Epilogue
Progression
Uploaded on 12/6/07
The wind was surprisingly warm when it blew past Boyd, ruffling his clothing and lifting the short, jagged ends of his hair into the air. With the sun slowly sliding behind the scattered hi-rises, staying hidden behind the ever-present sheen of clouds, he could see the muted shadows idly expanding along the ground until they started to bleed into each other, until the surrounding debris and cement was starting to mimic the progression to darkness in the sky above. The weather was mild and calm for the time of year but he would have been at Crater Lake anyway, even if the temperature was below freezing, even if the very act of staying there could be dangerous to his health.
He had been out there for hours, perched with his legs bent in front of him and his arms resting across his knees, balanced comfortably at the top of the mound of debris. His gaze was distant as he stared at Crater Lake below; the algae had continued to grow until the stagnant water was more colorful than it had ever been before. The wind pushed light ripples across the pond; the algae rocked with the movement, creating a mesmerizing pattern that would have been difficult to look away from even if he'd wanted to.
Several weeks had passed since the compound had been under attack and with everyone scrambling to get things back in order, there hadn't been adequate time for his unit to decrypt the files he'd downloaded at Hale's. They still didn't know if he'd even gotten anything useful or if he had, how useful it would be. For now it was a game of wait-and-see, which wasn't as bad as it could have been considering Janus activities appeared to have slowed to a lull. Whether they were recovering from the breach in their once impenetrable community or plotting payback, no one knew for certain, but the lapse in movement gave them time to recover as well.
But for the Agency, a complete recovery would be a long time coming. The only thing that was taken care of quickly and cleanly was damage control with the local media when some civilians had complained of what sounded like gunshots and explosions going off deep within the compound going uninvestigated by the police. A community watch group had urged a local paper to look into it but Vivienne had swiftly taken charge of the situation and had even presented documentation from fire marshals and city officials stating that there had been a series of explosions with their generators but that everything was otherwise fine. The story provided answers for any future questions that may occur when the actual rebuilding process began because she'd also told them that the foundation of several buildings had been corrupted in the explosions and that part was mostly true.
Three of the main residential dormitories had suffered severe structural damage and would have to be rebuilt, either partially or entirely, which resulted in hundreds of agents having to temporarily live in the bunker shelters. The casualty count hadn't been as high as initially feared but the number of seriously wounded and disabled employees was staggering. Many had been wounded in the destruction of the buildings; most who'd come in contact with the enemy hadn't lived to tell of the experience unless they were non-combatants, who'd been terrorized but otherwise relatively unharmed.
The safe haven that had once been the compound had suffered a blow that would never quite be repaired. The consensus among most of the employees, especially residents, was that it was no longer safe. Although his mother was taking steps to make changes in the security, no one really felt secured when the perpetrators hadn't even been identified. Fingerprint scans from the corpses of fallen intruders hadn't proven very useful other than the fact that most of the individuals appeared to have had very colorful criminal records but their identities just led to more questions and dead ends. Their only real clue was the girl that Sin had detained in the Tower and according to whispers; she would be a tough nut to crack.
Over the past two weeks things had gone from chaos to slowly becoming business as usual and missions temporarily slowed; he'd spent most of his time on the compound helping out but there was only so much he could really do. Things for he and Sin were temporarily stagnant but despite that, he still felt somewhat uneasy about the state of their partnership. With Connors gone, the threat was lessened considerably but he still had no idea what his mother had in store for them. Although one door was closed, Vivienne's control of the Agency only opened others with more questions but there was nothing to do but sit and wait.
In the downtime he'd found himself preoccupied by thoughts that he'd either been trying to avoid or hadn't been able to put in proper words before. When he'd lain down to sleep for the past several nights, his mind hadn't stopped going over the past few months and missions. He'd gone over the same points time and time again, worrying the ideas to the bone rather like the bulldog his mother had been nicknamed for. He couldn't stop thinking about the Janus mission, about Rick and Dana, about how he'd felt and what they'd said. He realized now that part of his anger toward Dana at the time had been because he'd had to acknowledge that there were people who existed who would risk their lives to save others; that they would accomplish it or die trying. He'd known that and yet...
For years he'd been so upset about Lou's death that he hadn't realized the other emotions that had come with it. In some ways, her words had made him feel resentful and angry that there had been no one like that for Lou and him, that they hadn't had another friend who'd saved them. At that time, Boyd had tried to do what Dana had tried for her comrade, what Sin had for Jessica. He'd tried to save someone he cared about but he'd failed. Sin and Dana had at least gotten close to achieving their goal, had fought as hard as they could in order to do it, but he had been incapable of doing anything but screaming from beneath the people holding him down as Lou was killed. He knew logically that Sin and Dana were trained operatives and that he had just been a kid who didn't understand how much he'd loved his best friend until it was too late, but he'd still allowed the guilt to change him into a cold person that no longer believed in even trying to save others.
