Chapter Forty

Convalescence

Uploaded on 8/20/07

The vast majority of the people who had visited or lived on the Agency compound were not aware that the headquarters of the Agency had once been one of the many locations of Johnson's Pharmaceuticals, an actual drug company. As the war hit the United States, illnesses and diseases had been rampant among the population, resulting in ample need for drug companies that could provide vaccinations, medications, and research. The CEO who oversaw Johnson's Pharmaceuticals prior to the first wave of bombs had a son in the government who happened to be one of the few people who was aware of the Agency when it was first conceptualized. He took over his father's multi-billion-dollar corporation and appropriated the compound for the headquarters of the Agency.

Due to the secretive nature of the Agency, the Johnson's Pharmaceuticals cover remained in tact and to whomever saw it, that is what they knew it as; a compound where many kinds of drugs were tested and manufactured, which made the extensive security unsurprising considering the nature of scavengers and crime after the war. As the large drug company grew in power and wealth, its locations became more susceptible to crime. Desperate people interrupted transportation of drugs, attacked their buildings, and tried to steal anything they could. When the Agency took over this compound in particular, it didn't seem at all out of place when they maintained an extreme level of high security and in fact wasn't much of a change (to outsiders) on how it had been run before. It lent perfect credibility to the cover because previously the compound truly had been used for a company that was still in existence; even now, if the Agency had to ship something in boxes, they would often use Johnson's Pharmaceuticals packaging.

The main building had once been the site of the administration offices of the company and the surrounding buildings on the complex had been used as factories and labs for testing and packaging. Since it was originally built during a time when tensions were high between countries and the threat of a nuclear war had been very real, the architects had included an underground tunnel system to be used as a shelter and means of escape in case the compound was ever bombed. The existence of the tunnels was the only reason the entire staff of the Agency hadn't died when the bombs had begun to fall. However, it was now relatively unused and many had forgotten about its existence.

Well, many people except Sin, anyway.

During his teenage years when he'd given very real thought to the idea of trying to escape the Agency, he'd come upon the tunnels while studying old plans of the building. Current blueprints of the compound omitted the existence of the tunnels and he hadn't seen the old plans in years so they could have been destroyed, giving even less reason for anyone who currently resided there to know about them considering the fact that more than 60% of the original staff had died due to radiation poisoning, lung disease or later attacks on the country.

There were hatches in the basements of several buildings that led to the tunnels and during the various times he'd sneaked off the compound, he'd used the one in the basement of an unused lab building to gain access to it. It was actually one of the only things about the Agency's security that he'd consider to be a breach; wiring leading to the tunnels had been destroyed during the bombings and proper surveillance had never been fully installed again afterwards. He didn't know if it was laziness or the assumption that no one remembered their existence that prevented the heads of the Agency from fully securing them, but at the moment he didn't care since it suited his interests well enough for it to remain that way.

He moved through the pitch blackness of the tunnel quickly, quietly, listening for anything out of place even as his eyes scanned the darkness. He imagined there had once been a lighting system set up but also due to the wiring, it no longer worked. Despite that, he could see surprisingly well in the gloom, even if that only meant making out the faint forms of rodents in the dark. It was strange but it seemed like the darkness helped him to focus, helped him to regain his bearings, and he wondered if they'd had to do surgery on his eyes for some reason, if that had possibly been the problem when he'd first woken up. Whatever the case was, he was slowly regaining his strength and he knew that the meal Carhart had provided him with was a large part of this renewed sense of energy.

Although he'd never been a fan of the General, it had always been because he didn't like the way the man scrutinized him and badgered him about his father but now... Now for some reason it was like he had a different perspective on the situation. Now he could truly appreciate the things Carhart had done for him, even if they'd been subtle. Now he truly appreciated the way Carhart helped him; the information he'd given Sin was invaluable. Without it, he would have spent hours trying to figure out what had become of his partner and in that time he would have likely been returned to his hospital room without ever contacting Boyd.

Boyd.

Six months.

He couldn't believe he'd been out for six months. More than that, he couldn't imagine what Boyd had been doing during that time. How had he reacted to the mental torture of the Fourth and the calm cruelty of Shane? If they really had used the video of Lou's death, had it shattered him and turned him back into the emotionless void he'd been before or had he broken down completely? What had he done during those months after his release? Had it been his choice to leave? Had he convinced his mother to let him go? But... why would he do that? Why would he want to leave the place he claimed that tied him to the only people he felt close to, felt loyalty towards?

Logically Sin knew that a simple answer to that was that of course he would want to leave after being subjected to the Fourth, of course he would never want to return. But as angry as it made him that they'd possibly put Boyd through that hell... it was hard for Sin to think in those black and white terms. To him, the Fourth was a natural part of the Agency, to him, it was something that had to be accepted because it was always an option, always a possibility if you fucked up badly enough. Boyd knew that. He had to. So why... Why would he leave the place that tied him to Sin? That allowed them to connect, communication, to just... be together?

Maybe... Maybe he was angry, maybe he blamed Sin for being punished, maybe...

He shook his head sharply. He had too many questions, too many concerns. His brain was whirring quickly, going at an impossible speed and he couldn't quite keep up with his own thoughts.

He just needed to talk to Boyd.

As doubt seeped into his brain, he stopped caring about caution, about stealth, and his feet began to splash noisily in the shallow water that coated the ground as he ran through the tunnel at an alarming speed. It seemed to go on forever and for a disturbing moment the confusion and disorientation returned and it seemed that the darkness had swallowed him up, that the tunnel had become a never ending maze and that he would never find his way out, that he would never find Boyd, never knew what had become of him, never find out if he still...

But then he saw the faint reflection of moonlight bouncing off water in the distance and he knew he was almost to the end.

The tunnel grew increasingly narrow and as the brightness of the moonlight intensified, the tunnel finally hit a solid wall. The only indication that there was a way out on this end was a ladder leading up towards what appeared to be a manhole cover, a black round disc faintly visible against the ceiling with pale moonlight streaming through the holes. He climbed the almost impossibly tall ladder quickly, not for the first time wondering just how far underground these tunnels were dug, and when he finally reached the top he felt around the cover and twisted it before he pushing it up. He pulled himself through the rather tight space and out of the tunnel as he looked around the familiar scenery.

The exit led to an enclosed area under an overpass in Silver Stream Park; a park which had once been one of the most beautiful spots in the city but now was rumored to be a barren wasteland where greenery refused to grow. It was actually blocked off by fences, warnings signs that the area still contained traces of radiation, but as Sin looked around and noted the beginnings of blossoms and leaves, not for the first time did he wonder if that had ever been anything more than a ruse manufactured by the government to keep this area closed off from the general public. He didn't doubt that the entire area had been contaminated at one point; although not all the bombs that had dropped were nuclear, the one that nearly wiped out this entire region certainly had been and that had led to both greenery and water being poisoned but at the same time, he had to note how convenient it was that this particular park was off limits considering it housed the secret escape route for the Agency.

He moved through the park swiftly, feet becoming thoroughly soaked by the winding stream, and found his way to the unofficial exit. It was nothing more than a space in the barred fence that was a few fragments of a few inches too wide, but he squeezed through it and found himself in the city. He got a sense of deja vu as he once again took this route to Boyd's house unannounced and uninvited; anxiety clawing at him the entire time he made his way there. And even though he was running with an almost inhuman speed, even though buildings and people went by him in a blur, somehow it still didn't seem fast enough.

When he finally reached Boyd's block, it almost struck him as much as it had the first time around. In a city that had fallen apart and drifted into a collection of ghettos following the war, a neighborhood like this was a rarity. Large houses with manicured lawns stood proudly, cars parked in driveways proved that families still lived there, people still thrived there. Now in the spring, the trees that lined the streets were full of leaves and it seemed like one of those picturesque places that he'd briefly seen in pictures, on TV...

But now wasn't really the time to marvel at that. He made his way to the pale tan-colored house third in from the right and as he moved to enter the front yard, it was painfully obvious to him that there were Agents watching him. He paused briefly and looked in the general direction the stares seemed to be coming from with a challenging raise of his eyebrows. Hopefully they knew better than to fuck with him unless they waited for backup.

