back out of it. There's this FA guy who always invites me out but I always say no because he has all of these friends and I'm not so good in big groups. I don't know... I'm just so closed off or whatever. I know I've been exposed to a lot... like, technically, but at the same time I've experienced nothing and kind of live in this protective world."

Thinking about the silence of his house, Boyd could agree. "I see," he said with a nod, and seemed to completely accept Ryan's explanation. "If you are interested in spending time with the friend you could request to go alone. But there is no sense in pushing yourself if you feel comfortable with where you are."

"I'm not that interested, he's just persistent."

"How did you meet him? Or rather, why is he so insistent?"

Ryan shrugged, looking mildly embarrassed. "I met him when I tried to train to be an FA..." He fiddled with his fork and glanced up at Boyd through his bangs. "We uh... hung out, I guess. I guess he supposedly likes me."

Boyd quirked an eyebrow slightly. "I sense more to this story."

Ryan reddened slightly. "When I was training to be an FA, you know how everyone has to live in the rookie dorms? So they can feel free to harass you whenever? Well, he had the room next to mine and I guess we became friends. I don't know... I guess he liked me and we um, fooled around I guess." He seemed embarrassed for some reason and scratched his head. "It was kind of silly and like fumbling and stuff. I don't know, it's been a few years and he still tries to hang out with me."

"Ahh," Boyd said, a little amused. "He must still like you. I take it you are no longer interested in that type of relationship with him."

Ryan shrugged and took a long drink from his soda. "I'm on to other things."

Boyd did not have anything to say to that so instead he considered Ryan, thinking of his comment about the clouds and how long it had been. "Why haven't you left the compound in so long? It seems to me you are very interested in the world. Are you restricted?"

Ryan shrugged and looked out the window. "No, I can go anywhere I want really. I don't have to stay on the compound, Ann actually tries to get me to go off it with her sometimes. I just... I don't know, I guess you can say I've been scared. I haven't really left since I was little, when my parents died and even before then, I always lived here. It seems like all the bad stuff always happens out there and the compound is... safe? But lately, I don't know, I've just been wanting to see new things, experience new things. I'm tired of being some stupid little kid and I'm tired of people treating me like I'm one."

"You are not a stupid little kid," Boyd said firmly. "Wanting to avoid what hurts is not childish; it is natural. Beyond that, consider the sheer amount of information you have within the compound itself. There are many things we would never have been capable of doing without your knowledge, and I suspect there is far more you can do that I am unaware of. If, for instance, I had been in your place, I do not think I would have become as adept at navigating the system and knowing the loopholes."

Ryan smiled sheepishly, modest as always. "Well I guess so, but that's just because I have so much time on my hands because I don't do anything else. I just... I don't know. I just feel dumb sometimes, like I'm a small child afraid of the world so I hide out where it's safe. I just wish I was more like you, braver like you. You don't hide from anything, even stuff that's scary."

If Boyd were the type to emote more, he would have burst out laughing at that. "Ah," he said instead, a dark sort of amusement in his tone, "that would be entirely untrue. Prior to arriving at the Agency, I spent three years hiding in my mother's house, not thinking. You were a child who lost his parents, and I was a teenager who lost a friend. Yet you reacted far less severely than I did. I would say between the two of us, you are braver."

Ryan finished chewing the last of his food and pushed the plate away, shaking his head in denial. "But you lost your father too and your mom, well, your mom isn't really a mom. You've always been alone and no matter what I'm always surrounded by people having stuff to do to distract myself from my own issues and still I took forever to get past it. And you, you came in here with no experience at all and totally kicked ass! I mean you did all of these hard missions totally by yourself at first because Hsin wouldn't help you. Missions like that, I mean before our unit was so exclusive they had other Level 9 Agents doing similar things and not even Kassian could pull them off solo. And he got promoted to Level 10 eventually! You seriously are like, awesome."

Ryan was starting to sound like Boyd's fan instead of Sin's, and it was a little amusing. Boyd took a moment to respond, realizing he had barely eaten any of his food. Taking a few bites, he tried to decide how best to explain the circumstances. Leaning back in his chair, he chose his words carefully, his tone calm. "It is easy enough to fulfill such missions. I wanted to do a good job simply because I did not want my name attached to something pathetic. At the same time, I have never particularly cared if I died."

Boyd shrugged one shoulder unconcernedly. "I imagine those who have gone through the training are more committed to the missions while at the same time even if they have prepared themselves for death, the very act of considering it has lit within them a need for life. As for myself, if I died this moment, it would simply be an inevitability of nature. That mindset is perhaps more fatalistic than brave, and my lack of experience only urged me to think more during the actual missions. Perhaps those who are trained properly for years are caught within the rules they have created whereas everything for me must be looked at anew when it appears."

He paused. "I imagine it is the same for this Kassian person. That is the second time I have heard his name. Why have I not seen him, or why is Sin not partnered with him instead if they are both Level 10?"

Ryan picked up another chunk of bread and used it to soak up the leftover sauce on his place. "They don't get along," He said around a mouthful of food. "And also I don't think they'd have both of them partnered together anyway because then they'd have no Level 10 agents free to do all of Jacob's super secret solo assignments. That's actually where he is now, he's been on solo assignment for a little over a year now and will probably be gone for a lot longer. That's what happens sometimes when they go deep undercover. Except with Hsin. He doesn't do too well with them for the obvious reasons."