He'd been incapable of thinking back before those moments of terror when Lou's blood stained the cement, sprayed across his face, when the person he'd cared for more than anyone else had fallen to just a corpse on the ground. His entire life had condensed down to nothing at that moment; the war could have resumed around him at that time and it wouldn't have mattered because even with the Earth still turning the world had already ended for him.
He'd used that fear, that anger and terror and hopelessness, and he hadn't had an outlet but himself.
Before that night in Monterrey when Sin had stormed out of the apartment in frustration, he had been so obsessed with Lou's death that it was as if everything related to Lou in his mind had been as stained by the violence of his murder as the pavement had been by his blood. Until Sin and he were surrounded by the forest and silence of the nature reserve, he hadn't let himself think of the times before his death. Or, maybe, he'd just been unable to. But more realistically, he'd simply been afraid.
If he'd taken the time to actually consider his life, he would have had to acknowledge that he'd let the things he'd wanted slip through his grasp without much of a fight just because he no longer believed in goodness, in happiness. Lou hadn't let him do that though; he'd pushed and cajoled him through his life, kept him moving forward when he otherwise would have stagnated. Lou had forced him to live through the little pleasures in life until he'd gotten to the point that he'd believed in a future, he'd actually started to expect that his tomorrows would be worthwhile and his yesterdays wouldn't be filled with regret.
Lou had been teaching him all along that it was worth it to keep going, to keep fighting for what he wanted, even if he sometimes got hurt because of it, even if he sometimes lost, because if he didn't try at all then he wouldn't even have the chance for success. Lou had been teaching him to live.
But his death had changed all that.
Why was it that the moment Lou had died a large part of him had as well?
He hadn't thought in terms of that question at the time. He'd let the emotions and hopelessness overwhelm him and he'd tried to drown in his own blood, out of guilt, regret, pain, anger, fear... He hadn't wanted to live; at the time, he hadn't even thought he was capable of it.
Why was it that the memory of Lou's death had consumed everything they'd shared before then?
When Jared had killed Lou, he'd taken with him not only Lou's life but also his own ability to think of the times prior to that. He'd let those thoughts make it impossible for him to even remember the good times when Lou had been alive. All he'd been able to think of when he imagined Lou was the blood, the gurgling, his own screaming...
In the aftermath of that day, he'd turned all the anger and fear of the familiar impotence against himself. He'd become a cold person like his mother, someone apathetic and emotionless; someone who no longer believed in hope or kindness. He hadn't known any other way to deal with it. He'd become the sort of person that Lou and his father had probably never wanted him to be.
It had been the easy way out, hadn't it?
When faced with a world without his father or Lou, without the only two people who had reached out to him and continued to push or drag him forward when he had otherwise been content to rot in the shadows, he hadn't known what to do. He'd never learned to move forward on his own because he hadn't cared about himself, he'd just cared about them. Any sense of self care that he may have had was tied more into the way they had seen him and that they'd loved what they had seen rather than what he had seen in himself. He'd been overwhelmed by his helplessness and regret over losing the only two people he'd truly wanted to be with forever and so he'd given up on life itself.
He'd given up on the idea of fighting back, on trying to change things, on trying to help himself and others. He'd let the helplessness cocoon around him until he simply accepted the idea that he would never be able to change anything for anyone and let what had once been a simple fear blossom into something darker. Being unable to move, being unable to fight back or affect the world around him, and being incapable of exerting any sort of effort toward whatever his goal was... He'd come to realize that the feeling had been a fear that had been with him for as long as he could recall but that it had been crystallized in that moment of Lou's death. When he'd been younger, when his parents were both alive and his memories of his mother were a little happier, even then he recalled that sense of impotence. No matter what he'd done or accomplished, it hadn't been good enough for his mother. No matter what he'd done, it hadn't stopped his father from leaving for periods at a time. Despite any effort, the children still hadn't liked him; despite everything, it had been only Lou who had reached out to him and refused to let go.
When his father had been killed by the war, it was another thing he couldn't affect, another part of his life that was drastically changed by something that was completely out of his control. The distance that had increased between his mother and he hadn't been something he could touch even if he'd tried. The state of the world, the city, his home... Everything had been out of his reach. Everything but Lou.
But then Jared slaughtered Lou not even a few feet away from him and the fear of being helpless solidified into a blinding terror of being held down.
Deep down within him the memory of Lou, the pain of what had happened... He'd held onto all of it for so long and it had affected him so deeply that he'd never recovered. The intensity of his emotional reaction had only been worsened after his time with Shane. Terrifying memories that had finally become blurred with time had suddenly been focused on in blinding color above him. He hadn't been able to escape, to look away; even if he'd closed his eyes he'd still heard it, he'd still had to experience it. His screams that time had been just as ineffective to stop what was happening as they had been when it had occurred.