He turned back to the house, taking in the fact that Boyd's car sat in the driveway looking dirty and untouched, as if it hadn't been driven in months. The house itself looked still, uninhabited, but despite that most of the curtains appeared to be open. The lights were all off and he couldn't hear or detect any movement inside. Weeds and overgrown grass dominated the front yard, standing out dramatically against the rest of the neighborhood, while the backyard was impossible to see beyond the tall wooden privacy fence. The landscaping and trees were overgrown and messy, with patches of brown in the grass where dead leaves had been encased beneath the snow and slowly disintegrated when spring had come. Although Sin had only been there once before, it hadn't looked like this. At the time, the house had been as perfectly composed as the rest on the block. Even though the house had been empty, it had somehow had a different feel than now; the entire home felt neglected in a manner that seemed unlikely for someone to actually be living there. Sin frowned slightly and moved silently through the grass, making his way to the front door as he knelt down and quickly, efficiently, picked the lock. It was as easy as it had been the first time around and when he slipped into the dark interior of the home, he reminded himself to give Boyd a stern talking to about the total lack of security in his house.

It was completely dark inside; the only light that made it in was the faint glow through the open windows from streetlights several houses down. Maybe it was because he'd been there before, but he could see a little better in the gloom than he would have expected. He glanced only briefly around, not really bothering to study the house but looking anyway just to be certain Boyd wasn't there. The living room had several large, open windows, affording him enough light to know at a glance that the room was untouched although a few of the cushions on the couch were moved out of place, the low-lying table nearby was at an angle as if it had been hit and a few of the pictures on the shelves near the television were knocked over. As he passed the kitchen he saw that it also looked relatively unused although a few dishes were in the sink, seeming as though they'd been there for a long time. The kettle was sitting at an odd angle at the back of the stove and only one of the chairs at the table was pulled out. The same dish towel he'd seen in the video with Louis, that Boyd had used to clean the blood from his face and hands, was crumpled on the ground collecting dust.

He didn't see or feel any sign of life in the house; it felt completely empty but the car sitting in the drive indicated that it wasn't. Even so, Sin's heart began to beat faster as he walked silently over the carpet and made his way to the room he'd assumed had been Boyd's the first time he'd come to the house.

The door stood open and although there were no sounds coming from inside, as Sin moved closer he knew that Boyd was there. His eyes focused on Boyd's familiar figure even before he stepped in the doorway and for some reason, he was momentarily struck speechless by the sight. He'd known that it'd been six months but still, he remembered Boyd as he had been the three days before the convention; red-haired and handsome, healthy and tanned. But now... he didn't really know if Boyd was awake or not but as he lay motionless on the bed, Sin couldn't help but notice that he was paler, thinner, that dark circles lined his eyes and that once again his hair was the usual pale blond but mixed with a dark brown.

He tried to speak, tried to think of something to say, but for some reason all he could do was stare.

There was a long, drawn out moment before Boyd seemed to notice he was there. His eyes slid open slowly, just enough for light to glint off them, but he watched Sin dully with an unchanging expression and didn't even bother to move. Sin's eyebrows drew together slightly and he moved closer, mouth curving down into a frown when Boyd didn't say a word.

At first Boyd just stared at him blankly, as if waiting for him to say or do something, but when they only ended up watching each other, he let out a weary sigh and covered his eyes with one arm. "What do you want?" he asked, his voice quiet and a little hoarse, resigned.

Sin froze for a moment, expression changing to one of disbelief but then he moved even closer, not stopping until he was right next to the bed. "What do you mean what do I want?"

"What do you think I mean," Boyd mumbled, barely a hint of voice, as if he could hardly bother to speak aloud. He said it more of a statement than a question but even so it was clear he thought Sin's question was stupid and he didn't bring his arm away from his eyes.

Disbelief morphed into incredulous irritation and Sin's eyes narrowed as he stared at him. The anxiety that had been building inside him, the doubts that had run through his mind, all came crashing down on him and his stomach twisted. "What's your problem?" He demanded sharply, reaching out and grabbing the front of Boyd's shirt, jerking him upwards so that he was forced to look up.

Boyd's eyes snapped open in absolute shock and for a moment he only stared at Sin, his heartbeat quickening enough that Sin could feel it against his knuckles, and this time when he was silent it seemed as though he was too surprised to speak. He searched Sin's expression in a mixture of disbelief and confusion, saying in a tone that seemed lost, "What..? You're--" His bewildered gaze traveled up to Sin's hair, the buzz cut he'd never had before, and his eyebrows drew down as he hesitantly reached up; the second his fingers brushed Sin's hair, his eyes widened and he jerked his hand away. He met Sin's eyes with a mixture of so many emotions that it was difficult to read any of them except fear and disbelief. "You're real?"

The scowl melted slightly and Sin let go of him and stood up straight, staring down at Boyd in something that looked like concern. What kind of question was that? What was wrong with him? "...Yes."

"You-- How..?" For a moment it seemed Boyd was still too astounded to do anything except push himself up on his elbows and stare. He searched every bit of Sin's face and body intently, as if searching desperately for something that, judging by his expression, he didn't see. An emotion that was too difficult to decipher passed through his eyes but then, abruptly, he snapped his gaze to the window and his expression closed off. He pushed himself up to sit in a slouch, running one slightly shaking hand through his hair to get it out of his eyes, then looked at Sin with something akin to wariness. "Why are you here?" He spoke quietly, nothing accusatory in his tone though it wasn't particularly welcoming either.

"Wh--" Sin stopped and shook his head slowly, green eyes darkened by the shadows in the room as he stared down at Boyd. "Why wouldn't I be here?" He asked softly.

"You're not--" Boyd almost seemed frustrated briefly before even that much emotion disappeared and he fell silent, studying him for a moment. When he spoke, his tone was reasonable but close to the remote quality of when they first met. "Because there is no reason for you to be here. I don't know... how you are still alive, or what they told you, but..." His eyes became entirely unreadable. "I am no longer with the Agency. I am no longer your partner."

Sin's lips parted slightly and his eyebrows drew together, something inside of him beginning to freeze over as his hands tightened into fists at his side. He didn't hide the confusion in his face. He didn't hide the fact that he didn't understand. "Why are you saying that to me?" He asked the question in the same quiet tone, eyes burning with some strange emotion as he stared Boyd directly in the face. He didn't know what he'd expected from Boyd-- he didn't know what he'd thought this reunion would be like, but this definitely was not it. He didn't know what to feel, how to react, what to say, so he just stood there and waited, waited for... something to happen.

"I haven't been with the Agency for months, Sin," Boyd said calmly, either not noticing Sin's confusion or not reacting to it. "I can't imagine you left the compound with permission so you are likely just endangering yourself by being here. It's... good to see you are alive, but there's no reason for you to stay. You should go back before they come for you."

Sin's eyes narrowed again, brow furrowing even deeper and he shook his head slightly. Why was he being this way? Why was he talking to him like... "So since you're not with the Agency anymore, there's no need to see me," He said flatly.

Boyd watched him for a moment, his expression turning a little cool. "Go back," he repeated simply. "I've seen you, you've seen me. There is no other reason for you to be here; you're just wasting your time."

Ice seemed to seep through his veins, continuing to freeze his insides, his defensive walls desperately trying to rebuild even as he felt something crack and shatter within him. He dropped his eyes, unable to meet Boyd's cold, emotionless stare anymore and he focused on the carpet, not really seeing it as memories flashed through his mind once again. But he didn't want to see. He didn't want to see them together in Monterrey, he didn't want to see Boyd smiling at him, he didn't want to remember falling asleep next to Boyd, confiding in him, wanting him, being so fucking open with him... he closed his eyes briefly, gritting his teeth. Maybe he'd imagined it all, maybe it hadn't been real, maybe it was some fucking extended coma-induced dream that had seemed so real, so fucking real he'd actually thought that for a few months he'd really been alive. "Why are you being this way?"

The coolness of Boyd's glare could be felt even without Sin needing to look over at him. "Because I want to be," he said coldly, something almost like anger intensifying his tone. "Why are you still standing there? Do you not understand English anymore? I told you to leave. I don't want you here, I don't want you to ever come back. Go to the Agency, forget about me, forget about this place. I want you to leave. Or are you just going to stand there until they come looking for you?" The last comment came out almost derisive, as if Sin was a child too incompetent to find his own way home.

Sin opened his eyes but he didn't look up and this time his face slowly drained of emotion until it was perfectly blank. The anger he would have normally felt, the indignation, the need to lash out, seemed like something far away, unattainable, and something he'd never really felt before seemed to be taking the place of those needs. A pain he couldn't quite describe, couldn't quite explain, wound its way all the way from the pit of his stomach to his chest and settled there; every other feeling gave way to nothingness, emptiness, a void where he had fleeting memories of pleasure, happiness.

Had it been real? Had he really felt some sense of comfort? Of belonging? Of peace? It didn't seem possible now, not with the cause of those feelings staring at him with that expression, talking to him in that tone, saying things that hurt so fucking much...