He washed his food down with the rest of his drink. "Originally they were going to put Kassian in this unit alone but they changed their minds for some reason."

"That's interesting," Boyd said as he speared some pasta with his fork. "Do you suppose someone just wanted Sin out of the compound so the unit was used as an excuse?"

"Well, I don't know," Ryan replied, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his stomach. "People give Hsin a lot of shit but at the same time, the few times I remember Jacob inviting people to try out for Level 10, they use him as a model for what they should do. So they still think he has the ability to be an awesome agent as long as he's under control. So maybe they just thought he was superior to Kass in some way. Also, they like the fact that unlike most people, Hsin generally asks no questions about what he's told to do and doesn't appear to have any political views one way or another, so maybe they trust him not to switch sides? I'm not sure to be honest, but I know Kassian resented it a lot."

"Is that why they do not get along, or have they ever? How long has Kassian been a Level 10?"

"Hmmm. Well, I'm not sure. I know for awhile they had one guy who was also Level 10 but he was killed. Level 10 agents have a really low life expectancy, like Emilio was... early thirties when he died? And no one was surprised when he disappeared because they're not expected to survive long. Zachary is the exception but he got super promoted and doesn't go in the field anymore."

Ryan paused and blinked. "Wow I ramble," He said with a laugh. "Anyway, I think Kassian came around the first time Hsin was on the fourth for a long time. I didn't know him very well, I really don't even now, but he seemed really competitive and he always wanted to show Hsin up. Like, he was furious when they took the position in our unit away from him. He couldn't understand why they'd trust someone like Hsin who is such a wild card, more than him."

Boyd could understand how someone like Kassian would be frustrated by Sin being chosen instead. "Where is Kassian now?"

"Still undercover apparently, I don't know when he's due back in to be honest. A lot of agents sometimes end up on assignment for months or even years at a time. They never used to send Hsin undercover when they realized how bad he was at it. I doubt he even tries."

Thinking of the mission in which he'd told Sin exactly what to do for the undercover portion and he appeared in his typical clothes, he had to nod. "No," he said with a hint of irritation, "he does not. At all."

Ryan smiled. "Have experience in that department?"

"Yes," Boyd said, and though he sounded exasperated there was something that was amused and remotely fond in his expression. "I gave him exact parameters and clothing once and he showed up late, in his usual clothing, without bothering at all to even hide that he was approaching me. He is abysmal at it."

Ryan nodded and gave Boyd another long glance before looking away, declining to further comment on the matter. He reached for another piece of bread but then realized that the basket was completely empty which left him nothing to do with his hands. He settled for playing with the salt and pepper shakers for awhile before speaking again. "So what do you want to do now?"

Noting that Ryan got a little quiet, Boyd realized that although this was supposed to be about him seeing the outside world, Boyd kept bringing the topic back to work and related people. Tilting his head, he seemed to focus entirely on Ryan once again. "Is there any place you have wanted to see? Or anything in particular you are interested in? I could show you around the city if you would like. Or if you care for dessert, there is a small place nearby that serves ice cream."

Ryan's eyes brightened at the mention of ice cream and he once again seemed like a little kid despite the fact that he was trying to shed that image. "I haven't had real ice cream in so long-- all I get is that fake frozen yogurt stuff that the supply agent's always purchase."

"I wondered if that was the case," Boyd said with amusement as he stood. "Wait a moment while I pay and then we can go." He left before Ryan could say anything but he was not gone long. Barely two minutes passed before he reappeared at the table with his hands slipped into his pockets and a pleasant expression on his face. "Ready?"

"I wanted to pay!" Ryan protested, standing up. "I invited you, so I should totally pay."

"You are too slow for me," Boyd informed him with mock haughtiness. "You will have to simply live with the fact that I paid for us, and that I will also be paying for ice cream."

Ryan pouted exaggeratedly, putting his hands in his pockets. "Who's the guy on this date anyway?"

Boyd did not let the slightly unexpected, probably teasing comment make him miss a beat. "I believe we both are," he said smoothly, a joking smirk pulling at one edge of his lips.

Ryan stuck out his tongue and turned towards the door. "Whatever, I pay for ice cream."

Amused, Boyd simply followed him. He waited until Ryan got to the hallway and had to look around in confusion, not knowing which way to go, before Boyd tilted his head to the right and started walking. It was a relatively short distance to the ice cream shop, which was little more than a small cart huddled beneath the remains of a one room building. The walls had nearly all fallen away but the roof was strangely in tact.

The owner, Jezebel, had reinforced the support for the roof long ago with warped pieces of metal and wood fastened together that she had scavenged for months to find. She was nearing eighty-six now but continued to sit every day within the shade of her little hut, watching the number of people passing by increase with every year. Her modest cart was barely more than a glorified box on wheels, and the wheelchair she never left was as rusty as it was old.