He'd once again allowed himself to wallow in the helplessness, the guilt and the fear. The small part of him that had cracked and thawed after his time with Sin had quickly frozen over and once again he'd forgotten all the good and had tried to focus on the bad. He'd become exactly what he'd been before coming to the Agency and once again he'd blocked out the memories of Monterrey just like he'd blocked out the good memories of Lou.
After that fateful night in front of the bank, he'd blocked out all memory of the times that he'd laughed and felt true happiness. He'd forgotten the times he'd felt the encompassing security of his father tugging him close and running his hand comfortingly over his hair. He'd all but banished memories of the times when Lou had looked at him and grinned and made the world seem like it would go on forever, that nothing would ever go wrong. He'd lost both of them but it had always been Lou's memory that had haunted him more and so he'd allowed his mind to all but erase it or else the helpless feeling of being completely alone overpowered him and led to him attempting to end his own life just so he wouldn't have to deal with the pain of existing anymore.
But in the end, weren't those earlier memories more important and integral to Lou's actual existence than those of his death? If he were to imagine the quintessence of Louis Krauszer, it wasn't his inability to fight back, the fear and regret and pain in his eyes, the blood soaking his clothing. Instead, it was him laughing, him joking, him doing something stupid and not even having the decency to look sheepish about it. It was his grin and the way he'd sulked when he'd thought Boyd wasn't taking him seriously enough. It was his insistence that they lived together and the way he'd always protected him, had always been the first person on his side.
He couldn't let all the negative feelings determine the only memories he'd ever have of Lou. He needed to let go of the pain and regret he felt for Lou, the way he needed to try to let go of the pain and regret he'd felt for what he'd thought he'd done to Sin. If he couldn't let go, it would be like Dana had said: poison in his veins.
Lou wasn't alive to say whether or not he blamed him for his death, but he couldn't imagine he would have. Lou would probably have only said that he wished Boyd had run away sooner, that he hadn't seen all that, and that he hadn't been attacked by Jared as well.
The regret that had flared up later because of what Sin had been through, after he'd seen him go into cardiac arrest right in front of him and the renewal of the terror of losing someone important to him because he didn't try hard enough, had been so staggering that once again it had overwhelmed him. He'd become obsessed with everything he'd done wrong, tainted by the guilt of seeing someone he cared about so severely injured.
That fear-- cowardice, really, if he was being honest with himself-- had made him default to the way he'd always been... Not wanting to reach for anything, being afraid to put in effort, fearing that he had been the one who had caused the events to occur and that without him the life of the person he cared for would have continued into the future without any troubles. He'd thought that he had to push him away because if he was too close he would just hurt him again. Yet it was that attitude, more than anything, that had frustrated Sin, that had caused the distance between them to spread.
He'd spent so many years feeling guilty for what had happened to Lou that he'd believed it had been his fault and he would have done the same with Sin. He would have shut down his emotions and become another slip of shadow in the silent house. He would have retreated from the situation. But Sin hadn't let him any more than Lou had when he was alive, any more than he probably would have had he lived through Jared's attack.
Even if he'd been capable of acknowledging that he was acting that way at the time, he still would have been too wrapped up in his perceptions to stop what he was doing. When things went wrong, he obsessed over it and drew the negativity closer, let it seep deep into himself and constrict his mind until he was unable to do anything but shut down. In truth, all he'd ever really done was avoid reality when it became something he didn't want to deal with. He retreated inside himself and let the world pass him by because he didn't want to deal with it; because it had hurt him and he didn't want to feel that way. At those points, it hadn't mattered what others had thought or said because he'd been so wrapped up in himself that it had been all he could think about. If anyone did want to get him out of that mindset, they were then forced to put in extra effort just to get him to listen.
In a way, that made him remember what Rick had said... that it was as if he thought his own life was more important than others', like it didn't matter if everyone else had to sacrifice themselves endlessly just as long as he could run and hide. He'd hid in the house for so long but ultimately all he'd been doing was hiding in himself. He'd let his emotions fall away so he could disappear into the darkness where he wouldn't have to think, because he'd been afraid and alone and he hadn't trusted anyone to care about his existence or if they had, he hadn't trusted himself to let them.
What he really needed to do was stop being so distrusting, so afraid to believe in anyone or anything, so convinced through paranoia that letting himself into others' lives and letting others into his own would somehow end in betrayal or tragedy. He needed to trust others on a level more completely than he had so far. He needed to believe in others, the way Lou had always believed in him. He needed to become the sort of person others could believe in, depend on. He had to acknowledge that he'd so far been dependent on others; on their existence, on their acceptance. It was one thing to accept others as part of his life but he'd let so much of his self worth depend on their view of him that he hadn't expended any effort in building up his own view of himself. Ultimately, he needed to become stronger on his own, to become the sort of person that could keep going even with everything falling apart around him. To not be the sort of person to falter from fear or guilt at the most important moments.