And he wanted to turn around and leave. He wanted to walk away. He wanted to forget. He didn't want to remember having been so weak, so needy, so fucking foolish to think that he'd had someone finally, that he was someone finally, that anyone cared about him, wanted him, fucking accepted him, but he couldn't forget and even if it'd been fake, he couldn't fucking forget and now he had to go back, he had to go back to being-- to not feeling-- to not...

But he knew it wasn't possible anymore. He wouldn't. He couldn't. Not after finally knowing what it felt like to be alive. Not after finally knowing what it could be like if he was around someone who treated him like a real living, breathing human; not after having lived, for months, a life he hadn't thought possible for someone like him, someone who had been ostracized and dehumanized since the day he'd stepped foot into his father's home. For once he'd known what it felt like to live like a normal man and not just a killer, not just a walking weapon that was used by everyone and feared because of what he was capable of. He'd lived that life for twenty years and somehow Boyd, their friendship, their brief escape from the real world, had convinced him that maybe it didn't have to always be that way, maybe he didn't always have to feel that way. And now... Now Boyd was just throwing it away. He was taking that little spark of hope that he'd given Sin and not only stomping on it, but mocking it. And Sin just didn't know what he was supposed to feel. What he was supposed to think.

All he knew right now was that he couldn't go back to that. He wouldn't go back to that. Not now that he knew that for a brief period, he'd finally realized that it didn't have to be that way; that there could be more. "Are you sure?" He asked in the same quiet tone, still not looking up.

"I wouldn't be saying it if I wasn't."

There was a brief silence, a tension that stretched between them, and then Sin finally looked up at him. His face was perfectly blank, eyes void of any feelings as he said, "Fine," with a finality that almost gave away his intentions.

Almost too fast to see, his arm dangled at his side then suddenly moved to his back in a blur of motion. The moonlight made the steel glint and the familiar cocking of a gun seemed to echo in the otherwise silent room. Sin didn't drop his eyes as he lifted the gun quickly and for a portion of a second it was unclear what he planned to do, but without hesitation he turned the gun on himself, full lips parting as his finger found the trigger.

Boyd realized what was happening when he saw the barrel of the gun heading toward Sin's mouth; his eyes abruptly widened a fraction of a second before he threw himself at Sin, all his weight hitting him. He shoved Sin's hand to the side violently just as the gun went off, the bullet missing Sin's head by mere centimeters, the crack of the gunshot loud in their ears. Sin slammed onto his back on the floor and Boyd fell on top of him, clutching the gun and Sin's hand painfully, keeping it aimed safely off to the side. He breathed heavily and stared at him with an expression that was wild with a mixture of alarm, desperation, and something that almost seemed incredulous. At first he seemed too shocked to be able to say much other than, "Wh-- What are you-- Why..?"

Sin's eyes were closed, face expressionless even as his mouth set into a thin line. He didn't move, didn't respond for several long moments and although his hand remained open, slack, his fingers twitched around the gun. His muscles were tensing as though he wanted to throw Boyd off him and finish what he'd started but he didn't do anything. "It's what I want," He finally said flatly.

Boyd stared at Sin as if he was still trying to comprehend the situation, but the answer he received only served to increase the emotions already present. His fingers tightened even further on Sin's hand and the gun and he shook his head, alarm and frustration intermingling in his expression and voice. "That doesn't-- What? Why would you want that?"

There was no response for a moment but then Sin opened his eyes and locked gazes with Boyd. He opened his mouth to answer but his lips trembled slightly, eyebrows drawing together as he abruptly turned his face away from Boyd, masking his expression in the shadows. "What do I have to live for if I go back to the way everything was before?" He asked quietly, voice low and thick, controlled and emotional at the same time. His hand twitched again as if he was fighting the urge to lift the gun but he never finished the motion as if he wouldn't do it with Boyd so close to him and the weapon.

"What are you talking about?" Boyd asked, his voice growing a little louder in contrast to Sin's quieter tone. "You're not-- You--" Confusion joined the frustration and he looked down at the gun abruptly, as if paranoid that Sin would suddenly use it on himself before he could be stopped. "Give me the gun," he demanded, yanking on the weapon.

Sin didn't let go and Boyd just pulled harder, trying to pry his fingers away while keeping it safely aimed away from the both of them. They struggled briefly over it, Sin's hands still gripping the gun, but the moment he realized Boyd wasn't going to give up, he relaxed his hand, not wanting to unintentionally injure Boyd with their hands scrabbling so close to the trigger, and Boyd yanked it out of his hand. Within seconds, he had released the magazine and tossed it one way before he threw the empty gun in another. He stared after where the gun had skittered across the floor and hit the wall, his eyes narrowed, expression dark. He sat back, almost straddling Sin; the tension in his body was obvious from the way he held himself but at the same time he seemed to be shaking slightly, his chest moving quickly from exertion. "Wh--" he started, turning intense eyes on him. "Sin, I don't understand you. You've always-- After everything, you always had something to live for, so why--? Why now?"

"I always had something to live for?" Sin asked, looking back at Boyd with an expression that seemed a mixture of incredulity and outrage. Had Boyd been pretending to understand him all this time or was he just stupid? Did he have a fucking selective memory?

"What the fuck did I have to live for, Boyd? Being at the mercy of Connors and Vivienne and everyone else in that fucking place? Being forced to kill decent people just because they went against America's best interest because we're obviously the only fucking country in the world that matters? Being locked in a box and a fucking apartment full of cameras which is just a bigger fucking version of that box where I couldn't fucking sleep or do anything but sit in a corner and wait for the next day to start so it can be the same shit all over again?" He scoffed in disgust, glaring up at Boyd. "Or maybe you meant the fact that every fucking person that looked my way treated me like a fucking animal that needed to be controlled? And I had nothing else so I didn't know there was anything else so I just fucking went along thinking that was the way shit was and that was the way it would always be, that was the way it was supposed to be, because that's what they fucking told me for my entire life."

Boyd leaned back further, he seemed upset although his tone remained frustrated. "It doesn't-- I didn't--" He grit his teeth and looked away suddenly. "But when you came here, you were fine, you didn't seem like you wanted to kill yourself, you seemed..." Boyd looked at him again, eyes narrowed. "So, what... Why the hell--?"

Sin's face only grew darker, angrier. "Are you fucking stupid? Get off me." He shoved Boyd away from him violently and sat up straight. "Is it really that difficult for you to connect the dots or is it just easier for you to act like a selfish fuck if you play dumb?"

Boyd's expression was frustrated, almost angry, but there was another emotion that was growing that almost seemed pained. "I'm not playing dumb, I just didn't expect you to do that."

"Then what did you expect? What do you want me to do? I'm not--" Sin broke off abruptly and grit his teeth, swallowing hard as he tried to look away, tried not to let Boyd see the way he was starting to lose all shreds of control, but he couldn't. And to his amazement, the overwhelmingly powerful emotions that he was feeling, the complete disbelief that after everything, after he'd gone so far down a path he'd never been on for Boyd-- with Boyd-- he was being discarded, that someone he was so close to, he felt so strongly for, was just another person who decided to write him off. It made his chest tighten, his throat close up and suddenly everything looked blurry. "I don't want to go back to the way I fucking was, I don't want to go back to being alone and and having to be a fucking emotionless killer, I don't want to pretend that I don't--" He stopped again and realized with a vague sense of humiliation that he was about to display the ultimate form of human weakness. "I can't do it without you," He blurted out. "I won't."

Boyd seemed shocked and couldn't look away from Sin's eyes; the redness and the way they shone with unshed tears, how miserable he looked. The coldness and frustration seemed to drain out of him; it was replaced by confusion and disbelief as he searched Sin's face and seemed to truly understand that he was being genuine. At the realization, his expression shifted and the obvious distress mingled with fear. "What," he started, his voice falling quieter. "You... No," he shook his head and leaned back as if to avoid Sin's words, though the pained look in his eyes only increased, "I don't-- You can't-- It can't be that way anymore. You'll... find someone else."