Lou and Boyd had stumbled upon her one day while looking for something to do, and Boyd had always been rather taken in by her. She was missing a leg and one arm from the elbow down from the bombs, and she lost her entire family. While alive, her daughter Lynnette had been obsessed with ice cream, as were Lynnette's children. It all started from Jezebel's childhood, when her mother taught her to make homemade ice cream, and the fact that when Lynnette was just a child Jezebel did the same for her. As Lynnette grew older she lost a lot of her childhood dreams, but somehow the love of ice cream had always remained. It was a longstanding joke in their family that Lynnette should build her own ice cream store just so she could get free samples. When the bombs killed them all instantly, Jezebel was left with nothing. After she got over the initial shock and pain, she realized she needed something to keep her going. She said she originally created her little ice cream stand as a way to remember them, and in her own way to carry on Lynnette's dream.

As the years passed her goal shifted. Now she wanted to inspire new children and grandchildren to love ice cream the way it was before. She said there were certain pleasures in life no child should be without, and it was for that reason alone she had managed to scrounge together an old ice cream maker, found suppliers for the ingredients, and gathered the supplies necessary to keep it perfectly cold regardless of the weather. Even in winter she was often found sitting beneath the roof, covered in blankets with a little rickety old heater at her feet.

She remembered everyone by name even if she met them just once and often recalled little details a person never expected her to care about. When Boyd and Ryan appeared in view, she immediately yelled in delight, "Little Boyd, I was wondering when you'd come again!" Ryan looked over in surprise but Boyd only smiled to Jezebel and raised one hand in silent greeting.

She had always called Boyd little, even though the first time they met he was eleven years old. He didn't particularly think he was all that small for his age at the time, and he had personally seen her call seven-year-olds by name without 'little' attached. Rather then being insulted, he thought of it as an endearment. Lou, on the other hand, used to get upset that she called him 'Little Louis.' Not only was she calling him small, she was also using his full name. The further flustered or petulant he got, the more it amused Boyd, and Boyd had always secretly thought that was the main reason she did it. Jezebel seemed very interested in bringing happiness back to a world that she thought lost so much of it for very little reason. And, somehow, she always seemed to particularly enjoy Lou and Boyd's company.

It hadn't occurred to Boyd that many of these places would be bittersweet for him. It was stupid, really, on all accounts. For one, it was stupid to get a little sad at the idea that he and Lou used to shove each other laughingly and joke around under this same roof, ice cream melting onto their hands while they traded off flavors to debate which was best. On the other hand, it was also very stupid not to realize that going to a place with memories of Lou imprinted in every corner would make him sad.

He had not been to any of these places since Lou died; he'd spent his time holed up in his house with his overwhelming memories and the pathetic inability to get past them. For that reason, he felt his stomach tighten as they walked within speaking distance. Would she ask where 'Little Louis' was?

Jezebel's eyes flicked to Boyd's throat where Lou's ring rested on the necklace then she looked past him briefly, as if searching for Lou in his wake. When she saw only Ryan she just kept her smile and seemed perfectly content to simply introduce herself to Ryan and ask him all manner of questions about himself. She was never intrusive in her curiosity, all too aware that questions about a person's family or past could bring up many terrible memories. Instead, she asked things like what Ryan's favorite color was (blue), what animal he liked best (cats), and what color he would paint the sky if he could, even if it would never be seen there in reality (pink, like when the sun sets).

Standing to the side, Boyd kept one hand in his trench coat pocket while the other held his ice cream cone. With mild amusement he watched their debate over what was the best hair color, even if it was not natural (Ryan said light brown to golden, but Jezebel was very firm that violet was by far the most beautiful). They tried to pull Boyd in once or twice but he just took a large bite of ice cream and innocently raised his eyebrows, as if to say he could not possibly talk with his mouth full; it would be terribly rude.

Trips to Jezebel's were never brief affairs, and they only ended up leaving over an hour and a half later when the same woman from the parking lot could be seen approaching with her three children in tow. Although Ryan had tried to pay her, Jezebel refused on the grounds that first-time visitors always ate free and Boyd was not charged because, she claimed, he was always her favorite. Boyd seemed amused by the declaration but said nothing and in the end all they were able to do was leave her a 'tip' that equated to more than the cost. She protested but they were insistent and in the end Ryan did get to pay even though Boyd tried to stop him. Moving out from beneath the roof, Ryan stared contemplatively at the dismally grey sky while Boyd said his goodbyes at Jezebel's side.

Boyd smoothly thanked her for her time and when Jezebel raised her hand, he cordially took it, bowed with one hand folded behind his back, and kissed her fingers just the way he used to see in the movies. Jezebel grinned, several teeth missing even from her dentures, and she pulled him closer when he moved to stand. "I'm sorry," she whispered briefly into his ear, and let go so he could pull back to stare at her with an unreadable expression. Her smile turned just a shade sad before she suddenly brightened and smacked him on the arm.

"Always keeping your friends waiting," she admonished him lightly with her hazel eyes twinkling. "Get going, Little Boyd.  Ryan will give up on you soon."

"Never," Boyd told her haughtily. "I cannot be abandoned; it is in my contract."

She laughed and pushed him away lightly with her hand.  He smiled at her briefly before walking toward Ryan.  "Come back sooner," she called out. "You too, Ryan! You know where to find me."

When Ryan thanked her profusely she just smiled then turned to the woman and her children, who were now debating what to order off the hand-written list of flavors Jezebel had pasted to the front of her little cart.