He didn't want his life to move on and this time to pass only for him to later look back with regret regarding decisions he made from now on. He didn't want to lose Sin, to lose what he felt when in his presence. He didn't want to push him away just because he was scared; he didn't want to abandon Sin's feelings, regardless of if they ever became as strong as his own were, any more than he ever wanted to abandon his life again. He wanted to shake off his apathy, to ignore the moments when he felt like he should just give up or not expend the effort, and he wanted to keep reaching out to Sin so he wouldn't lose sight of him, so he wouldn't fall behind. He wanted Sin to be involved with his life for a long time; he didn't want it all to end.
It was thoughts like those that had made him finally realize in the interim between Sin's revival and his own return to the Agency that what he felt for him was love. That it was more than a case of him not wanting his work partner to be hurt or not wanting a friend to die; he'd realized that Sin had become more integral than that. He had become someone unique, someone special. Someone he wanted to smile just because he liked to see it, someone he wanted to be around because he made him feel balanced, more complete. Someone he desired not just because he wanted to have sex but also because he was with the person he loved.
In a strange way, Sin's strength-- physically, mentally, even the strength of his personality-- was a comfort to him; it made him feel, once again as he'd felt due to Lou's doggedness, that nothing would ever go wrong. He'd initially assumed that that was one large reason he'd been so unbalanced and upset by the idea of Sin dying; simply because it had seemed so impossible that when he'd nearly died, it was as if an unspoken rule of life had been suddenly invalidated. Now, he knew it wasn't just that; even if Sin had been an extremely weak person by nature and had been in the same situation, Boyd would have been just as upset. It wasn't the loss of Sin's strength that had terrified him so much; rather, it was the idea of the loss of his presence. That the world would keep moving but Sin would forever be gone. He hadn't been able to reconcile such a hopeless thought.
Understanding finally what it was he truly felt for Sin made him acknowledge even more how much Lou had meant to him. Despite the fact that they really were not alike as far as their personalities went, in a way Lou and Sin were connected in his mind. At the same time, what he felt for each of them was not identical.
By now, he knew he'd loved Lou; after all, he wouldn't have been nearly as devastated by his death if he had not. But if Lou somehow turned up alive tomorrow and stood beside Sin in front of him, Boyd also knew that the love he felt for each did not really compete with each other. They couldn't, because that was like trying to compare cats to dogs; they were similar in some ways but certainly not the same.
They made him feel different things, believe certain things. Whereas Lou had taken care of him and had tried to protect him from all of the bad things in life, Sin had from the beginning assumed he was either strong enough to walk on his own or if he wasn't he would damn well have to learn. Lou's life with him had started the moment he'd protected him from bullies; Sin's had started with sarcasm and distance. Lou had always inspired a sense of gentle warmth within him, something old and familiar and loved, whereas Sin made him feel more alive, more alert, and the comfort he felt with him was somehow more of a person with his equal.
It was a strange thought considering he was more equal to Lou than he would ever manage to be to Sin as far as strength and skills were concerned but it was an accurate description. Lou had tried to keep him in the dark to protect him from things he thought he couldn't handle and in so doing had led him into a position where he could be hurt without having a clue about the circumstances. On the other hand, since they'd gotten to the point that they talked about anything of import, Sin had consistently been relatively honest, telling him about his past and his thoughts and being upfront about when he thought something was dangerous or if Boyd was being an idiot. He didn't coddle Boyd, yet he also didn't abandon him. Sin was there for him when he needed him; he made him feel important somehow, like his life actually mattered and because of that it made it easier to relate to him. It was easier to be on equal footing with someone who kept your eyes wide open to everything they saw than with someone who wanted to see the bad stuff for you.
The wind picked up again in the other direction, whipping his hair around so that it tickled his ear. His eyes burned and it was only then that he realized he'd been staring so long that he hadn't even properly been blinking. He blinked a few times and glanced down at his watch, temporarily drawn out of his reverie.
With all that had been happening, he and Sin hadn't been around each other much lately so he'd asked if he was interested in spending time with him in the city. It was the first time he'd invited him to spend the day with him off the compound without a specific reason and Sin had seemed pleased with the offer. They'd initially intended to meet earlier but at the last minute Carhart had sidelined Sin with a sudden meeting although he hadn't said what it was about. So instead of heading out together as they'd originally planned, he was going to drive back to the Agency to pick Sin up whenever he was finished with whatever he was doing. Although he would have been far closer to the Agency if he'd waited at home for Sin to call, he'd felt too confined within those walls and had found himself feeling like spending some time alone at Crater Lake and that was when he'd made the decision to bring Sin there.