It was like the words made something in Sin snap and suddenly he was on his feet and grabbing Boyd by the neck, dragging him up and slamming him against the wall with a force that caused the ceiling light to shake. He barely even registered that Boyd's eyes widened, that his hands jerked as if he was about to bring them up but he didn't move them, didn't touch Sin or resist at all. Sin was lost in uncontrollable anger coursing through him, feeding an old need for violence that hadn't surfaced in such a long time that it seemed like that dark part of him was hissing with a phantom voice, telling him to hurt, to destroy the being that was causing him these startling, unbridled feelings, that was threatening the thin thread of sanity that had thickened and stabilized over the past year. And for a moment he wanted to listen; for a moment he wanted nothing more than to pound his fist into Boyd's face until he realized why that was such a fucking stupid, hurtful thing to say, until he realized how selfish he was being, how fucking, how incredibly--

A growl of frustration escaped him and his hands tightened violently. "Then why did you do this to me?" Sin shouted, eyes flashing with the kind of black fury that usually led to something wilder, something more out of control. He was breathing hard, not even trying to hide the fact that he was crying, not even trying to mask the frustration and hurt as his fingers dug into Boyd violently. "Why did you fuck my head up and fucking make me believe it was okay to act like-- to fucking feel like a normal human if you were just going to drop me when things got too fucking hard for you to handle? Why did you lie to me?" His voice wavered and he looked down abruptly, at last making some vain effort to hide the shameful tears that tracked down his cheeks even as he continued to pin Boyd against the wall. "I wish I could hate you. God, I wish I could fucking kill you for doing this to me. Why couldn't you just leave me alone if it was going to be this way?"

Boyd couldn't seem to respond at first; he stared at the tears in shock and, after a moment, brought his hands up to shakily curl around Sin's wrists. "I-- I didn't lie to you..."

Sin jerked his hands away from Boyd's touch and released him abruptly, letting the other man drop to his feet where he slumped against the wall. He turned his back on his partner, his former partner, and covered his face with his hands, trying to regain his composure, trying to get himself under control. He knew he couldn't hurt Boyd, even as much as he wanted to at the moment, he knew it just wasn't possible. But that craving, the anger, it was tearing at him and making it hard to control and he had to stop himself before he really did give in, before Boyd pushed him too far in that direction, until there was no going back.

"You did," He said after several long moments of tense silence, after he'd finally regained complete control over himself, after he'd quited down the phantoms and the anger and realized that if he wasn't rational, calm, something bad really would happen and that there would be no going back. But now... now he just felt exhausted. "You said you wouldn't give up and you have." His voice was flat and completely devoid of all of the emotions he'd previously shown.

Guilt flashed through Boyd's eyes and he fell quiet, watching Sin's back before he started to take a step forward, then stopped and looked away. "I didn't give up," he said after a moment. "Not on you."

Once again, there was a long stretch of silence. Sin remained faced away from him and even though he finally dropped his hands, he continued to stare at the floor blankly. He didn't even know how to respond when everything that was happening seemed to point to the contrary. At this point he just felt incredibly tired. Tired of dealing with this, of arguing, of having to fight for something that shouldn't require a battle. Tired of not knowing where he stood, not knowing what was going on, tired of feeling so much, just tired of existing in such a confusing fucking mess of emotions. The weariness, confusion... it just put him at a complete loss. Maybe it was better before he'd had emotions. Before he'd figured out that he could actually give a damn about anyone. "Then what do you call this? What do you call the way you're acting? You told me to get out, that there was no reason for you to see me anymore because we're not partners. You just--" He stopped and shook his head. "Don't play this game with me again. Don't act like I should know what you're thinking when your actions and words are saying something entirely fucking different."

At first Boyd didn't say anything. He stepped forward and stopped right behind Sin, lifting one hand to hover over his shoulder, hesitating a moment before he touched him. Sin tensed and Boyd withdrew his hand immediately, remaining quiet before he released a frustrated breath. "I didn't want to have to talk about this," he admitted finally, quietly. "I wanted you to leave immediately because you shouldn't be here. It's hard enough to believe you're really here and you're okay, and I'm not just... That this isn't some illusion in my mind or extended dream. That you're actually alive. I almost think-- how can I believe that after everything they said? It seemed impossible I would ever see you again, that... I'm not just insane, or dreaming this."

He paused briefly before he wrapped his arms around his stomach and tilted his head toward the ground. "I thought all along that even if by some twist of fate you actually lived, if you didn't flat-line again... I still thought you'd hate me and never want to see me again. It's not that I gave up on you. It's that if you're here, you're not safe. At the very least, they'll come for you. They're watching, they'll know you're here. You could get in trouble and they could take you away. I doubt you received permission to leave the compound, so your very presence here is a risk that's not worth taking. I swear I don't mean to hurt you, it's just... There's no point to this. It's better for you to go."

Sin opened his eyes but he didn't turn around, still didn't look at Boyd. He just stood there for a moment before finally moving to sit on the edge of the bed, leaning his elbows on his knees so that he could put his head in his hands. He had a throbbing headache and once again it was becoming difficult to see straight. The edges of his vision were dimming and spots danced before his eyes, making it impossible to focus entirely. He rubbed his temples idly, trying to gather his thoughts, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do now and not coming up with a very good answer. "I can't even..." He trailed off for a moment and winced, gritting his teeth as the pain intensified. "I honestly have no idea what you're talking about, Boyd. Why are you even saying this? I don't understand what any of this has to do with anything. Who cares if they're watching? You think I'm afraid of that? Have I ever been afraid to leave the compound before? I don't understand why you're being this way or why you're saying the things you're saying. I don't understand why you'd assume for some reason that I would hate you or how being here makes me unsafe. It just doesn't make sense to me and you're still not even really telling me what you're problem is. I'm just so fucking tired and right now I just want to give up on everything. Right now I wish I'd stayed in the fucking coma. Just tell me why you think I should stay away from you, why it's 'better for me'."

"No, don't say that, I..." Boyd hesitated again as if arguing with himself, as if trying to remain silent but he couldn't seem to stop. He knelt in front of Sin and rested his hands on either side of his thighs although he still did not touch him. He watched, searching Sin's expression intently, as if looking for something. He must have found what he was looking for because he said suddenly, sincerely, "I'm sorry." It seemed as though he hadn't quite meant to say that aloud, but once the words were in the open he couldn't help explaining. "I'm such a--" His eyes glinted and he stopped, dropping his eyes to stare at Sin's knees before he tried again. "Sin, I know it was all my fault, I know I fucked up and I don't know how to make it up to you. I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am, how much I regret it. I swear to you I didn't mean what I said, that you actually-- deserved that--"

His fingers dug into the covers at the thought and he tilted his head down further. Sin didn't speak, didn't respond, and so he continued. "And I'm so sorry for abandoning you, for fucking with your trust like I did. For letting that happen when I was in the same fucking city and I should have been there for you, but I wasn't. You always came back for me, but I didn't for you. I just... left. Because I'm so fucking selfish with you, just like I was with Lou, I just-- I always take so much and I'm so incapable of giving anything back, and I don't know how not to be this way, I don't know how not to hurt you anymore. I did the same thing with him, I'll do the same thing again. I just can't be the reason you die again, I can't--" He stopped abruptly again and looked up at Sin with slightly narrowed eyes. "But don't say that. All this time if I had just one wish, I wanted you to be alive, I wanted you to be okay. So... Please don't wish you were still in the coma. Please don't give up."

Sin continued to sit on the edge of the bed with his face turned away and when he finally moved his hands, he just stared down at the comforter in silence.

He didn't know how to respond. Even if he kind of understood now that Boyd's attempt to push him away was out of some strange, misguided guilt over what had happened, it was obvious he hadn't actually changed his mind over anything. He was still basically saying the same thing; that they shouldn't be around each other anymore and that it was for his own good.

His own good.

What a joke. Taking away the one thing that had ever made him feel like a real human being was for his own good? He didn't see the logic in it at all. He didn't see the logic in anything that was happening. He didn't understand why Boyd was blaming himself for something that he wasn't involved in, that he hadn't caused and although Sin had been incredibly angry over Boyd's attitude regarding his desire to save a civilian, he'd never once during the entire ordeal that followed blamed Boyd for any of it. The comparison with Lou confused him but it in a way, it made sense. Boyd had always wrongly blamed himself for what had happened with Louis and if Sin was right about what they'd used on the Fourth, it wasn't unlikely that Shane had beat all of this shit into Boyd's head. It made him angry. Incredibly angry. The fact that Boyd had been on Fourth made him feel sick in general but the fact that they'd most likely used that video, had probably tried to draw parallels between the mission and Louis' death to make Boyd believe it was all his fault, made it even worse. But once again, it wouldn't be surprising. Even if Shane got his hands dirty every so often, mind games were his specialty.

"Why would you ever think any of that was your fault?" He finally asked slowly, voice still quiet even if it wasn't as listless.