As they left, Boyd looked a little preoccupied and Ryan stayed silent for a bit. Boyd had almost been expecting Jezebel to ask about Lou's whereabouts, and while he was quite grateful he would not have to explain, he wondered how she knew. Then again, she seemed to know everything. He was positive she meant she was sorry about Lou's death, though what else she may know about the circumstances, Boyd could not be sure. He still felt a little detached from his past, and it was no wonder because three years of a deadened mind would take longer than a few months to fix.

Even so, Boyd was not quite sure what he felt as he wandered by foot through the areas he and Lou used to explore like adventurers in a book. He was glad he had avoided visiting these places any sooner than now; it had been terrible enough ignoring the memories of Lou in his house, but it would have been harder trying to do so out in public, where anyone could see if he could not move past a place where they both had a wonderful time. He felt like he should be sad or devastated, but the years and his growing sense of self were allowing him to view the city more objectively. He could bring Ryan to places saturated with Lou, and it was almost better because now he had a new friend to balance him in case he started to fall.

Looking over at Ryan quietly, Boyd contemplated him for a moment before tilting his head. "Let me show you something, but it's a surprise," he said calmly, and started walking in a new direction, waiting just long enough for Ryan to nod, startled. Although Ryan snuck a few sidelong, contemplative glances at Boyd on the way, Boyd spent most of the time looking around with a nostalgic expression. For some reason, he thought it would be better to walk rather than drive, but he kept it to a casual stroll just in case Ryan's condition acted up.

A huge mound of broken concrete and metal loomed before them as they turned a corner; it completely dwarfed the surrounding crumbling buildings and blocked their view of what was beyond. Boyd stopped abruptly, stared in silence at the pile for a long moment and glanced at Ryan distractedly before tilting his head as a gesture to follow.

A little bewildered, Ryan trailed behind Boyd as they climbed their way clumsily but steadily up the mound. Boyd reached the top first and with casual familiarity, he balanced on the edges of a tilted chunk of concrete that rocked beneath his feet. Ryan was able to scramble up to more stable footing and only then did he look up.

Far ahead and beneath them, a gigantic crater ripped deep into the ground as a reminder of the war that destroyed the city. It was deep and several city blocks large, crowding out the buildings that huddled at the corners like children in awe of something grand. Stagnant water rose nearly to the top of the crater's edge, the colors a mixture of greens, reds and browns in a kaleidoscope pattern dictated by nature and moss.

Boyd stared at the view for a long moment before blinking and turning to Ryan, tilting his head toward the crater. "This is what we all call Crater Lake. It used to be my favorite place to visit, and I often dragged Lou with." He looked out to the lake again, contemplative. "It probably seems disgusting to others, and certainly the water was nothing more than disturbing to Lou, but I've always been rather fascinated by the colors."

Lifting one hand, he pointed to the northeast. "There was a rain of bombs that swept through, starting from a few miles that way, but somehow none of those impacts were as impressive as this. In the years since the bomb destroyed this section of the city, the crater has slowly filled with rainwater and runoff from the snow. It is probably filled with diseases, but some people still drink from it and bathe there because fresh water is so difficult to find."

Looking down at the water, Boyd studied the layers of moss and the dismal grey of the light from the clouds. "I thought you may like to see something a little less dismal that remains despite the desolate surroundings." His gaze drifting to the lake, Boyd murmured mostly to himself, "I am pleased to see it is still the same. I haven't been here in so long; I was a little worried it would somehow be gone."

Ryan stared at Boyd for a long moment; there was something sad in his eyes but at the same time he seemed very thankful. He looked away after awhile and stared down at the murky water, smiling softly at the reflection of the light and absently reached out to squeeze Boyd's fingers. "Thank you, Boyd." His voice was warm, genuine. "Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it must be painful for you."

Glancing down to where their fingers met, Boyd looked back up and met Ryan's eyes. His expression was a little solemn but otherwise calm. "Thank you but it's fine," he said softly. "I have just always liked this spot; I used to come on my own before I even showed Lou. I only know so many places in the city to show anyone, so I thought I should bring you somewhere more unique than just a few random shops."

Ryan nodded, not pulling his hand away, his eyes still holding the same tenderness. "Can I ask you a question?" He paused briefly and didn't wait for a response. "Were you and Lou together?"

Boyd stared at him, seeming caught by his gaze and a little startled, almost as if he wanted to look away but could not quite bring himself to. He felt strangely uncomfortable with the question but didn't know why. It was probably obvious from anyone listening to him that he and Lou had been more than friends, but Lou was so many things wrapped into a single person that it was like sharing deep secrets from his whole family just by answering that simple question.

"Ah." For a moment he did not want to answer, but Ryan had shared a lot with him and it was not a difficult question. Why did it matter anyway? Lou was dead and everyone was already aware of Boyd's orientation so it's not like admitting it changed anything. Furthermore, it was a disservice to Lou's memory to try to hide all that he meant to Boyd. He dragged his gaze away and could not help hesitating for a moment anyway. "Yes," he said finally.

Ryan nodded and looked into the depths of the murky water again. He was silent for a long moment. "Have you ever gone here with Hsin?"