The idea of a relaxed afternoon in the city with just the two of them was something Boyd knew he at least was looking forward to. The last time he'd wandered around the city just for the sake of enjoying the places he could go had been when he'd taken Ryan around. That had been fun but it just made him wonder what Sin's reactions would be to different places. He still remembered Ryan asking if Sin had been to Crater Lake when he'd explained the history of the place. Because it was an important place for him, he wanted to share it with Sin as well. He'd told Sin briefly about what it looked like and had mentioned directions as a means of explaining the location within the city but he hadn't explained the significance of the area; it was something probably best done in person.
He closed his eyes, tilting his face against the wind, and just breathed in. The scent was familiar although not something he could properly identify other than to say it smelled like the city and, to an extent, memories. When he finally slid his eyes open again, he couldn't help a sudden nostalgic smile as a memory resurfaced. It hadn't been warm by any means but it had definitely been intermittently windy like this day when Lou had first kissed him, in the same spot he was now sitting. At the time he had mostly been surprised but now he could appreciate how much courage that must have taken for his best friend.
In the years after Lou's death, he'd been unable to remember such gentle times they'd had together. To him, that felt like almost more of a tragedy than the way Lou had died. If he could have changed the past, of course he would have saved Lou. But the past was the past; he couldn't change it any more than he could force the sun to stop rising in the East. Lou was gone forever but that didn't mean the times they'd had together were. He may have been killed horrifically, but that didn't negate the sixteen years he'd lived prior to then. If Boyd was going to remember Lou, he wanted it to be with memories of something that made him smile rather than with images that could torture nightmares out of him. He was doing a disservice to the person who had done so incredibly much for him if he did anything other than remember him at the best times of his life.
Lou had no grave for him to visit, yet when he thought about it, Crater Lake and the rubble he balanced on was a perfect place for a memorial site. It was here that they'd taken the first step to becoming lovers; it was here he had always felt most comfortable. If he were ever to choose a place that had the fewest negative memories, that in some way was related to some of the best times he'd spent with Lou, it would be right here. He decided that from now on he would visit yearly and reminisce on something good that had happened in their lives. If he had a negative memory of Lou any other time, he would have to try very hard to balance it with a positive memory.
Boyd knew that Lou would hate that his death had hurt him as much as it had, so in honor of his memory he would do his best to try to let go of the pain surrounding that time. He didn't think the memory of his death would ever leave him but that didn't mean it had to rule him. If he was confronted with the video again, it would still hurt him terribly; if the same thing happened with Shane again tomorrow, he would probably react exactly the same way. After all, just because he came to realize some aspects of himself and he came to some conclusions, that still didn't change the psychological and emotional damage he'd been living with for years. It would take him a long time to be able to fully accept what had happened with Lou and to be able to put it all properly into perspective, to be able to balance those moments of terror with years of happiness or comfort. At the same time, having a goal regarding Lou that didn't involve focusing so heavily on the hurtful parts was somehow relieving. He finally felt like he could think about Lou without hurting himself or hurting the memory of the person who had been there for him for most of his life.
He knew that he wouldn't have been able to come to these realizations if it hadn't been for the past year and a half he'd spent with the Agency. Although it seemed odd to think about, considering the Agency was where he'd learned how to end another person's life, it was also the place that had forced him to come to revelations about who he was. In a way, it was as if the entirety of his time with the Agency had done what Lou and his father had all along; shoved him along even when he was dragging his feet, forcing him to keep moving forward even when he wanted to stop.
Even his mother had managed to help getting him to this point in her own way, although no doubt it had been entirely unintentional. The interactions he'd had with her since being at the Agency, despite the tone of most of them and as few and far between as they'd been, had still shown him that even she did not have a static personality. It was oddly comforting, somehow; she'd been so cold for so long that it had seemed as if she'd ceased moving, as if the temperature of her personality had fallen so far below zero that even the molecules in her body were slowing to a stop. Unintentionally over the years, he'd become cold like her; an apathetic, icy individual who had shut out the world to protect the vulnerability that was left inside himself.
When he had first entered the Agency, he'd told Carhart that he suspected his mother didn't actually expect him to live through the missions and that there had to be something in it for her to have nominated him. He'd truly believed that at the time and even now he couldn't say he exactly disagreed with his assessment. For so much of his life, she'd seemed largely unimpressed, disappointed or disgusted with his existence. But he couldn't say with full confidence anymore that she really didn't care about him at all, that her only interest in him was to keep him from being an embarrassment to her. After he'd returned from Monterrey, when she had seemed to be trying to warn him in her own way about what was coming, that couldn't have anything to do with pride on her part. When he thought back on her words, that he needed to learn his lessons better the first time, it made him wonder if she'd really meant that she didn't want him to have to go through that torture again in the future and she was urging him to be more careful. When he thought about it in those terms, she really did seem a little different somehow. Seeing that even someone like her could slowly change made him feel like he could continue to grow as well.