"Because I just left you," Boyd said, seeming frustrated and angry with himself. "I didn't return, I didn't even think to just wait a few minutes for you. I was so stupidly jealous and I let that affect my reason. I shouldn't have even changed to Plan B in the first place; there was no reason for it and you weren't pleased with the decision. I should have realized at that point that I was being illogical. You were my partner, your wellbeing and opinion should have mattered more than jealousy. Instead, I let those feelings affect my judgment and I lashed out, I said such cruel things I didn't even mean just because I was angry. If I'd done anything to account for the change of plans, if I'd looked for you sooner or insisted on meeting up with you as I should have, it may have been different. I have no idea how they managed to catch you, but it's entirely possible my presence could have stopped it. You always came for me, but I... When I had the chance, I didn't return the favor. Just because it was Jessica. If it had been anyone else, it would have been different. But she just made me so angry; I hated her, and it made me illogical. I let those feelings influence my decisions and that decision caused you to be tortured and... and killed. You trusted me, but when my actions mattered so much, I betrayed you." The last part came out quietly.

Sin finally sat up straight and looked over at Boyd, eyebrows drawn together and expression a mixture of confusion and surprise. He didn't know if Boyd's decision had been the ultimate deciding factor in what had happened and regardless, he didn't feel the need to put the blame on him entirely even if it turned out that it was partially true. It had been Sin's decision to help Jessica, neither of them had known that she'd unknowingly had a connection to Janus, and even if Boyd had been there it was possible that both of them may have been captured instead of just him. No one could say for sure how things would have been differently and he wasn't going to start making assumptions when there was really no way to know for sure. But at the moment the thing that stood out the most to him was the fact that Boyd's reaction had all been based on his dislike of Jessica. "That's why you acted that way? Because you were jealous?" He demanded. "Are you serious?"

Boyd fell silent for a moment. "Yes."

Sin shook his head, totally mystified. "So if it'd been anybody else you wouldn't have acted that way?"

"I don't know." Boyd paused then let out a breath. "Probably not. I would have been... thinking more clearly."

"You just--" Sin had to stop himself and once again look away. The information didn't mollify the anger that he'd felt about Boyd's reaction; if anything, it only made it worse. The fact that Boyd had been angry only because of his own jealousy just made him seem petty. It made the entire thing seem all the more fucked up because in essence, Boyd was basically saying that he'd wanted him to kill this woman even though it was easily avoided, just because for some reason he didn't like her. He'd basically told Sin to do the thing that he'd scorned Connor for doing; killing an innocent person for his own personal reasons and gain. It was hypocritical, petty, and it made a part of Sin want to punch Boyd in the face for being such an asshole.

He took a deep breath and tried to control the anger that was building inside him once again. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore it but as soon as he did the image of Jessica's blank, staring eyes assaulted him. Once again the flashbacks attacked him unrelentingly and his hands curled into fists as he saw Jessica's body slamming against the concrete, as he saw McCall beginning to slump in his chair, eyes going glassy and the Italian Prime Minister's blood spraying all over her children.

His hands curled into fists and he swallowed convulsively, eyes snapping open because he just didn't want to see anymore; it was too much. For some reason he didn't feel like he was totally in control. He couldn't control his own thoughts, his actions, his outbursts-- he didn't know what was wrong with him and he just wanted it to stop. To fucking stop. He didn't want to see his past anymore but with Boyd sitting there telling him that he'd wanted Jessica dead for such a ridiculous reason-- it was hard to not think about the other innocents he'd killed for Connors' agenda. "Do you know who you sounded like?"

"The Agency," Boyd said quietly after a moment.

"You sounded like Connors," Sin corrected him flatly, still not looking over. Even so, he could tell Boyd stiffened at the name. "You sounded just like Connors whenever he slides a folder across his desk with a name in it, when he tells me to do his dirty work and take out some random person who hasn't really done anything wrong just because they're complicating his agenda."

Boyd drew away, sitting back on his heels and dropping his hands into his lap. He didn't seem to know what to say to that at first, so it was a few seconds before he said softly, "I'm sorry."

"Just forget it. I didn't come here for this." And he hadn't. But it'd made him so angry before and hearing Boyd's reasoning just exacerbated it, made him want to tell him exactly how it made him feel. It wasn't even really about Jessica. It was about Boyd telling him he was human, telling him he shouldn't have to be anyone's tool, puppet, and then completely going back on those words when it came down to what was in his own best interest. The fact that he'd been jealous in the first place was confusing. Had he mistakenly thought that Sin's comments about how he wished he could stay in Monterrey had meant that he somehow preferred the people there over Boyd? That he wanted to stay there and be with them? That he wanted to replace Boyd in some way? He supposed if that was the case it was somewhat understandable; he'd felt that way when Thierry had been in the picture. After the birthday incident Boyd had basically shut him out and his behavior in France soon after had only served to emphasize that fact. Seeing Boyd being so open and friendly with a complete stranger when he had barely exchanged two words with Sin for weeks had been a slap in the face, especially since the idea of friendship had still been very new to him at that point. But even then, it still didn't make sense in this case. The night of the party he'd told Boyd repeatedly that he was the only one he could ever trust so he didn't see why Boyd would misunderstand in that way.

However, regardless of how wrong he thought Boyd was, it still didn't mean he ever blamed him for everything else that had happened. It also wasn't something that he really wanted to get into now since it would probably only further lead Boyd to believe that they should stay away from each other. "I was upset because you told me to kill the woman but I never once blamed you for what ended up happening. It wasn't your fault. No one could have known how things wound up. When I woke up I wasn't angry about that. I was fucking worried because I had no idea what ever ended up happening to you or if you even escaped okay."

"I was fine. I escaped. It would have been pathetic if I left you there and got caught anyway," Boyd said, something almost bitter in his quiet tone. The bit of his expression that was visible behind his choppy hair showed that Sin's words were probably replaying through his mind. The comparison to Connors seemed to really get to him; there was a certain sense of tension in his body and voice and even though he hadn't been looking at Sin very much during their conversation, now he especially seemed to be avoiding any eye contact. "And after--" There was a slight catch in his words, as if he almost said something else, but then he continued, "I returned to the Agency, I've been here. So there's nothing to worry about."

Sin glanced at Boyd again, eyes intense and jaw clenched. "Well apparently there is still something to worry about. Things are just a different kind of fucked up now. I just don't know what you expect me to do now. I don't know what you want from me because what you're telling me to do is not going to happen."

Boyd let out a long breath and brought one hand up to rub wearily at his eyes. "I don't see why it won't; I don't understand why you won't just listen to me. All I want is for you to be alright. I don't want you to be hurt. I want you to live and be happy. But, I can't just... I don't understand why you're making excuses for me when I'm responsible. I fucked up too much this time for even you to survive. Someone who could make it through so many things, who never died despite everything, who's stronger than anyone I've ever met... All it took was my poor decision to kill you. My fuck up made the situation so hopeless that even Connors, who uses people relentlessly despite any detriment to their health, finally gave up on you."

His hand dropped to the bed again. "So... I don't see how you can not blame me. How many missions have you been on, how many dangers were you in, and you lived and were fine? Yet all it took was one fucking year of knowing me to kill you twice in two weeks, to cause everyone to give up. To make you go through so much, and for what? For my moment of irrationality? For my stupidity? How is that excusable in any manner? It's just..." He tilted his head down further as his voice grew more somber. "It's all in my mind, even if I want it not to be; not that there's a reason I should ever be allowed to forget. There was nothing good about me at the time; as a person, as a friend, as an agent. So I don't know what you want me to say. I shouldn't be excused for this, I shouldn't be forgiven. I can't forget what happened, I can't let it happen again. I can't suddenly stop regretting. I can't just... let go."

"You can't just let go?" Sin's eyes narrowed into a glare and for a moment he was so aggravated that he didn't even realize that Boyd was saying he'd apparently flat-lined more than once. "You can't let go of something I don't even blame you for, yet you can so easily let go of our friendship? That's really great." He shook his head in aggravation and disgust with the entire situation. "You're taking credit for a lot of shit that you really didn't have much to do with. I got caught because--" He stopped abruptly and shook his head. For some reason he couldn't bring himself to mention what had happened with Jessica at the moment. He didn't want to risk Boyd saying something-- doing something, that would anger him further regarding the situation. Not when he had such immense fucking guilt over what had wound up happening. "That whole assignment was bullshit, that whole assignment seemed to be some kind of fucking trap and the only person to blame is Thierry or whoever provided him with that information. I don't understand why you insist on putting all of this shit on your shoulders-- it's the same thing you always do with Louis and it's making even less sense to me now than it ever did when it came to him."