That was an easier question to answer, even if Boyd was not entirely following his train of thought. "No," he said, his eyes going a little distant as he thought about Sin being there. It did make him wonder what Sin would think about this. He would probably climb the hill of broken concrete far more gracefully and quickly than Boyd, even though Boyd had been there so many times he knew which areas were most stable. When he looked down at the crater, would he see anything but dirty water? What would he think of Jezebel, which flavor would he get, what answers would he give her when she quizzed him? Would she call him Sin or Hsin? If Boyd tried to bring him to Evan's, would they even make it past the little candy store along the way? He wanted to see Sin's expressions sometime when they could just walk around without purpose and he wanted to know what Sin would say. But he was thinking about this too much for such a simple question. He tried to put it out of his mind and instead gave Ryan a look that was a little curious, feeling like he needed to explain. "I've never gone around the city with him. We just stopped at that store once because he needed items."

Ryan glanced at him briefly, eyes slightly wide for a moment before his gaze once again slid away and he pulled his hand back slowly. There was a long stretch of silence and then he began to fiddle with the sleeves of his coat. "You know, I really like you."

The way it was said, Boyd could hear a 'but...' hanging in the air. "I like you too," he said, a little confused.

Ryan hesitated for a moment. "But I think you need to figure things out with Hsin before I even consider like... getting too invested."

Boyd blinked. Even if he had thought earlier that Ryan could consider this a date, even if in retrospect he could see there were some points that it even seemed like one, it was still surprising to realize that as far as he could tell he had just been dumped. It's not like they were going out, and even if he truly cared for Ryan he didn't really think of him that way.  However, being rejected when he didn't even know he was going for something was quite the startling feeling.  He didn't how to reply for a long moment. Even when he managed words they did not make a complete sentence, probably because he didn't quite know what he was trying to ask. "Ah," he said, a little off-balance. "Why- Sin...?"

Ryan spread his hands open, actually looking a little guilty. "Because I think there is something between the two of you that you are unwilling to admit to yourself, or even admit to yourself that he feels something for you too. I mean, just the way you talk about him-- you get this tone. This mildly affectionate tone and this look in your eyes. It's beautiful, Boyd, and I think you two should figure things out together."

Boyd stared at him, stunned silent. He did not know if he felt vulnerable, uncomfortable, or just surprised to hear his tone might change when he discussed Sin. But maybe he couldn't help it. Sin was different to him, he probably always would be. He was his partner, and someone he had taken the role to defend almost since they met. He was also someone Boyd was occasionally fascinated by, who would probably always be able to catch Boyd off-guard with knowledge or hobbies Boyd wasn't expecting from him, such as with Milton. Those alone would have accounted for any unconscious change in Boyd's mannerisms, but the main reason was something far deeper that Ryan likely did not understand and was attributing to something else.

After going a month or more feeling like he was scrambling for some hold, some reason to continue moving around as he did, and desperately needing someone he respected to acknowledge him, it was no wonder that Sin would warrant a change in tone. When Sin finally seemed to accept Boyd again, he was able to lay a lot of his doubts to the side. Added to that, through Boyd's protection of Sin, he was able to get some measure of acceptance out of his mother too. Even if it was a small favor on her part, the fact that she did something that helped Boyd was phenomenal to him. He was still shocked by it and sometimes found himself reviewing the conversation as if to verify it existed. It was all enough to change him from feeling like he had no hold on life to feeling stable again and Sin was at the center of it.

Logically, it would make sense if Boyd treated him differently when speaking of him, even if it was an unconscious change in tone. But... Affectionate? He didn't think that was the case so much as he was just... impressed, maybe, or affected. Even if there were other truths to the situation -- that he even thought about Sin sexually at times, that he would continue to defend him, that he enjoyed his company when they weren't arguing -- it didn't mean it built up to anything more than simply physical attraction and respect.

Boyd didn't really know what he felt about Sin other than that at the moment he was still thankful that Sin acknowledged him. He didn't think it was anything more, but then again Boyd was not always very adept at deciphering his own emotions and Ryan wouldn't lie to him. It was that knowledge that made him hesitate before he answered, that introduced confusion.

"I don't--" he started to say, then stopped and shook his head once to himself. But now that started him thinking, and the more he imagined, the more confused he was. Was Ryan insane? Sin and he couldn't even seem to properly communicate. One wrong word on either part and suddenly they hated or avoided each other, and even without all of Boyd's issues there was still the fact that he didn't know what Sin really thought. He brought one hand up to his forehead as if he had a headache. "He's not even-What makes you think it would even work?"

Ryan shrugged, spreading his hands open once again. "I don't know if it would work. I don't know if Hsin is capable of having a romantic relationship. I don't know anything for certain," Ryan admitted with a shrug. "All I know is that ever since you came around Hsin... well, I'd never really been friends with him before but I can tell now that he has changed and that he cares about you on some level and that added in with all of the other stuff, it just makes me think he has feelings for you, even if he's not really sure what they are yet. And even if it doesn't work, like, the fact that you two people who were so alone and so empty for so long caused such a difference in each other... well damn, I just think it's beautiful and there needs to be an effort made."

He paused in his mini rant. "He's not even what?" Ryan asked curiously, seeming to remember Boyd's aborted sentence.