In a bizarre way, it was as if they were on the same journey but traveling different roads at different speeds; yet at the same time, knowing she was out there probably struggling with similar issues made him feel somehow better, as if he wasn't alone. It could all just be wishful thinking on his part, of course; it was possible she hadn't changed as much as he thought she had, or that she wouldn't stay this way indefinitely.
On the other hand, now that he acknowledged that he loved them and he had almost lost them both, he could finally understand how she must have felt when his father had died. Although it had been painful for him because he'd lost his father, he'd still had Lou as someone to support him. His mother had always been rather isolated like he was; she didn't have friends, she didn't have family, she'd just always been dedicated to her work and her husband. Cedrick had probably been her Lou and when he'd been killed in the war she had thrown herself into her work more obsessively than ever. Perhaps, he mused, she would some day find something or someone that would help pull her out of that path the way Sin had for him, that could eventually lead her to becoming a little less cold of a person.
The slowly undulating ripples mesmerized him as he stared at Crater Lake, studying the color of the algae as it danced upon the waves. He abruptly remembered that the last time he'd been here with Ryan, he'd thought about how he wanted to paint this view some day. At the time, he hadn't been certain he'd ever get to the point where he wanted to try painting with color again, since his previous attempts had always seemed to fail miserably. But he still remembered the advice Toby had given him at the Janus conference and with the mood he'd been in lately, he was starting to think that maybe the inspiration for new projects was closer than it had been for a long time.
He wanted to try creating something again rather than obsessing over all the things that had been lost. He really would have to come up here and, even if he didn't paint it immediately, he could bring his sketchbook and at least start working on some drafts of what he would do on a larger scale. So he studied the color, the movement, the life of the small lake that was a result of the war and stagnant water, at this scene that so many others would probably only see as ugly or sad, and he thought once again about how beautiful it was.
He continued to sit there, just staring into space and once again allowed his mind to wander. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't even realize that anybody was near him until Sin was already up the mound, standing beside him and surveying the area. It was somewhat disturbing because of how easily the man could still sneak up on him but at the same time it wasn't really a surprise. What was a surprise was the fact that Sin was there at all.
Boyd looked at him, thoroughly startled. "What the-- How did you get here?"
Sin glanced down at him and raised an eyebrow. "I walked."
"No," Boyd said patiently. "How did you get off the compound? Don't tell me they left the tunnels unsecured again already..."
"Oh, that." Sin sat down beside him, green eyes flicking down to the water as he studied the colors in it. "I was kind of surprised about that too. Apparently I'm allowed to roam free from now on."
"Wow," Boyd said, impressed. "That's quite the change, although I can't say I mind. Is that what the meeting was about?"
Sin nodded and stretched his long legs out in front of him, looking over at Boyd finally. "They took the collar off too."
Boyd blinked in surprise and looked down at Sin's neck automatically. He felt stupid for not having noticed as soon as they were closer but he'd become so accustomed to seeing the collar again and hating the sight of it that he'd unconsciously stopped looking at his neck when they were in close vicinity. He reached out and let his fingers trail along Sin's skin, the skin the collar usually covered. "Indefinitely?" he asked, not looking up.
Sin shrugged, a casual roll of his strong shoulders as he idly tilted his head to give Boyd's fingers better access. "That's what was implied but you never know what will happen later on. I don't expect much." He paused and raised an eyebrow slightly. "Apparently it was your mother's order."
Fingers pausing, Boyd met Sin's eyes with a significant look. "Really." He said it as a statement more than a question. Well, that was certainly one more aspect pointing toward her changing, although he couldn't say he minded the direction she seemed to be going. "Did she say why?"
"I didn't actually speak to her but Carhart told me all she said was that she thought it was unnecessary for the time being. Which implies it might be used again some time in the future if she deems it necessary but I'm not too worried about it at the moment. I'll just have to be on my best behavior," he said with a smirk.
Boyd couldn't help a grin from growing. "I don't know," he teased, drawing the words out. "Are you even capable of good behavior? I have my doubts."
"It depends on what you think is good," Sin replied with a snort. "What I think is good is vastly different from a normal person's idea of it." He leaned forward slightly and pulled his legs up, resting his arms on his knees as he went back to looking down at the water. "Have you seen Ryan lately?"
Dropping his hand down beside him, Boyd stared at the water as well and shook his head once. "I haven't been able to see him since the attack. As soon as he was in the Infirmary, Ann blocked all visitors and since I'm not family, they won't give me much information." Another low gust of wind rocked the algae within Crater Lake and pulled at their clothing. "They did tell me that he's recovering and he recently regained consciousness. He's still weak, though, and they expect him to remain in intensive care for awhile." He paused. "But he's alive, so I'm relieved. I was really worried for awhile; he looked horrible when we were transporting him."