Sin ran a hand across his face, trying to calm himself before speaking again as he stared out the window blankly. He knew that agents were probably all over the property after hearing the gunshot but he also knew that without specific instructions, they would never just barge into the house. "And as far as me almost dying? Being in danger? It's what I do, Boyd. I'm a hitman. Do you know how many times I've been close to death? Do you know how many times I've fucked up assignments because I've gone outside the parameters and got myself in situations that I almost didn't escape from? It doesn't bother me-- I'm used to it. I'm fucking immune to it. It's who I am. Do you really think my life is going to end in any other way than on a mission? I don't. And as far as Connors giving up on me-- If he'd given up on me he wouldn't have taken the time and the money to get me back into working order." Sin looked at Boyd again and hesitated briefly before continuing. "I know things have been fucked up for you in the past several months but don't... don't let whatever happened to you after you came back be the deciding factor in what happens between us now and in the future."

"It's not that I don't realize that being an agent inherently puts you in dangerous situations," Boyd said, shaking his head once. "I understand that very well. Any mission at all, especially in our line of work, means placing ourselves in enemy territory. I'd be an idiot not to realize that. But there's a difference between something that occurs simply because of the job, and something that happens because of me. If I made the decisions that resulted in the outcome, then it... changes the situation." He paused, looking up at Sin. "There's also a difference between fucking up or getting hurt, and actually dying. It's different if it's an enemy who results in getting you killed. But if it's someone you... trusted, then it changes things. It's not that I want to let go of... our friendship, that I'm choosing this over you. It's that I can't help feeling the way I do, regardless of if you agree. The idea of making such mistakes..."

His eyes narrowed and he seemed to be trying to make sense of what was in his mind. Sin opened his mouth to protest, eyebrows drawing together as he shook his head in denial of what Boyd was saying, but before he could get a word in Boyd was speaking again, seeming to have dismissed what he was going to say. "This is how I feel, Sin. Even if you tell me you vehemently disagree, it's not suddenly going to change. Even if you tell me to stop, I can't. Whether or not it makes sense to you, whether or not it even makes sense to me, is inconsequential. I can't just..." He looked away, seeming troubled. "I can't just forget or ignore it now that it's here, in my mind. It won't go away."

"Well I think that's fucking bullshit," Sin snapped angrily. "I think you coming to this decision just because you're afraid is fucking stupid and cowardly and selfish. You're not the only one involved in this. It's not just you who gets affected. You can go back to wandering around this house in silence and you'll be just fine because you've done it before, you'll get used to not giving a shit again, but I'm fucked now, Boyd. Do you get that? I'm fucked. I'm different now and I can't just go back to the way shit was before because now I know things can be better, that I can be... that I can feel happy-- normal, that I don't have to be fucking alone all the time in an existence that sucks. And just because you're afraid, you're taking that away after you're the one who fucking showed me, told me, that I could be that way. I think you should have fucking stayed away from me and let me be the way I was and not talked all of that bullshit to me about how I am normal and how I can be different and how it was okay, if you were going to fucking abandon me after everything changed. It's not fucking fair. I fucking-- I fucking need you now," He spit out the words as if they burned his tongue. "I don't care about anything that happened. I don't fucking care. I just want things to be like--"

He broke off abruptly, shaking with barely concealed anger and looked away, breath coming fast once again. It took several long moments to regain his composure but when he did he spoke with the same flat tone he'd used previously. "Just forget it. I'm not going to sit here and beg you. I'll give you what you want if you want it that bad."

There was no immediate response and Sin silently picked up the gun from where it had been thrown. He grabbed the magazine which had fallen closer to Boyd and ignored how tense the other man seemed as he stared silently at the floor. Shoving the clip back in the gun, Sin held it at his side as he walked out of the bedroom with a sense of finality and headed down the hall. His posture no longer resembled anything close to his Jason Alvarez persona; he was back to his typical soldier-like ramrod straight style, the only difference being that he seemed tense enough to snap. He didn't hesitate as he strode down the hallway, going towards the front door with a single minded purpose when suddenly he heard Boyd calling out to him, "Wait." But Sin didn't stop even though he heard hurried footsteps as Boyd ran after him, sounding alarmed as he said, "Sin! Wait, please-- Please don't go!"

He didn't know if it was something in Boyd's tone, the slight hint of pleading, of desperation, but whatever it was it made him pause in midstep. He was so tired, so fucking disgusted and he was very close to giving up but that tone... that voice-- he couldn't ignore it. Even so, he didn't turn or speak and his back remained tense. Boyd didn't even hesitate this time; he came up behind Sin, placing his hands on his shoulders. Sin tensed but didn't say anything or push him away, mostly because he couldn't bring himself to pull away when it felt so good. Being touched in a way that was gentle and comforting felt good and even though he had very little hope left in the situation, he couldn't deny that after everything, someone touching him in that manner could still make the ice inside of him melt slightly because it was something that he had been denied for his entire life.

Boyd squeezed his eyes shut, resting his forehead against Sin's back. He didn't speak again though, and they fell silent for a few moments. When Sin made no effort to say anything or pull away, Boyd finally said quietly, "Thank you for waiting."

The response was not immediate but after awhile Sin shook his head. "Why are you doing this now?"

"Because it would have been worse if I didn't," Boyd said after a beat of hesitation.

"Worse for who?"

"For both of us," Boyd replied quietly.

"For both of us," Sin repeated in the same flat tone. "I'm doing what you told me to do and now that's not the right thing either?"

Boyd let out a low breath. "When I told you that at first, it was different," he said, his tone relatively reasonable despite how confusing his words were for Sin. "I didn't intend for it to turn out like this, for you to think that I never cared, that I could just drop you or forget you and move on as if nothing changed. I don't know what's right anymore, I just--" He shook his head, a sense of frustration in his tone. "I just know this isn't right. If I... never see you again and this is how we parted, then it's wrong."

"Then what's right, Boyd? I don't understand what you want me to do. I don't understand what you want from me anymore. Just--" He broke off for a moment. "Don't stand here and do this if you're just going to tell me the same shit again."

"Hs-- Sin," he said softly, almost unconsciously using his real name. His hands twitched on Sin's shoulders and he drew in a slightly shaky breath. "It-- I won't. I just... You're right that I'm afraid. And maybe I am being unfair, I don't know. But if you think it would honestly be the same for me, that I could seriously just... walk around this house like before, that it would be as if you hadn't existed or that I was unaffected by you, then you're very wrong. It would be just another form of hell for me; every time I thought of you it would hurt but I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I could never forget you, even if I tried, even if I wanted to. More than anything, you're in my mind the most. Maybe I reached out to you first, but I promise you, you've changed me as well."

Still Sin said nothing and his shoulders did not relax. He stared straight ahead, face expressionless and jaw clenched tightly. Despite the words he still felt skeptical, cynical, having very little faith that Boyd wouldn't just go back to his previous statements that they should stay apart.

But Boyd pressed his forehead harder against him and his grip tightened on Sin's shoulders. He drew in another breath but this time it seemed to be just to remember the way Sin smelled, what it felt like to be this close to him. "And if..." His voice caught and he had to pause briefly. But he seemed intent on explaining before Sin had the chance to leave, before he could walk out and they could possibly never see each other again, so it did not take him long to speak again. "I would have lived with anything if I thought I was helping you, if it made you happier. I just want you to be as safe as you can be and I thought that if I was adding to the danger then I couldn't be around you. Regardless of what I feel, even if it hurt me to send you away, it was better for me to do that as long as you were alright." He hesitated, the words hanging briefly in the air. "But if that isn't what you want, if it's-- if my staying away would actually make it worse, if you still want me around, then..." His voice sounded sincere but distressed as he admitted, "The truth is, I don't really want you to go. I want you to stay, I want to be around you and I-- I really don't want you to leave. I want it to be the way it was before, I-- I need you too."

Dark eyebrows drew together slightly, green eyes narrowing as Sin stared at the door and for a moment he didn't believe what he'd heard. But he replayed the words in his mind and he inhaled slowly, eyes sliding closed even though none of the tension left his body. Even if he'd heard correctly, even if Boyd was claiming to have changed his mind, he couldn't trust that he wouldn't just switch tune again. He couldn't trust that he'd believe Boyd and then once again, once again he'd be made a fucking fool of. Once again he'd be let down and cast away. And he didn't want to be that vulnerable anymore. Not to Boyd. Not to anyone. "Don't play with me Boyd."

"I'm not," Boyd insisted, his tone almost imploring. "I swear I'm not. I know you have no reason to believe or trust me, I know I'm in no position to ask favors of you, I know I must seem so untrustworthy right now. And if I knew how to prove to you that I'm not lying, that I-- that you're the most important person to me, I would. But... I'm just human, too; I make mistakes, I misinterpret, I-- I fuck up. It's true that I was trying to get you to leave and it's true my decision was driven by fear, but it was fear for you, not for me." He shook his head against Sin's back. "I swear I would have rather this all happened the other way, that they caught me instead of you, but I can't change the past so all I could do was affect the future. But it's your decision too, and if it really doesn't hurt you, if you really feel it would be okay, then I don't want this to be the end of everything. I don't want you to think you meant nothing to me, or that I ever lied to you about any of that. That I don't need or want you. I'm telling the truth, Sin, I promise I am, and I'll do anything you want to prove it. If-- If it's not already too late."