"I don't know," Boyd said helplessly, feeling even more confused by the explanation. He slid his eyes closed, his eyebrow furrowing as he tried to think about this logically because emotions were entirely too unstable and confusing. "I was going to say 'interested.' I just don't see... He doesn't like being near people. Other than being a little less rude, he hasn't really changed much, has he? Why do you think he cares?"

Ryan gave Boyd a long, considering look. "Well, even if you totally ignore what got caught on camera between you two, there're still signs. Like the night he came to my apartment around Thanksgiving--He was so like, I don't know. He was so angry, so irate and it was all directed at the man who hurt you and Lou. And then other things, like when he started showing up to briefings and stuff-- the way he'd look at you and talk to you, even if he was just saying smart ass comments there was always this look on his face that would disappear as soon as he looked away. And-- and the way he defends you now, the way he looks out for you. I don't know-- just that added in with the stuff in France just makes me think that. I mean, I could be wrong, I could totally be talking out of my ass here, but you bring out the best in each other. And when you slept with someone else, suddenly the worst was brought out. Like-I don't know about this stuff! You should know more than me, I just think there's definitely something there. Even if it's not more than him wanting to sleep with you, there's still something there."

Ryan frowned. "And you say he hasn't changed much because... well, you didn't see what he was like before. Like I said I've always been his biggest defender but... he was scary before. I mean I never had much one on one contact with him but I read and saw every single bit of surveillance on him and before it seemed very likely that if you looked at him the wrong way, he'd cut your throat. He was downright terrifying and while I know he has his reasons for being that way, the way he seems now it's like-- totally different. He's still scary but not in that kind of nerve wracking way, you know?"

The more Ryan talked, the less Boyd understood any of this. It was too much information at once to process, so Boyd tried to grasp for the things he knew with any amount of certainty. Even if Ryan said he sounded affectionate when he spoke of Sin, even if Boyd was not entirely sure what he felt, he did at least know what he felt for Sin was not at the same level as what he felt for Lou. And he wasn't sure if he could say he loved Lou, but he thought he did. He knew for certain he felt affection for Lou, and he didn't think what he felt for Sin was even quite that.

So maybe it was the same for Sin? Boyd could see that it was possible Sin felt some physical attraction for him at times. He'd definitely had an erection that night in France, and it was true that recently Sin seemed interested in being physically near him but did that have to lend itself to anything deeper? Not at all. Sin seemed angry about the incident in France more because he thought Boyd was stupid to go to such lengths for an ideal he didn't believe in. And even if Sin was not the most studious of operatives in the missions, he at least did protect Boyd now. But that was his job. Again, it didn't necessarily mean anything but that he respected Boyd enough to defend him. And that respect alone took a hell of a lot of frustration and effort on Boyd's part to win back. If Sin cared about Boyd so much in that way, would he still be so distrusting even after everything that had happened? Besides, Boyd was defending Sin all the time, so maybe it was simply reciprocation.

As for any looks on Sin's face, Boyd didn't know what that could be. He also could not say what Sin was like before, but Boyd continued to disbelieve that his existence was what changed Sin. Instead, he thought it was time, circumstances, and Sin's choice, with Boyd if anything just being the excuse Sin needed to take a step in a new direction. As far as Jared went, that could have been nothing more than protectiveness of his partner during a time when they'd getting along particularly well. Just as Boyd thought Sin was attractive and defended him because no one else did, perhaps it was exactly the same for Sin. Although Boyd did not really find himself to be attractive, there was no accounting for others' tastes so it was possible that Sin just liked his looks, if that was even the case.

He couldn't imagine that it was what Ryan thought or implied. He couldn't imagine that anything was truly happening between them aside from a possible physical attraction, simply because Boyd was almost positive by now that he didn't really feel anything for Sin other than protectiveness and friendship, despite the fact that he thought his partner was very nice to look upon.

If Sin was so frightening before, how would anyone know how to gauge his positive reactions? If he never had friends, how would they know what he looked like when he had one? And if Boyd showed so few emotions, how could anyone possibly categorize one of his looks as something like affection? It had to be friendship. They were both such pathetically emotionally-stunted, alienated people that even the hint of friendship shown in their eyes became confused with something more. "I see," Boyd said finally.

Ryan shook his head as if he was reading Boyd's thoughts. "Well I can't make you believe so you'll figure things out on your own time. But until then, I dunno." He shrugged and stared into the water again. There was a long stretch of silence and after awhile Ryan smiled brightly again. "Thanks for bringing me out today."

Glad to be back on a topic that was less confusing, Boyd nodded. "Just tell me if you ever want to go again. Of course, if you are ever out on your own or with someone else, you should stop by Jezebel. She enjoys repeat customers."

Ryan shook his head and stood up slowly, trying to keep his balance on the debris. "I don't know... She was awesome but I don't know if I'll come out by myself yet." He seemed embarrassed to be admitting such a thing, and wrapped his arms around himself as a gust of wind swept by them. "I don't even have a way to get around, no car or anything."