Sin nodded and absently picked at a rip in his cargo pants. "Carhart said foreign material from the dust and debris made it into his lungs and worsened his condition. I asked for details but even he can't get in to see him. I suppose Ann is feeling overprotective since Ryan is the only person resembling a family member she really has left."
Boyd's eyes narrowed briefly. Foreign material? It hadn't been that dusty within Ryan's apartment so it had to have occurred primarily when they were transporting him through the complex, which made sense because that was when his breathing had drastically worsened. At the time they hadn't had a dust mask to give him and, truth be told, with Ryan's labored breathing he'd almost been afraid that using anything thicker would have been too much for him to be able to breathe through.
Was that the wrong decision, though?
In Andrew and his impatience to find Ryan and get him to a 'safe' location, had they actually done him a disservice? Ryan had been in poor condition in the apartment but the air quality had been better and he hadn't been seriously injured by the fall. Maybe the safest place for him would have been exactly where he was, until the medical teams could get to him and could have removed him with the proper equipment.
He slid his eyes closed and ran a hand across his face, not fully noticing that he sighed. He couldn't second guess himself over this. Andrew and he had done the best they could. They hadn't known what Ryan's status was prior to going in there and even after they'd found him it wasn't as though they could fully trust the stability of the building. Removing Ryan had taken him through an area that had possibly worsened his condition but it had also gotten him to medical treatment far sooner than otherwise would have been the case.
With the amount of information he had, it was impossible to know which would have been better; he would just have to wait until he could talk to Ryan or, if he was lucky, his doctors. In the meantime, he just had to remind himself that Ryan was alive and that he wouldn't blame Andrew or him for their decision so it would be stupid to blame himself. If he was going to do his best to stop letting negativity and second guessing rule his memories and emotions of Lou, it was only logical to do the same with those who were still alive around him.
"Maybe," he said belatedly, not honestly caring that much about Ann's place in the whole thing; he had too much else on his mind.
Sin looked up finally and glanced over at Boyd curiously. "Why did you want to meet here anyway?"
Boyd looked over at Sin, studying him closely for a moment. Sin's hair was still too short for his taste; he preferred it longer so that he could tangle his fingers in the strands but his long, dark eyelashes still contrasted to the vivid green of his eyes in a way that he would never get tired of looking at. He reached out, his palm sliding against Sin's cheek to pull him closer, and leaned over to kiss him. The kiss was gentler than usual but just as thorough and Sin returned it without question.
The sun had completely disappeared behind the buildings around them, the shadows growing longer and deeper, and the clouds were spread in hues of red, pink and orange that faded between each other. Crater Lake reflected the color of the sky, making the algae blend in with the warm tones and creating what looked like a secondary sunset.
Although Boyd usually would have avoided any public display of affection, he didn't really think about that at the moment. It was growing dark and Crater Lake was in an emptier part of the city. There was no one around who was likely to notice or care about what they were doing, any more than anyone had when Lou had reached over and quickly, cautiously kissed him that first time, in this same place. He could still remember Lou's chapped lips and the sudden, confused thundering of his own heart when Lou had pulled back, changing the subject immediately and looking away, probably out of embarrassment. Now, Sin's familiar scent and taste overcame him, along with the strength that seemed ever-present in his body and personality.
Even sitting in the same place around the same time of day, kissing Sin was not like kissing Lou had been. Even with similar circumstances, the two were entirely different. Lou had been awkward gentleness and shyness hidden behind bravado; Sin was intense and thorough, reckless and addictive. His fingers curled against Sin's cheek and when he finally pulled away, he couldn't help smiling. It was a sincere expression that lightened his eyes and made him look more content and grounded than Sin had ever seen him.
One dark eyebrow rose and Sin leaned back slightly to study him. "You wanted to meet here so that you could kiss me? Not that I'm complaining."
"No," Boyd said with a light chuckle as he stood. He looked down at Sin, tilting his head thoughtfully. "It's a long story. Do you mind if I tell you over dinner? Are you hungry? I know a great place in the area that sells ice cream, if nothing else..."
"Well, you know I'm always ready for ice cream." Sin stood up and gazed at Boyd for a moment before shaking his head with a slight smile and turned. "Let's go then," he said as he started to make his way down the mound.
Boyd hesitated a moment, balanced at the top of the pile of debris as he surveyed the surrounding area once more. He'd been around there a lot with Lou, not always just to climb the mound and watch the movement and color of the war-made lake below. There were people they'd known in the area, places they'd visited. As he looked around, other memories resurfaced slowly as if layers of water were parting above them. Some were blurry from the distance of time and others were crystal clear. What they had in common was that this time thoughts of Lou didn't bring about a painful twisting of his heart or bury him in regret.