The tension in the room seemed to weigh down on Sin's shoulders and confusion, anxiety caused him to pull away from Boyd and cover his face with his hands, a frustrated sound escaping his throat. "You're driving me crazy. I come to a decision and then you come and fuck it up and now I don't even know what to do or say anymore."

"What do you think you did to me?" Boyd asked rhetorically, nothing biting in the way he said it although there was a hint of irony mixed with the other emotions.

Broad shoulders rose in a brief shrug and Sin just scoffed quietly at the situation in general. He supposed from Boyd's perspective that was exactly what had happened to him too; it had probably taken months of guilt and self-condemnation to reach to that decision, then he came and wouldn't accept it. "So what now?" It was probably a strange thing to ask but honestly, he was at a loss. He hadn't ever counted on any of the events from the past several minutes happening ever; it was not something he'd prepared himself for mentally and now he was left with disturbed surprise at his own behavior, embarrassment and weariness in general because damned if he hadn't just wanted to come here and spend time with Boyd and just get back on track after they figured out what the hell had happened.

"I don't know," Boyd admitted, looking away. "I suppose it depends on what your new decision is."

"Well it was to leave like you were telling me to but it would be stupid to do that now that you're telling me not to since I never wanted to in the first place," Sin said blandly.

Boyd looked over to study Sin's back. After a moment, he asked hesitantly, "So... Are we okay then?"

"If you swear that you're not going to go back on your word and change your mind later," Sin replied, not missing a beat.

"I won't," Boyd said seriously.

Sin turned finally, green eyes locking with brown and gracing the other man with a stare that seemed wary but mostly tired. His head was pounding by now and the dizziness from earlier was beginning to creep up on him again. He didn't know what would happen between them in the days, weeks to come, but for now he couldn't do more than just take Boyd for his word and admit to himself that even though it made him feel pathetic and needy, the promise made him feel better. It made the onslaught of emotions and the outward showing of feelings worth it. But even so, he was starting to feel weak again and at the moment what he really needed was rest. He didn't know if it all of the anxiety and tension had worsened his condition or if he'd been fucked the entire time and been moving around on adrenaline alone but whatever the case was, exhaustion was catching up with him. "I don't really know what's going to happen now with the Agency. I figure I'll be sent back to medical so I don't know when I'll be able to contact you again."

"Wait," Boyd said, quickly taking a step forward when he realized Sin intended to leave. "You don't have to leave. I mean--" He stopped, then gave Sin a slightly uncertain look. "If it's alright with you, I'd like... for you to stay the night."

Sin stared at him blankly for a moment and genuinely felt surprised at the request. He'd never been formally invited to Boyd's house, let alone to spend the night but at the moment the idea was more than welcome. He didn't want to go through the trouble of going back to the Agency only to be hassled and interrogated; what he really wanted to do was just be around Boyd, which is what he'd wanted from the moment he'd woken up to this confusing bullshit mess of an existence. And he was pretty sure that the agents watching the house were waiting on further orders before they made any kind of move so if he could get some sleep and be in a more coherent frame of mind before that happened, all the better. "That's fine with me," He said finally, looking around at the living room. "If they get antsy I'll deal with them when the time comes but I doubt they're going to do anything too dramatic considering they're in a civilian neighborhood and causing some huge standoff would draw a lot of unwanted attention. They'll more than likely just do an escort in the morning. I'm sure by now they've confirmed that neither of us is dead and if they haven't, the living room is in full view of a lot of windows so they'll figure it out when they see me sleeping."

Boyd looked over at the couch; the clean lines of the furniture stood out in the shadows and the pale light from the streetlight across the street. "The couch is too unyielding and won't be long enough for you," he said dismissively, tilting his head and looking back at Sin to study him. "I meant... for you to sleep in my room. With me. My bed is large enough and it's a lot more comfortable."

The suggestion wouldn't have been surprising hours ago, or more accurately months ago, but after everything that had been said between them in the past thirty minutes, for some reason it was. But once again, it wasn't something he was going to turn down, not when the idea of that kind of proximity was more than a little appealing. "That's fine."

Boyd watched him for a long moment, then gave him a slightly relieved look. "Okay," he said finally, inclined his head and turned towards his room.

Sin trailed behind him, feeling more exhausted by the moment and came to the conclusion that it really had been nothing more than adrenaline that had driven him for the past couple of hours. The anxiety over what had happened to Boyd had pushed him but now that the paranoia and the hot anger was fading, he wasn't left with much more than fatigue. His head was spinning and his vision dimmed at the edges, making Boyd's room seem even darker and his bed seem even more inviting. As he collapsed on Boyd's bed, he swore he was seeing spots. He was barely aware of Boyd pulling the curtains closed and by the time Boyd had crawled up on to the bed beside him, he was already asleep. He didn't wake up even when Boyd touched him lightly over the next several moments, as if still amazed by the fact that he was really there, that he was really alive and that they really were okay again. Time seemed to pass slowly and after awhile, Boyd fell asleep as well, one hand still curled and resting loosely on Sin's arm.

---

The curtains in Boyd's room were thick, heavy, dark, and quite adept at blocking any light that may have come through. As a result, they both slept past dawn. Boyd had been going between half-nightmares and dreams and somehow in the night he had managed to roll closer to Sin until he was partially sprawled on top of him. Perhaps it was the oddity of sleeping next to someone after months of being alone that caused him to wake before he felt fully rested but when his eyes slid open and he saw Sin's chest rising and falling under him, his fingers automatically dug into the cloth of his hoody. He slid his eyes closed and buried his face in Sin's shoulder and just breathed in his scent, which didn't smell quite the way he remembered it but that could have just been the time apart or because Sin no longer smelled like the the surprisingly alluring combination of nicotine, sweat and sex.

He let a moment pass before he looked at the clock and, not particularly wanting to but knowing it was necessary, he placed a hand on Sin's shoulder and shook him gently. "Sin... Wake up."

The reaction was immediate and if nothing else had given it away, the way Sin's eyes snapped open and his body tensed was a tell tale sign that he was back in Agency mode. "Is it late?"

"It's just past seven," Boyd replied quietly, as if it would alert the agents outside to the fact they were awake if he spoke any louder. "I haven't heard anything but I just woke recently." Somehow, his hand didn't quite make it away from Sin's shoulder.

Sin groaned and brought his hand up to his head, wincing slightly. The pain wasn't entirely gone but he felt far more alert and prepared to deal with the Agency than he had the night before. "I should go soon. I'd rather leave before they come and physically try to remove me."

Boyd studied Sin and for a moment it looked as though he was about to say something but instead he just nodded and sat up fully, looking at the curtains as if he could see through them to what the agents were doing. "That's probably best," he agreed, though something about his expression seemed a little reluctant. "That way it doesn't give Connors or my mother time to give the order, if they haven't already."

Despite his comment about leaving, Sin didn't get up and instead stared up at Boyd with his hand still resting against his forehead. Hearing Boyd actually say Connors' name reminded him of all of the things that had happened while he'd been out of it, all of the things he didn't know and especially the fact that Connors had actually sent Boyd up to Fourth. "What did he say to you at your debriefing?" He asked suddenly.

Boyd stilled at the question and looked down at Sin. For a moment, he watched him with dark eyes and seemed to be debating how thoroughly to answer that, but then he leaned back against the headboard and stared at one of his bookshelves blankly. "That I was hired primarily to be your partner and being a field agent was secondary to that, and that if I had actually followed my job description this probably would not have happened." He spoke calmly, though his tone was almost dull as if he had gone over this many times in his mind and he was just repeating it aloud. "That I slept with Thierry without even trying anything else and received faulty data that led to very expensive losses of time, effort, and personnel, since at the time he was basically counting you as dead or brain dead, as well as the fact we received no viable information about Janus. That the fact I was seen leaving the center resulted in dozens of innocent people being tortured by the Mexican government as they looked for me and that governments across the world, including Mexico's, were furious and thoroughly investigating." He paused, then added as an afterthought, "And that my sexual relationship with you must have influenced my decision to insist they didn't let you die."

Sin stared at him blankly for a moment before speaking. "How does he know we have a sexual relationship?"

"I suspect he was expanding on his belief from earlier," Boyd said, looking over at Sin again, "when he saw the surveillance video of before you were... sent to the box." There was a subtle hesitation before he referred to the box, probably because the box meant the Fourth which he now had firsthand experience with. Even so, his tone remained calm. "But I can't be certain."