"Perhaps plans for the far future, then," Boyd said easily, not seeming to think anything wrong of Ryan for not wanting to go alone. Turning, he held his arms out briefly to balance himself, and looked at Crater Lake one last time. The muted sunlight was failing slowly, and the bright colors from the moss were blending into the shadows. He truly had always loved the view, as ridiculous as that may be, and he found himself vowing to come back with a sketchbook sometime soon. It had been so long since he sat around drawing just for fun that he suspected he was probably terrible at it now. But he missed the solitude, and he missed creating works of art. The days of writing poetry and sketching the landscape did not need to be long gone, even if it felt like they were.

Glancing over his shoulder at Ryan, Boyd gave him a slight strangely encouraging smile, before he focused on sliding down the rubble pile. At the bottom he pivoted to wait for Ryan to catch up, his expression calm and unreadable, but not cold at all.

Ryan followed Boyd carefully, nearly stumbling twice but making it down safely. By the time he was down he was shivering and his teeth were chattering. It seemed that despite the heavy coat, Ryan's skinny frame did little to fend off the cold. His breath was coming a little faster and every time he exhaled, he did so with a wheeze. It was obvious that the cold air was finally getting to him; it was no wonder that he'd never been able to finish field training if the climate affected him this much. "I guess I should go back," He said, sounding disappointed.

"It has been a long day," Boyd said with a shrug. He watched Ryan closely then slipped his hands into his pockets and started at a brisk walk toward his car. "If you would prefer, my house is closer and you can warm up there first. I have tea, and I rather suspect you do not."

The chagrined look on Ryan's face quickly turned into another pleased smile. "That'd be awesome, Boyd."

They wandered back to the car and although they didn't speak much, it was a relatively comfortable silence despite the fact that both were still focused on the previous conversation. It seemed as though Ryan wanted to say something more than once, wanted to once again touch on his point about Boyd and Sin, but he didn't bring it up again.

Boyd randomly pointed out areas or things to note in the city as they drove back to his house and Ryan looked out the window like a wide eyed child. Despite the fact that the city was a mere shadow of the bustling metropolis it had been prior to both waves of bombings, Ryan looked at it all as though it was the most exciting thing in the world. Sometimes he seemed alarmed or saddened by groups of homeless people or scavengers picking through piles of rubble in less renovated areas and he'd comment briefly on how he could understand why people like that would hate the American government. It was a surprising comment; Ryan had spent his entire life on the compound, surrounded by people from the Agency, his defensive attitude over the government and the Agency was practically ingrained.

When they arrived at Boyd's house, Ryan seemed almost hesitant to go in. He seemed alarmed that he was actually at Vivienne Beaulieu's residence and kept looking around as if paranoid that she would suddenly show up. Despite Boyd's repeated insistence that she never came by anymore, that she didn't even pay rent anymore now that Boyd was gainfully employed, Ryan did not settle down until after they were seated in the warm kitchen as Boyd prepared Jasmine tea.

As they waited for the water to heat, Ryan did not appear in a rush to leave. They sat at the kitchen table talking about random topics and generally enjoying each other's company.

"But yea," Ryan was saying. "Those radiation shields your mom had installed are top notch-- probably on par with the ones around the compound. I wonder h--"

Boyd's cell phone rang before Ryan could finish his sentence but he continued anyway, as Boyd juggled the teacups he'd been carrying to pull the phone out of his pocket. He nearly dropped the cups and flipped the phone open without looking at who was calling. "Hello?"

"Hey."

Boyd blinked and glanced at Ryan quickly, almost guiltily. He was not expecting Sin to call, but on the other hand, who ever called his cell unless it was Sin or someone else related to the Agency? "Hi," Boyd said rather stupidly, not quite knowing what to say. He set the cups down before any damage could be done and stepped away from the table. Staring for a second at Ryan, he mouthed, 'Sorry,' and turned toward the stove to grab the pot of tea.

Shifting his hand on the phone, Boyd asked Sin mildly, "Is something wrong or are you just bored again?" He felt a little awkward with Ryan in the room right with him and it could be heard just barely in his tone. Right after they had that conversation about how Boyd dealt with Sin, now he felt self-conscious of his expression and voice, and couldn't help trying to analyze if he truly did sound different and, if so, why and what needed to be done to rectify it if it was undesirable.

"Bored." There was a pause. "You sound strange."

"Ah. You caught me off-guard." The awkwardness faintly remained and Boyd wished that he had taken his hair out of his ponytail before Sin called. If he did so now just to hide from Ryan's view, it would be too obvious. He felt almost vulnerable without the ability to tilt his head down and disappear behind a curtain of hair, and that alone was a little frustrating. Just because Ryan had to bring that all up at Crater Lake, now Boyd felt too self-conscious with them both able to hear him at once.

"What are you doing that requires you to be on guard?"

Sin said it slowly, curious and skeptical, and that made Boyd shake his head to himself. Turning around with the tea, he wondered why he had a bizarre urge to not mention the fact that Ryan was with him. Why did it matter? Ryan and Boyd were friends, and Sin was just Boyd's partner anyway, and even if Ryan had considered it to be a date it was obvious that he no longer wanted to pursue anything more than friendship. Grabbing the tea pot, he brought it back to the kitchen table and pulled Ryan's cup closer without looking at him. "It is just a phrase," he said a little more calmly. He hesitated just a moment before adding as he looked over at Ryan, "I am drinking tea with Ryan."