So many times in his home he'd felt like he was haunted by the ghosts of loved ones long since lost. He'd always been so wrapped up in his own mind and emotions that he hadn't thought much about what Lou must have been feeling during his last few moments alive. If Lou's ghost was chained to this world, it would only be because he would have wanted Boyd to be happy, to move on. He'd loved Lou and even now there was a sense of fondness he felt with the memories of him; it was for that reason he wanted to give the ghost of his first best friend, his first lover, the closure he deserved.
He smiled to himself, something sad yet wistful, and tilted his head down in respect. "I'm fine now, Lou." The softness of his voice was nearly carried away by the wind. "Thank you for everything you ever did for me; for always being there, for believing in me, and for loving me. I loved you, too. So, please rest in peace."
There was no answer, of course, but he liked to believe that the impression of the wind against his skin was like a quiet reflection of Lou's gentle fingers sliding across his cheek. He waited one more moment, letting the image of Crater Lake burn its way into his memory for that moment, for the memory this would become.
Then, turning, Boyd slid and jumped his way down the mound and followed Sin.
End Book One
Authors' Notes:
Wow, the end of the first book.
First of all -- We really want to thank everyone who's been with us from the beginning, and those who have joined us in the time since then. And to everyone who has told us what you think here, at the site, at the guestbook, through email, at the forum, in shoutbox, on AIM-- we seriously appreciate it. We started this story just for fun for ourselves and it grew to something far bigger, so it's fantastic to hear from readers that you enjoy it and it's especially a very pleasant surprise that this has become a story that some of you feel is one of the best you've read or has some characters you really love.
It really means a lot to us and we absolutely love to get feedback/comments and criticism, so even if you just discovered this story this week and you're reading this a year from the time this was posted, we still want to know what you think! We really love feedback; it gives us a good idea what worked, and it also is just really nice to know that all the time we spent on this was worth it to others. We don't get any money for this because we think it's important to provide the story for free to the readers but feedback does work nice as compensation ^_^
Important note -- We finally have a mailing list. You can join it by checking the main page -- it's listed at the top. It's javascript so if you have javascript blocked you'll have to allow it on the site long enough to sign up. We're still going to be working on side stories and back stories before we start book two. When we get book two started, we'll be posting that over at AFFN as well as the site. But ALL SIDE STORIES WILL ONLY BE ON THE SITE. If you don't want to check the site repeatedly to see when it's updated, don't forget the mailing list. It's a free mailing list so it's set up that we can't send out more than one email a week so you shouldn't get overrun by emails from us.
Now -- to answer questions!
Aleks -- There will be more in book two about who exactly that group was. The only thing I'm going to say is it's not Kassian; he just happened to be one of several people who were off the compound at that time. However, circumstances certainly do point toward there being a traitor...
Minako -- Crazy, huh? A year exactly :) Actually, we really wanted to post the epilogue on Monday so it would've been finished in exactly one year but there just wasn't enough time. Oh well, 3 days late. Close enough. Boyd doesn't actually know yet about what happened with Sin/Vivienne and Connors... It may be something that comes up in book two or it may be a secret kept between the two of them for awhile.
ambs -- Book two will actually focus a lot on Sin so you'll get to see a lot more about what's going on with him.
ta. -- Emilio will be one of many topics that's brought up in book two.
rio -- Your question is last only because it's the longest to answer. This is the only collaboration we've ever worked on, so, strictly speaking-- no, there aren't any other writings except the side stories and such we'll be working on for In the Company of Shadows. Sonny doesn't really have any other complete writings (i.e. they're incomplete and will never be complete so there's no point in me inflicting them on people :p -Sonny) but Ais has several fanfics in different fandoms, most of which are one shots or unfinished. If you're ever bored, the Gundam Wing fanfics can be found under fanfics / MikAAislin Nymph at http://aenai.steelsong.com/ and the beginning of a Naruto fic and some One Piece oneshots are at her ffn profile, http://www.fanfiction.net/~karaleyn. Ais had also started working on some original stuff on her own but none of it is finished or far enough to really share. Keep in mind that most of those fanfics are several years old and kind of bad...
By the way, to all of you who have left questions over time in the reviews, we appreciate it! Some of you pointed out things in the story that you'd wondered about, like little plot holes. Those are awesome because they help us in the editing process.
If we missed any questions, please let us know and we'll get back to you directly. Contact info can be found at the contact pagel. Thanks! See you all around the site or through the mailing list for further updates.
That all being said...
Bye for now and thanks for everything.
-Sonny & Ais
Update September 2008. We've started releasing the sequel, Afterimage. You can skip straight to the prologue, or you can check the Side Stories page for the stories between the books. Afterimage refers to a few of the side stories, but it's not necessary to read the stories to follow the book. It's just more fun if you do ^_~