"I see." Sin wondered if he'd be 'neutered' now. His hand unconsciously dropped to his crotch as if suddenly paranoid that something had been done to him to make it... unworkable. "Well he's a fucking moron anyway. What did Vivienne say?"

"That was the strange part, actually." Boyd drew his eyebrows down thoughtfully. "She was understandably angry that I was seen, but she seemed equally displeased with Connors. After he dismissed me, she followed me out of the room to speak with me. She has never done that before. She kept saying I needed to learn my lessons more thoroughly but that it was for my safety as well as others'." He paused, then said quietly, "It seems so unlike her, but... I think she was trying to warn me of where I was headed."

"Maybe she was. As cold hearted as she seems sometimes, she also appears to have more intelligence and logic than Connors. She probably knew it was a bullshit thing to do," He replied sourly.

Boyd shrugged with one shoulder. "Was it?" he asked rhetorically. "Many people believe I receive special treatment due to my mother. If others are held accountable for what they do wrong, I should be too. At the very least, how I acted in order to get you out of the box was... unacceptable. I can't imagine many others would have done the same with no repercussions. Which is not to say I would do it differently, but I suppose it shouldn't be too surprising."

Sin shook his head but didn't say anything more on the topic, not wanting to get on another debate about what was Boyd's fault and what he deserved or didn't deserve because of it. "And whose decision was it for you to no longer be an agent?"

"Probably Connors'. He warned me before that he may just replace me." Boyd's eyes narrowed slightly although his tone remained calm. "Whatever the case, when... they finally let me go, I returned home to find my termination letter waiting for me. And agents watching me. At least, I thought so. It took me a long time to decide that was true."

A slight frown crossed Sin's face and he sat up finally. "Something about that seems off. There has to be more to this 'termination' than meets the eye. I've never heard of anyone resigning or being fired. Anytime anyone has left service before, it usually led to them being permanently silenced because of the risk it would be to have someone wandering around who knew so much about an organization that isn't even supposed to exist. I don't even think your mother's influence would change that."

Boyd considered that. "I don't know what happened, then. Even if as you say this isn't my fault, I don't see why they wouldn't follow normal procedures just to be safe. It's not as though killing me would have made much of an impact on the Agency as a whole and that way they would be covered." The idea of the Agency killing him didn't seem to bother him, but it seemed to be more because he was thinking of the concept in terms of what would be logical for the Agency.

Sin's shoulders lifted in a shrug. "I have no idea. This all just seems really strange in general. I guess we won't know for sure until... I don't know. Until someone really tells us what the hell the deal is." They fell silent for a few moments; Boyd didn't have an answer to that and Sin didn't have anything else to ask. He had no intentions of questioning Boyd about what had gone on during his time with Shane; it was unnecessary and most likely not something Boyd would want to talk about any time soon, if ever.

Boyd studied Sin and seemed to hesitate, as if wondering if he should ask or not, but then he said, "I've been wondering... How did they manage to catch you?"

Sin's eyes dropped and he stared at the black sheets uncomfortably. He'd been anticipating the question and even though he'd explained it with no hesitation to Carhart, after Boyd's admission that his attitude towards Jessica had been over his own personal dislike, over jealousy, something in him held him back from telling the whole story. He didn't want Boyd to know that she'd died anyway, that he'd ultimately been the one to pull the trigger even if it'd been an accident. Just one look, one comment, one hint that Boyd was pleased by the knowledge would make that same anger build inside of him again and it was something that he wanted to avoid. It was something about Boyd that he didn't even want to acknowledge. "I'd ultimately planned to drop her off in a park on the way to meeting you but all routes to safe houses were pretty much blocked by emergency people so I had to take a different way that I hadn't previously scouted. I dropped her off briefly in a deserted area, scouted, came back with the intentions of moving her somewhere more public since she'd still been unconscious when I left but she'd already woken up by the time I returned. She'd called her uncle to pick her up and he turned out to be Hale Clemons, even though she was obviously unaware that he had ties with Janus. She seemed to have no real idea what was going on. Long story short, they managed to overpower me and knock me out."

Boyd slid his eyes closed and tilted his head down; although he didn't say anything at first, judging by his expression, it was along the lines of what he'd expected to hear. He shook his head once and said quietly, "Even if she knew he was tied to Janus, there was no reason she wouldn't call; she didn't know you were an agent. But... Hale Clemons? I wouldn't have expected her to have any connection with him. His background check didn't reveal her relation to him and any time I tried to get any information about him, no one like her was mentioned."

"Yeah. I'm assuming they aren't related by blood. She called him her uncle but that doesn't necessarily mean they're legally or closely related. He may be nothing more than a close family friend. Who knows." He shrugged again and continued to study the sheets. "That's pretty much the long and short of it. Mostly everything after that is vague, I just remember bits and pieces of interrogation. I don't recall much honestly until I woke up yesterday in one of the compound's medical facilities. I wasn't even aware that I'd been brought back to the Agency."

"I could see that; you were in terrible shape," Boyd said somberly. "You almost didn't make it back; you died once while we were trying to get you out of Monterrey." He shook his head as if to stop thinking about that. "How did you get here, then?"

Sin glanced up at Boyd again. "I... left. Knocked out a couple of doctors and escaped the facility, pretty much. At that point I had no idea what was going on or whether or not you'd even made it back okay so I went to Carhart and got a few answers although for the most part, Connors had him in the dark as well." He stood up finally, glancing at the window. "I should probably get out of here."

Boyd looked to the window as well even though he couldn't see anything through the curtains. He nodded a little distractedly, then stood. "If... Well, I know you won't. But if you happen to get off the compound and you need anything... I'll be here."

The corners of Sin's mouth turned down a bit and he pushed Boyd lightly, almost playfully and for a moment there was a feeling of old familiarity, the motion bringing to mind the things that had passed between them more than a year ago when they'd first started to become accustomed to each other's company, when they'd first started to become friends. "After all the shit I just went through trying to convince you not to ditch me, do you really think I'll let them keep me away?"

For a moment Boyd stared at Sin with widened eyes and brought his hand up to touch where Sin had pushed him. For some reason it made him think of Monterrey; of flashes of Sin's expression and a general feeling of intensity. But he didn't give himself much time to think about it; instead, he gave Sin a quizzical look and after a moment, he smiled slightly. It wasn't particularly large or happy, but it was relieved and he tilted his head down in acknowledgment. "No, I suppose not."

"Alright then."

They didn't exchange words after that and Boyd trailed behind him quietly as Sin strode towards the door. In the light of the morning with the pale, almost ghostly rays of sunshine straining to break through the clouds, it was hard to believe that the events that had taken place the night before in the darkened shadows of the house had actually occurred. New memories haunted the house now but this time it wasn't just memories of Lou and Cedrick; this time it was of Sin putting a gun in his mouth, of the flat dead expression on his face right before and the disturbed intensity after. It was hard to believe that those strong, raw emotions had actually been experienced, blatantly shown, and that for the first time the strong connection between them had been acknowledged, that they both had made it abundantly clear that their current state of existence would not, could not, exist without the other.

But even so, as they made their way to the front door to part ways for what could be the last time in a long time, neither of them mentioned what had taken place. There was something close to awkwardness between them, a hesitation and uncertainty that hadn't been there six months ago, but that was unsurprising given the circumstances. Despite the fact that the majority of their relationship had started in this city, at the Agency, they'd never been that close there and neither of them had ever really considered how their interaction would be affected upon their return. The fact that agents were watching their every move did not help matters and that, combined with the uncomfortable embarrassment that shadowed the outpouring of feelings the night before, made for a very quiet farewell.

When Sin exited the house and went down the stairs, he briefly looked over his shoulder and his eyes locked with Boyd's. Once again, neither of them spoke but the look they shared had an intensity that words would not have measured up to. The moment stretched and finally Sin nodded slightly and turned, adopted his usual smart ass Agency attitude and walked directly up to the black SUV that was parked a few houses down, knocking lightly on the window with a smirk twisted on his face. After a moment the window rolled down and an almost relieved-looking man stared at Sin before they exchanged words.

Boyd watched from the door, never taking his eyes off Sin, and didn't turn away until his tall, lanky form had disappeared inside the dark confines of the vehicle. Long, thin fingers tightened briefly around the doorknob and Boyd turned finally, closing the door firmly and rested his back against it as he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. As soon as Sin had left, the black clouds of uncertainty shrouded the house once again, darkening his vision, making all the questions and doubts return but... all he could do was wait.

Continue to Ch 41 ~ Recrudesce