There was another brief silence. "Where?"

Ryan was watching with a small, knowing smile, and it only flustered Boyd a little more. He felt like a stupid teenage kid but he did not want to upset Sin after it took so long to be able to talk to him again. At least Sin sounded more confused than angry. "At my house," Boyd said, trying to look away from Ryan so he could sound more normal. He poured himself some tea as well. "He has not been off the compound so... Well, it is also cold out, so I brought him here to warm up."

"Ah." Sin's tone seemed distinctly amused for some reason and Boyd could practically hear his smirk. "Warming him up, eh?"

Although relieved Sin was not upset, he was not helping matters. If Ryan noticed how amused sometimes Boyd got when speaking to Sin he would comment on it and they would be back to the argument from before. Boyd did not realize until now that he had never been casually joking around both of them at once. He had no problems with one at a time, but it was probably also related to the fact that he had hidden his emotions for so long that the idea of showing one person what he acted like around another made him feel strangely exposed. Which was just stupid. So he tried to ignore it. "Well, you know how it is," Boyd managed to say with casual humor, even if he would not look up from his tea. "You pick someone up, show them around, they get cold. There are only so many things a person can do at that point, and most involve leading them to your house."

"Uh huh." Despite the fact that it was said with skepticism, it seemed exaggerated and it was obvious that Sin was joking. "Child molesters also lead sheltered little boys to their homes and most likely use that same excuse."

"I can't imagine who should be more insulted by that," Boyd said wryly, and this time he was amused enough by Sin's response that the awkwardness was completely gone. His shoulders relaxed and he stirred his tea as he looked up at Ryan with a slightly bemused expression. "Ryan, because you implied he is a child, or me, because apparently I am now a pedophile. Could you at least give me some credit? I would like to believe I do not need to rely on candy and naïveté to seduce anyone."

Ryan's eyes widened and he seemed ready to choke on his tea as Boyd waited for Sin to respond.

There was a long pause. "Don't worry," Came the drawling answer. "You don't." There was another brief pause and then before Boyd could think of a reply, Sin was telling him to get back to Ryan in the same amused tone and the connection ended.

Boyd raised an eyebrow and pulled the phone away to study it, as if he could find answers in the dial tone. "Well," he said, slightly amused, "I'm uncertain how to interpret that." Returning his attention to Ryan, he inclined his head slightly. "I apologize; that was rude of me. I should not have involved you in that conversation without your consent." More than anything, the formality seemed to be a slightly teasing byproduct of the good mood he now found himself in.

Ryan blinked at him in confusion although his lips were curled into a pleased smile. "What was that all about?"

"I've no idea," Boyd said, leaning back in his chair and warming his hands on the mug. "Occasionally he will call me when he is bored. He seemed amused that you were at the house, however, and told me to get back to you after teasing us."

The smile on Ryan's face widened slightly and regained the knowing quality. His eyes twinkled with amusement and he finished the rest of his tea. "That's cute," He said simply.

"Sin is?" Boyd asked before sipping his tea.

"No, both of you," He replied as he set his cup down. "The fact that he calls you when he's bored and that you two joke around like that. It's nice."

Boyd shrugged idly with one shoulder, though a trace of the casual amusement remained. "He just has no one to bother and I am apparently susceptible to inane conversations."

"Mmmm." Ryan nodded and it was obvious that he wanted to broach their previous argument but once again he held himself back. "Well pedophile, I have an appointment at 0600 hours so unless you plan to go through with your nefarious child molesting plans, I'm afraid I should go."

Boyd laughed softly into his cup of tea, looking at Ryan in mirth. "What, it that my new nickname?" he lamented. "There is no need to fear, though. I save the molesting for the second meeting. The first time is simply to get you addicted to my drug-laced tea."

Ryan blinked down at his tea owlishly. "That must explain why I am suddenly light headed." He narrowed his eyes at Boyd as he stood and stumbled around dramatically. "You fiend."

"Mm." Boyd raised his eyebrows and deadpanned, "My plans always succeed. I nominate myself to rule the world."

Ryan laughed and began putting his coat on. "Well even if it was poisoned, it was damn good tea." He looked incredibly happy and was practically beaming as they headed to the front door. "This day has been really awesome, Boyd. Thanks for everything."

"It was my pleasure," Boyd said cordially, but through the amusement there was sincerity. When the cold air hit Ryan, he noticed his sudden violent shiver. Used to being around idiots who never properly clothed themselves for the weather, Boyd automatically reached over and pulled Ryan close to him with one arm in order to share his body heat.

Ryan blushed and seemed as pleased as he was nervous. When he looked over at Boyd, though, there was a flash of guilt, as if sad that he thought Boyd loved him and he had to deny him.

Boyd pretended not to notice, and before either of them could comment on it they were already at the car. The ride to the compound was quiet and uneventful, and Boyd followed Ryan into his building just to make sure he did not get caught in the cold. After their goodbyes, Boyd felt the strange urge to stop by Sin's apartment to see what he was doing. But he had nothing to say and he felt that somehow Ryan would have won some unspoken challenge. So, ignoring the impulse, he left.

Continue to Ch 24 ~ Preparations